Tween Girls, Mean Girls

There really should be a handbook for raising tween girls.  Like really, there should.  Since there is no such book, I'm just going to put out a few of the things I've learned.

They are hormonal. Y'all.  It's like 2 worlds colliding every 20 minutes.  Good meets Evil.  I never know which one is approaching.  We go from sweet to the world is over in .0006 seconds. 

They test boundaries. Like nobody has ever tested them before.  They push us to the brink.  Just when we think we've got it handled, yep, they push us even further.

They have no clue who they are.  This also can fall under hormonal and testing boundaries.  They think they are sweet innocent girls.  They have no clue that there heads spin when they are angry. Exorcist style.

They think their lives are over.  Again this is every 20 minutes.  Whether its over a friend, a boy, shoes, iphones...everything can cause this reaction from them.

They think they are GROWN.  Bless their little souls.  I promise mine does not know more than me, no matter how much she rolls her pretty little eyes.

These are just a few of the daily woes of a tween girl tween mom.

After a particularly trying day for my girl, I finally get to the bottom of today's meltdown.  What I realized is that its a recurring theme.  Mean girls.  All of them.  Including mine.

Y'all, they have no clue how to handle whats going on in their little tween bodies.  This manifests in all of the above symptoms.  And to top all of those gems off, they just want to fit in.  This causes our sweet, precious little babies to be mean spirited and hurtful to the friends they love so much.  And wait.  Before you start thinking, 'not my little girl', yes, even the sweetest and most tender girls go through it. 

So fellow tween moms, here's my plea to you.  Pray with me for them.  Let's teach them, walk them through this tough age.  Teach them to have grace.  Teach them about their actions and words.  Talk to them about how much they can hurt with their words.

After an hour long talk today, many confessions, many tears, I hope I helped smooth a path for my girl.  She, like many, many young girls get their feelings hurt so easily and then they react.  And lets be honest.  They can be mean.  They are mean because they have been hurt.  The hurt can be silly in our eyes, but in theirs, its everything.  And all it does is create a vicious cycle that they can't find their way out of.

I want us mommas to work together to teach them to let go of jealousies.  To let go of who has the new cool thing.  To let go of who likes what boy {this still kills me}.  These things are real. 

They use Instagram to out do each other.  To prove who their besties are each week.  To brag about what they got over the weekend or where they went.  They do these same things on the bus or in the cafeteria, talking loudly about what they have or who spent the night.  We need to teach them these things do not define them. 

We need to tell them they are each special in their own right and that its a good thing for them to be different.  They need our love and guidance. 

And we might need a lifetime supply of wine to get through it.

Check Yes or No

I've entered preteen hell. Yep the so-called tween years.  And do you know what comes with being a mom to a tween girl?  Boys.

That's right friends, I said boys.  This was totally not in my plan.  Like ever.  Of course we joke about our kids not dating till their 30.  That's just what parents do.  We tease our kids about their little kinder 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and think its cute and silly.  We say things like, 'oh little sally has a little boyfriend' and then the dads roll their eyes and the moms giggle.  The kids share some dirt at recess and all is okay.

Skip forward a few years.  Our littles are now at the end of their elementary careers and start noticing the opposite gender.  The girls giggle, the boys act all grossed out and the moms, we kind of ignore the whole thing.  Sometimes we just think about it as their little friend and when they ask if they can get a valentine candy for them we oblige.

Now the little notes start coming home, and I have some of the cutest little notes my girl has received.  Some just saying they like her, some saying she's pretty, and then there's the note with cute little boxes. Check yes or no.  Heaven.help.us.all.

When that little gem came home the last week of 4th grade I had a choice.  I could totally deflect this whole thing or I could face it head on.  I chose the latter.  Why Lord, why?

Let me explain.  Caroline has always had a little boyfriend.  They've been best friends since kinder.  The mom and I are good friends and both knew that they called each other BF/GF.  Ehhh, big deal.  Then above note comes home from another little boy, who has also been one of her best little friends since kinder.  She adores this kid because they have so much in common.  He's her buddy.  As she shows me the note, she tells me that she wants to be his GF and that she has to break up with the other little boy.  Do what?  Wait.  I surely didn't just hear this.

My little 10 year old is talking about breaking up with boys.  Excuse me while I pick my jaw up.

I thought about my own childhood for a few minutes and decided that it was time to face this stuff head on whether I was ready or not.  I had a boyfriend the summer after 4th grade and so did my friends.  Obviously it was a different time 26 years ago, so it wasn't such a shocking thing back then.  So how do I handle this now, in an age of technology where they have access to things we never knew about at that age?  How do I shield her from knowing more than she should?  Especially about the whole big world of boys and girls, puberty and the inevitable, dating?

I was honest.  I told her about what God intended, about what is and isn't age appropriate.  I talked to her about feelings, about being honest with people.  I taught her about compassion for those who like someone and it's not a mutual feeling. After all was said and done, she said she understood and that if she was being honest, she really shouldn't be someone's girlfriend if she liked someone else.  Hearing that from your 10 year old evokes 2 emotions: fear and pride.  I'm not ready for her to like boys, yet I'm proud that she understands the need for honesty, to herself and to others.

Lucky for me, I'm good friends with both of these boys mommas.  We can talk about this whole new realm together and navigate a path for these kids that's informed, safe and innocent.  We have the opportunity to teach them what this should be like at their age.   And luckily because they've raised good kids I don't have to go all crazy momma on their boys, they both have always been so sweet to my kid.  Makes a mommas heart happy.

When we live in a time where 5th graders are going to homecoming with dates and mums they've made for each other {this is Texas, mums are a way of life} we have a responsibility to our kids to teach them what's age appropriate.  Now, we didn't do the whole homecoming thing in 5th or 6th grade, but as I watched my FB news feed fill with pictures of her little friends at homecoming I realized that, as parents I really hoped we were all teaching our kids the right things about relationships.

After this week, I realized we aren't.  There are 3 types of parents in this thing.  There's the ones who don't really say a lot to their kids, there's those like me who really try to explain, and there are those who are totally against any form of "dating". As parents, its our choice to parent our littles however we chose.  This is a wonderful thing.  It's also a bit challenging.  Hopefully we can all work together so that we teach these young 'ens how to be happy, productive, compassionate adults one day.

This week my girl broke up with her little BF and was asked back out by her 1st little BF.  Did I really just say that? Yes, yes I did. And it was weird.  We had a long, long talk about the whole thing.  Every thing from why, to the correct way to do this without deeply hurting someone's feelings.  Yes, I said deeply about the love triangle of 11 year olds.  Calm down people, these kids aren't in love, but they've been friends forever and no matter the form of rejection, it hurts.  In the end, she tried her best to write a note explaining the break up.  It wasn't the most eloquent note, but she tried very hard to be sweet and she was honest. 

Of course, I've talked to all mommas of said triangle.  I adore both of these littles and couldn't be happier that I have open communication with their mommas.  Thankfully, all mommas involved are on the same page.  We all know this is something to teach them about.  We don't let them blindly think they have real BF/GF's.  One day, many, many years from now maybe Caroline will date one of these little men.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try and teach Caroline how to be a little lady, how to treat people with respect, and pray that it works.