Mothering Without Your Mom

Being a momma should come with a little book.  A book that tells you about all the ups and downs.  About the scrapes and cuts.  About school, about mood swings.  A book with bedtime tips.

Well, it doesn't.

We mommas have to give it our best shot. 

Many of us turn to our own moms.  But what do you do when your momma left you way too soon?  When she just watches and guides you from heaven?

You cry.  You scream.  You vow to be a great mom just like she was and make her proud.

You remember all the things she did with you, all the traditions, all the ways she was there for you.

I never got the chance for my mom to see me as a mother.  That's been the single hardest part of Caroline's life for me.  She never got to hold her.  Kiss her sweet face.  Help me when I panic when she's sick.

I can't tell you the times I needed her advice, and surely will as Caroline gets to the teenage years.  It's hard to raise a kid without your mom there to help guide you through it all.  Now I realize there are probably many many mommas out there in my shoes, and there are many out there that may not have a close relationship with their moms, and you know, it's ok.

I'm ok. Caroline is ok.  But it would be the most amazing thing in the world for me to have my mom here as I go through this journey.  She was simply amazing.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, miss her. 

So, on Mother's Day, I'm a little torn.  I'm so thankful that God chose me to be Caroline's momma, but so sad because I can't celebrate the day with my momma.  That we can't all be together, celebrating each other.  It's a bittersweet day.

Just remember that we should all help each other, because sometimes, we don't have our mommas to look to for advice.

Here's to all the mother's!!!

Changing

As I get older, I look around me and see how much changes around me on a daily basis.  For the most part I deal with change fairly well.  Some days I don't.  I'm realizing more and more that you really do have to take hold of your life and make changes to be happy, to get to a place you want to be.  I am happy.  And most days I'm at a place I want to be in life.  Most days.

I do, however, hate the fact that change takes time.  I'm an impulsive girl, and I like instant gratification.  Getting a business up and running is not instant, but will eventually be gratifying.  I just want it now or yesterday would be even better.  I've been giving my business time to grow, me time to learn, and we're getting there. 

I quit my full time job over a year ago.  It's been eye opening and I've learned quite a bit about me.  I don't like to go to work, at least not in the traditional sense.  And yes, I know there are plenty of people who feel this way.  But what truly makes me happy is being at home, or even having my own place of business.  I like the freedom to be where I need or want to be.  I like creating what I feel like creating, whether its doing a photo shoot and editing or painting or crafting things.

It makes me happy to be able to go to my daughters school and have lunch with her because well, the days of it being cool to have mom around are slowly creeping away.  It makes me happy to be home when the hubs gets home early and we get a little time to ourselves.  I love being able to run errands and take care of family stuff during the day so that I can actually be with my family in the evenings.

I love being part of the amazing people who are bringing back the art of handmade things.  I'm still a very very small business and I just want to live my dream.  I tried to go back to work last month.  And in doing so, I realized that I wasn't happy. 

And of course the minute I took a job, my business suddenly got very busy.  So it's back to focusing on my dreams and my family. 

Another change, another chance to see what comes my way. 

To All the Mommies

Happy Mother's Day!!!

To all the mother's out there!  The best gift God has ever given me {besides the gift of His son!} is being a mommy to my sweet, crazy, loving little girl.  I never knew what to expect, I never knew how strong the love for another person could be, I never knew I would have such joy from being a mother.  I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but nothing can prepare you for motherhood.  The ups, the downs, the joy and the pain of it.  I know how blessed we are, and I now there are so many women who want to be mommies...I do my best to never take for granted the gift I've been given.

On another note, I know there are so many of us who are missing our mother's today.  I always imagined I'd have my own grandkids when my mom was gone...nothing could have prepared me for losing her when I was just 23.  I still think of her everyday, when I cook, when I'm at the grocery store, when I take Caroline to cheer, and when I'm at Caroline's school.  It breaks my heart to know that I can't see her or hug her neck, or even have a silly argument with her.  I'll always be thankful for the 23 years I did have with her.  

Make sure today that you hug all the Mother's in your life and tell them that you love them!  And say a prayer for those who've lost their mothers and those who want so badly to be a mother!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The Great Debate: Back to School

I've been noticing a trend the last few weeks in the parenting world...Back to School.  Good or Bad?  Happy or Sad?  This has been all over.  Whether you Facebook or Blog, it's the topic of most moms these days.  

Where do you stand in The Great Debate?

Tons of moms are debating the big deal.  "So what, your kids are starting Kindergarten" or "I'm so sad, they're growing up so fast".  To be honest, I know where I stand {and I'll get around to telling you I promise!} and many other moms know where they stand too.  I guess there's not really a right or wrong in this, just opinions.  You can place this right on up there with being a working mom vs. a stay at home mom, because really, they go hand in hand.

My first thought would be that the stay at home moms would be sad.  They have gotten the privilege and joy {and huge job} to stay home and raise their little ones.  And in return, those of us who have an out of the house job are sad because we already miss a lot everyday.  But I can also see the opposite of both situations too.  SAHM's are thrilled to have a little more time on their hands and send their little ones out in the world to learn a little more and socially interact, whereas WOOHM's {work out of home mom's, and yes, I just made that up!} are thrilled to not have the additional costs of summer child care once they go to school.  

***I think whatever you choose to do is great!  I have had the privilege to do both, so I'm not knocking either one!***

What I'm beginning to see is how my first inclinations on the subject are dead wrong.  I've seen, heard and read more SAHM's saying they don't know what the big deal is about their kids starting school.  "What's all the fuss about?" or "It's not like they're going off to college, it's just {insert grade level here}".  It's the Great Debate.

My personal thought...everybody is different.  We all feel differently.  

About parenting in general and about specific topics of parenting.

And boy have I really learned that this year, and what's more, I'm learning to accept that.

When I first started hearing about moms being happy school was about to start, it made me sad.  Now before you start leaving ugly comments, hear me out!  I've had to realize that every parent is different, and that doesn't make them wrong, or my views right.  They're just different views.  I have no clue what goes on in other parents lives or what they have to deal with everyday.  If I had 5 kids, I might not be sad about one starting school, but that's not something I have experience with so I can't really have an idea of how they might feel.  It may make me sad, but that's just because I'm a big sappy momma!  On the other hand, those same momma's don't have just one child like I do, so I can't exactly expect them to understand my sadness when I send Caroline off to school each year.

I know a lot of moms who may not be full time SAHM's but were able to be home during the summer with their kids, and I know a lot of SAHM's.  It's funny to me to see how each mom varies in their views on school starting.  I do have to admit that for me, the cost of summer care ending makes me do a happy dance!

As a whole, for me, it's heartbreaking.  Of course, for those of you who know me, this won't really be surprising to you!  I'm a huge sentimental sap.  So just about every milestone in Caroline's life makes me cry.  I cried when she lost her first tooth...now, I don't cry with each one she looses, but that first one...

Each year she starts school is just another year that she has grown, learned, and become her own person.  Each year I have to realize she's not my tiny baby anymore.  And while that's sad, it's also exciting.  I love to watch her learn and grow.  Everyday I feel so blessed that I get to be her mommy.  That I was given such an unbelievable gift from God.  And while I know nothing will ever change the fact that I'm her mommy and she's my baby {no matter how old}, each year I take her that first day,  she has crossed yet another milestone.  It makes me sad.  It makes me happy.  But most of all it makes me appreciate each day and each step of her journey in life.

I'm sure when she graduates from high school I'll be a sobbing mess!  But for now, here's a look at how much she's grown!
***WARNING: Picture Overload***


1st Halloween

1st "real" food

1st Time to go see Fireworks

1st Time on a Train

1st Christmas Musical

1st Beach Trip (this is her pirate face!}

1st Soccer Game

1st Time to Ride with no Training Wheels

1st Day of Kindergarten

1st Day of 1st Grade


1st Lost Tooth

Eight Years, Love Alicia

Every November 13th I find myself at a loss.  I don't know quite what to do without you.  I'm usually a little crabby, and a lot sad.  All I really want to do is go sit with you.

I keep thinking that it really will get easier, and I guess it does on a daily basis, but come November 13th, I just want my mommy.

Caroline wants to know so much about you.  She'll ask me questions about you, and I have to try to hold it together when I answer.  But I have tons of pictures that I show her and of course lots of stories.  I want you to know her.  You would be so in love.  You'd probably want to pinch her little head off, but she's so precious you just can't.  Sometimes I know your with her.  I smell you on her cheeks.  Tab thought I was a little crazy, so I proved it to him.  He leaned down and smelled her sweet face, and then I went and got your perfume that I keep locked away only for me to remember you, and let him smell...he was stunned.

I keep a picture of you in the kitchen, because that's where I feel you most, I feel like your guiding my way as I cook dinner, or bake cupcakes for school.  Some of my fondest memories are of cooking with you and learning all those down home recipes from East Texas.  I joined the PTA and am Caroline's room mom this year, just like you always were.  You also passed down my craft craziness and I spend free moments crafting away.  I want to sit on the couch with you and watch ER.  I want to be able to go to the grocery store and call you when I can't find just what I'm looking for.

I want to go to church and see you teaching your little 5 year olds.  You loved them so much.

I want you to see Caroline.  I think that hurts the most.  I just know how much you would love her.  You would be so proud of her, she's in the Gifted & Talented program, she does 2nd grade math!  Can you believe that? How ever did that happen?  Not from me!  I buy her learning books just like you did for me, she loves them too.

Maybe this year I'll make your peppermint bark for Christmas, I just haven't been able to do it yet, maybe this will be the year.

You were so special to me...are so special to me...and you always will be.

Love, Alicia

Mommy Truths

Today is going to be a day of letting it all hang out. And I mean all of it! This is inspired by Jen and her post yesterday about keeping it real. There are times as moms that we slack in certain areas, lie to our sweet adoring children {you know you do}, and this is the time to spill it.

The fun part about this is that I really, really want to hear from you! What are your mommy truths?

Mine.....{little disclaimer here: this may get ugly. It may be way more than you ever wanted to know, and whatever you do, please don't report me!}

Some days, I just don't feel like fighting the good fight with Caroline. And I know, I'm the adult, and what I say goes...in a perfect world. So on the occasion, I let bath time slide. **GASP** Now I never let it go more than 1 missed bath, but sometimes, it would be so much easier. And there are days I let her leave the house looking like a ragamuffin child, embarrassing, but in a weak moment, true.

I have been known to lick my hand and clean her face or fix a stray hair.

Nine times out of ten I cook dinner from scratch, but when I'm just not in the mood, mmmmm yummy Chef Boy Ar Dee! But I did read somewhere that is actually not really all that bad.

There have been times I've pulled over on the side of the road because Caroline won't stop crying about having to go to the bathroom. Now this is only after I have tried to explain to her that there is no place to go, and if she can't wait to get home then she can te-te here. She always makes it home.

I come up with really creative lies about why we have the bedroom door locked...please tell me you do this too, and if so...what is your excuse? And to top that one...when asked by your innocent little angels what those noises were....would you mind telling me something to say other than mommy's back is hurting her!?!?!?

We'll just keep to this theme for a sec....ummm, ladies...what do you say when your good friend visits you each month? Caroline always wants to follow me to the bathroom, and when I won't let her she wants to know why. Of course I tried the "Mommy just needs to go alone" route, but she just doesn't by it. And then she wants to know what those things are under the sink...my response: Mommy band-aids. Which works just fine until she wants to know what the round {long skinny tube} band-aid is for. I still just blow that one off.

In a pinch, when the clothes are still in the wash and waiting to be dried, I have looked for her "cleanest" dirty clothes to stick her in, which really hasn't happened but a few times...but when we were at the beach I had to do this, so it's fresh on my mind.

So what do you have to confess to? There has to be something. Please tell me there's something!

Calling All Momma's

I need a little help from the Momma's! I have a sweet bloggy friend Tessa who writes the fabulous blogs Pardon Our Poo and Fat Chants. She cracks me up with how candid she is about raising her little boy and Fat Chants is hilarious even if your not trying to get down to that size 4 you've always dreamed of, you should really stop by.

Anywho...she is also a talented writer and business mom {ya know, business woman, but a mom..well I thought I was pretty cute with that one!} and she needs some feedback from her fellow mom entrepreneurs. She asked on her blog if she could pick our brains, and I of course said yes...who doesn't need a good brain picking every now and then right? So here is a little message I got from Tessa:


Thanks so much for allowing me to "pick your brain." :) You totally rock! Would love for you to click this link: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/?p=WEB229B38GZY6K and take a quick survey regarding marketing and mom-run businesses ... it's for a side biz a colleague and I just launched (results will help us tailor our offerings to best serve our clients).

If you know of any other mom/business owners, I would be forever grateful if you'd send this on to them, as well.

Thanks again, Mama! :)

I took the survey this morning, and its super quick! So, if you are a mom & business owner, please take a few minutes to help another mom out! And please feel free to send the link to any momma's you know that have their own businesses as well!

3rd times not Always a Charm

I right this post with great sorrow.

You know the old saying that the 3rd times a charm?

Unfortunately not this time around. Remember the post a few weeks ago asking for your prayers? Well we went for out 3rd try to get pregnant. We have anxiously been waiting till this Wednesday to take our home test. This morning we knew there was no need. I keep telling myself that it is going to be okay, that God has a plan for our family. I know deep down somewhere that's true, but right now it just doesn't feel that way. We want this so badly, and it just hurts so much.

The worst part is that we are probably coming close to the end of the line. For those of you who don't know much about the infertility process, it is very expensive. We are reaching a point where we may not be able to continue down this path. It breaks my heart. I'm not going to go on and on about this, but I just wanted to tell those of you who have been keeping up with our tries to bring more love and joy into our family. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

Love, Alicia

M-O-M-M-Y

I have a new name......M-O-M-M-Y. Yes, that's right, Caroline is so proud that she is learning to read and spell things that she has resorted to spelling mommy when she wants to talk to me.

Now its not like spelling mommy is something new for her, she's been doing it since she was 3, I think she could write mommy before she could right her own name. But for some reason, she thinks its really "cool" to spell it out when she is talking to me.

This morning, as I am getting ready, she walks into my bedroom and says, "M-O-M-M-Y, can I have cereal for breakfast?" Children can be so goofy. I just started cracking up, it was just too funny to see her standing there in her jammies with her crazy morning hair spelling mommy!

Here are a few other examples of her spell-a-thon:

*When she is talking to Tab, she'll say, "hey T-A-B"
*She calls Avery, A-V-E-R-Y girl
*She tells me that the wood-burning stove is H-O-T
*When we get close to a stop sign its, "M-O-M-M-Y you need to S-T-O-P"
*And if we are going to a store it's, "are they O-P-E-N?"


Have I ever told y'all how much I love her? More than words...

It's the WEEEEkend, I'm gonna PAAAAAArty....

With a bunch of 6 year olds! Tomorrow is Caroline's 6th Birthday Party. Her birthday is on Monday!

I am one of the weird moms who actually likes to have the parties at my house, so we are having a bounce house again this year, and just plain old fun! I love parties. Planning, making the invitations, decorating, cooking, the whole 9 yards!

Of course I will have lots of pictures to post after {if I survive!}.

Speaking of which...don't think I told everyone the story behind the party this year. Boog wanted to have a "girl" party, where they played dress-up, got their little toenails painted, and had a fashion show and if they could, spend the night. Which is fine with me, it would be like every other day in the Murry house {not the spending the night part}. But, {bless her sweet innocent heart!} she wanted all the boys to come to this too! I explained that it was really a girl thing to play dress-up, and maybe we should just have a normal boy/girl party.

Which of course she wanted both. So from 4-6 {yes, I do feed people dinner} we are having the boy/girl party, and then if any of the girls want to stay for the girl stuff and spend the night, the are more than welcome to {can we say pushover? I know, I know!}.

We'll see how it turns out! My poor hubby may run away, but he'll get over it! {Love you honey!}

Hope everyone has as much fun as we do this weekend!

I Love You Always, and Wish You were here...

Today it has been 7 long years that you have been gone. I wish I could say that I'm healed from the pain, but I'm not. There is truly not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Whether its when I'm cooking and I am looking at the cookbook you lovingly made for me, seeing your hand writing, or when I'm trying to read with Caroline in the way that you were so patient with all the children you taught. I am deeply saddened that you cannot be here to share my life with me. There are so many things I wish you were here for. Oh how you would have loved to see Caroline's 1st recital, mom she did sooo good. I wish you could have held her as a tiny baby, she was so sweet. And I'm sure you would be telling me over and over that I got it back ten fold as you saw her little personality come out!

Some days I feel like a piece of me is breaking, not having you to talk to. I know better than anyone how we fought, but I also know better than anyone the kind of love we had. You were my biggest enemy at times, and my greatest champion. I know in my heart that you are with me everyday, watching and still loving me from afar. Some days when I lean down to kiss Caroline, I can smell your perfume, which no one else I've ever known has worn. I know your kissing her sweet face too.

Words can never tell how much I long for just one more day with you. One day I'll see you again, but until then......I love you mom.

Mommy needs a Day Off!

UGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! That's how I feel right now, yep I do!

You know, I am mad at all the moms who did NOT warn me that school wouldn't really make my life easier! I thought it would!!! Really I did! I thought, great, she's in school, she will have more structure, and be tired at night! WRONG.....so wrong.

Since school started, I have been up there for so many meetings, conferences {not bad ones :)}, parent nights, and picking her up and we haven't even made it through the 1st 2 months yet!

And really, I bring it on myself...sadly I do. Why? Because that's my nature. It's true...I am a Drama Queen. I don't mean to be, I just am. I know I get part of it from my mom. My parents were both stay at home parents, and they were ALWAYS there for every function, meeting, dance class, you name it, they were there. So I tend to want to be that way too. Even though I work full-time. I have tried the stay at home thing 3 different times through Caroline's life, and I love it, but I like working too! And when I started again this time, it was for purely selfish reasons. Well, selfish for my family. Baylor has the best benefits, and Caroline {and any other children hopefully :)} will be able to have no tuition costs here. So in the long run its worth it.

But I am finding that these days, I long to be at home being a mommy. I REALLY, REALLY want to keep my business going. My creative side feels so sad right now. I love creating things, and I miss it! I only get to do things in spare time {what is that anyway} that I TRY to set aside. And I want to be a part of all the school stuff I am missing out on. I can't be the room mom because I work, I can't participate in the book fair, I can't help during the day to set up things at the school. Just ignore me...I am feeling sorry for myself. And I have no reason to.

I just want a vacation from work to be a mommy. Just a couple of days, that's all.

Mayhem in my Mind

Strange title....I know. I have about 1000 thoughts racing through there, so it made sense....to me anyway.

I need to clear my head, so I thought, "I'll just post my thoughts!". Now this can be a scary thing, but if I put these things on paper {blog...same thing :)}, then hopefully they will leave me alone!

I so LOVE this time of year {fall...ha! like TX has a real fall}, but I live for the cooler weather, the fun things to do, and of course all the different holidays. So I am quite lively as of late!

*I just got done making Caroline's Halloween costume, which, is precious! She wanted to be a witch {even though she was one last year}, so I said okay. But then she changed on me! She wants to be a pumpkin. Huh??? Not what I was expecting, but sure. So I start looking at costumes online. What a joke. Have you ever seen a really cute pumpkin costume for a 5 year old? Nope, me either. I started thinking.....HELLO ALICIA.....you are the crafty queen, just make it silly! So I did! And it is just adorable! I will post pictures of it soon. And yes, I know its tacky to boast, but I'm quite proud of the way it turned out!

*I am SOOO ready to start renovating our house! Like I said I love this time of year, but its almost a drag for me to decorate our house. My wonderful father-in-law built our house in 1983. Our house is great...nice big rooms, HUGE kitchen, great bathrooms. We have a stone house, and it is great! We have this awesome stone mantel thing with an old wood burning stove in our living room, and my bathroom has a stone wall that is where the garden tub sits with a stone ledge behind it. I love it. Really I do. But every other wall in my house is wood paneling, which if you will remember was very 80's chic. Not anymore. I feel like I live in a cave. What makes it worse is every cabinet, and floor is also some shade of brown, so everything just fades into each other. And wouldn't you know, our kitchen furniture is brown too! We have decided to remodel. Or I guess mostly just redo our walls. And knock one wall out and move the stove. I'm ready NOW...but I can't do that and try to have a baby.

*Baby. I want a baby. We have been trying, and so far no luck{obviously}. I am about 2 weeks away from my "trying" time frame. We haven't decided if we are going to try this month. We better make up our minds soon. This may sound very odd to some people. We have infertility issues. Basically, we don't get to try for a baby, the doctor does! We just show up on the magic day!

*I am making a new purse. I started it last night. I really want to be at home working on it.

*I need to cut my coupons and finish making my grocery list.

*I have got to plan Caroline's 6th birthday party, it is slowly creeping up. So much to do.

*I miss my mommy. I get a little sad this time of year too. Mom has been gone for almost 7 years now. I get very sentimental about it, and some times down right depressed.

*I need to get 2 birthday gifts for parties Caroline is invited to.

*Caroline wants me to make her a new purse too.

That's most of the things taking up the biggest amount of my brain. There are tone more floating around in there, just not quite as prominent! Like I'm wondering if my parents are having a good time...but I know they are so it is just a fleeting thought every few days!

Keep on Trucking!

I am sad to say that the IUI (intrauterine insemination) did not work this time. We were really hopeful since I actually made it the 2 weeks waiting time without "starting". But, late Saturday we knew there was no need to take the test. Please do not feel badly for us, we know the God has a plan for us, and that when He is ready we will know what that plan is!

We are not going to quit the infertility process, and plan to try again in a few months! Hopefully, we will be able to have a baby, but if not, then we are going to pursue other options.

I had a great talk with my best friend on Sunday morning, and we were just reaffirming that this was not the end, that God knows what he has in store for us! A lot of people can't believe that I'm not devastated, because so many people are when they can't conceive. I was telling Michelle that I hear so many women just heartbroken....and I just don't think they believe in Him! If they did, it seems to me that they would have faith that God does have a plan for all of us, and that He never gives us anything we can't handle!

PLEASE do not think that I am not sad, I just have my faith! And whether or not we have a baby, God gave me Caroline, and I will always feel so blessed!!!!!

Much Love~
Alicia

Mom's in Motion

Since I know most of "us" moms are always on the go, I just thought I would take a minute to tell you about 2 of my favorite "mom" things.

1. My Mom Planner

I have been using a Go Mom Inc. planner for years! This thing is awesome! It has so much to offer, schedules for your kids, carpool info, school info, activities sections, you get the idea! Below is the website.

http://www.gomominc.com/wirebound.html

I have also seen a new one that I like and need to check out more closely.

Just thought you "moms" might like this one!

Much Love~
Alicia

The woes of Motherhood

mSo I haven't posted....I have no excuse other than I have nothing to post about! My little one is gone for a week to see her dad, and her grandparents in Dallas. I am very mopey....now, I know all you moms are thinking, "time to myself!!!!!", but after the 1st couple of days, I just flat out miss her! She is my joy every morning when I wake her up, and every day when I laugh at all the funny things she has to say. And, even though I have the most wonderful husband ever, I miss my Boog. I have been so lonely the last few mornings getting ready for work. No fighting about what she wants for breakfast, or what dress she just "has" to wear that day, and it makes me sad.

She is about to start school in 2 weeks, and I feel like I'm losing precious time with her before she is "a big girl".

I'm crazy huh? I know.....I know, I should enjoy the time to get things done that I can't get done when she's following me everywhere.

And, I'm trying to be the mommy that isn't crazy. I'm trying not to call her 5 times a day to tell her I love her, and let her call me when she wants to. It paid off yesterday morning. She called me and told me that she misses me and loves me, I so wanted to get in my car and go get her!

But for now I will have to wait until Sunday when my life will seem normal again, when she complains all the way home about wanting to play with her friends, and stay up late! I don't care though, I can't wait until Sunday!

Much Love~
Alicia