It's Been Awhile...

It's been a few days, errr, months since I last posted.  It's been busy 'round here.  I had forgotten how time consuming it is to work full time, raise a kid, be a wife, and run a household.  Not to mention running a business too.

ex.haus.ting.

So, here I am trying to catch my breath, post a few memories and talk about things that I believe in.  We'll see how long my attention span is.

Apparently not very long.  Ive already taken a break to watch a few minutes of RHOA.  I'm a trash TV addict.

So here are the highlights of the last few months:

- Caroline is officially a teenager.  Yep, the big 1-3.  Pray for me, please.  We had cake in the back of the car, because we're cool like that.

- Caroline was selected to participate in Duke University's Talent Search and take the SAT/ACT in the 7th grade.

- We finally went to the Silos.  Yes, that would be the Magnolia Silos.  We happen to live down the road from Chip & Joanna {from Fixer Upper}, like literally, less than a mile away.  So we waited quite a while to go visit the new shop, let some of the crazy die down.

- We had a great Christmas and Christmas Break.

- I've worked a million hours.  No, I haven't, but Tab has averaged about 70 hours a week since June, but that should count for me too.  Really, it should.  I have to  pick up all the slack and basically be a single parent.

- We didn't win the Poweball.  Who am I kidding, you have to actually buy tickets to win that stuff, or to think you actually have a shot at winning that stuff.

- I hurt my upper back. Yay me.

- Texas finally got below 80 degrees.

- I still have my Christmas Decor up.  Don't judge. 

Basically, life is par for the course around here.  We just keep on going, day by day, moment by moment.  I still don't answer the phone, or call anyone.  I can't help it.  Just accept it and move on.  Caroline on the other hand can talk on the phone for hours.  Go figure.  Shiner is still the cutest dog on the planet, and we have a new fur baby, Red.  Yep, I just can't help myself.  But, Red was Tab approved!  He's a Red Heeler and so so sweet, but still young and slightly destructive.  We're working on it.

Check back soon, if you're bored.  I may post again soon.

Hello...are you there?

Part of my goals for 2014 include personal growth.  This blog is part of that.  Not only is it for me to record my life, but for me to connect with others.  I'd really love to hear what you'd like to see from this ole blog in 2014.  I enjoy the feel of community I get from blogging and social media in general.  I love the daily feed of my Instagram.  So many genuine, inspiring people.  I want that for this little blog.

I didn't realize how long I've actually been blogging until the other day, then I realized....it's been 5 years!  I've met wonderful people.  People that I now have met {in real life}, that I exchange Christmas cards with {except, I lost track of time and didn't send any this year...oops!}, people that I'm now invested in.

I've really enjoyed my time in blogland and want it to continue.  I'd love to have another blog get together.  I'd love to collaborate with other bloggers.  I'd love to know what people want to read about, whether its DYI'ing, photography, parenting, family, Jesus, divorce...just to name a few.  I want to be a light for someone.  Please let me know if you have something on your heart that you want to hear about.  If I can, I want to help.

My goal is to be real.  To share my heart, share life experiences, share my little world.

I wish everyone a blessed and happy 2014!

Here's what we've been up to so far...

 Caroline is joining 4H and she got a show bunny for Christmas from her grandparents.

Her name is Clover.

 Isn't she so cute?

 A New Year's tradition.  My mom always got a bottle of this and we got a sip at midnight.  I can't have New Year's without it.

 Dave's Burger Barn.  This is the Zipper Ripper.  You have 12 minutes to eat this. Burger with 5 patties, 5 pieces f bacon, 5 slices of cheese and 1lb. of fries...

poor hubby, he never had a chance, haha!

 Finally chalk painted Caroline's bed...after a year...

 I have a slight addiction to pistachio's.

 My latest hair addiction id the sock bun.  Soooo easy, cute and a quick fix on a bad hair day.  A tutorial is in the works as requested.

Please, let me know if there is anything you'd like to see or hear about, I'd love to know what my readers {if any} are interested in.

Finding Your Place

I think as bloggers we try to find a voice for ourselves.  Sometimes that's not an easy thing.

I think we want unity.  To find a place where we can relate.

Somewhere we can talk and meet like minded people.  Bounce thoughts off of others.

Share ideas. Share victories. Share struggles.



A place that's real.  A place where we can own our faults.

Like laundry that's overflowing.  Crumbs on the floor.

An unmade bed.

A peek into someone's life, where we can relate.


I know I started this blog to remember.  To record tiny moments, a glimpse into our lives.

What I didn't expect to find was exactly what I found.


Community.  Friendship. 

Places where I felt a sense of belonging.  Where I could be confident in who I am.

As a mother.  As a wife.  As a friend.

And know that I'm not alone in this journey God has given me.

I hope that I can give that back.  I hope what I share touches someone.  And that they know they're welcome here anytime.

I hope that I can find the words to explain our days.  To explain what I'm thinking in a thoughtful way. 

To share ideas.

To share my faults.

To share my heart.

Unfiltered

I have come to realize that my blog has been more of a venting place for me as of late, and tonight your getting me unfiltered.

I try to always keep my composure in any given situation.  I think we all do, or at least I hope we do. I constantly struggle with being the "bigger" person.  After all, that's the way my momma raised me.  But my daddy taught me to stand up for myself and what I believe in.  So some days I'm completely composed and other days it's no holds barred. 

Today is the latter.

I've lost my composure for the night.

I'm tired of dealing with mean mommies.  I'm tired of constantly being the topic of their conversation.  Of course, they say I'm the last thing on their minds, but people talk and they should watch who they talk to, because eventually it all gets back around.  And when your name is mentioned over and over, then yes, that makes me the topic of your conversation.  I'd like to say it doesn't bother me, but hello, I'm human.  It hurts.  Which is what they intend anyway when they say hateful things.

But more than the mean mommies, it hurts more to deal with an ex-spouse who's hateful.  Because that, my friends doesn't hurt just me, it hurts my kid.  Now I'm not gonna sit up on my high horse and act like I haven't said things in front of my daughter, which is wrong, but my actions speak far louder than my words ever do.

Facebook is a wonderful thing at times, and then others use it as their podium to bash and trash people.  Good grief, pick up the phone and bash me but don't be the jerk and put it on FB.  How little of you.  If you know me on FB, then you know I will not bash people on there. I occasionally get a little huffy, but not in hurtful or lying ways.  I'm more of a in your face type of girl if something really bothers me.

It's a tough road dealing with divorce and new spouses, new step-parents, new lives.  But those of us who attempt to treat things with care reap far greater benefits for our kids.  We've been down a long road.  And for the most part, things are decent.  But then there are the days that I want to slap people.  Is is too much to ask that my daughter gets to school on time?  That she makes it to her soccer games with time to warm up, not 10 minutes before kick-off?  Is it too much to ask that she goes to a birthday party she was invited to?  Or that something is bought solely for her at the school carnival and not for yourself? Or that she's allowed to go to the church she chose to join?

I really thought things would be different.  And let me be honest, I've had my hateful moments.  But I've never not put her first.  I've never kept her from her dad, heck I even give him 1 night every week I don't have to and on his weekend he gets another night I don't have to allow.  But I do it for Caroline.  Because even though I'd love to keep her all to myself, she needs time with him too.

I'm bitter.  I'm bitter because I know how much her dad loves her, but he doesn't put her first.

I'm the mom that truly lives for my child.  Mine and the hubby's life revolve around her and her schedule.  She always comes first.  I wouldn't have married him if he expected it to be any different.  I know not every parent feels the same way we do, and that's okay.  But it makes it hard for me to watch her other set of parents choose differently.  We choose not to make plans to go out without her, we make plans on the weekends we don't have her.  I guess what bothers me the most about the weekends is that she only gets to be with her friends on my weekends.  It's not okay for him to give up his time for her to go to a birthday party, spend the night with a friend, go to church with us...but I have to, but that's okay because I have her all week?  Right.  Because after homework, soccer practice, I get a whole hour with her before bath time and an 8:30 bedtime.

We're parents.  We do for our kids.  We take them places and let them make friends despite our time with them.  That's what we do.  We put their needs first.  Period.  At least that's the way it works for me.

I'm just tired of the constant competition, who has what, who's trying to be like someone else.  Well, I can tell you, you can try, but you'll never be me.  I'm one of a kind.  Find your own way in this life.  I have.  And that is directed at many people.

I'm an over the top mom because I have one kid and I can be.  I'm over the top because my kid loves it, she is so proud of the things I can make and the things I do for her.  It's not a competition between other moms.  It's something that makes my little girl giggle and dance.  I do it for her and her only.  I do it to see the way she lights up when I pull off the impossible poodle skirt that has to be made in less than 10 hours (with time to sleep) and ready for school the next morning.  I do it because I may not have her on a certain holiday and I wanted her desk at school to be decorated just for her, so that she knows I didn't miss a single one of her favorite things.

I do it because she is my whole world.  I parent her the way I do because she is my everything.  I volunteer on the PTA so that I can give her the best years of elementary school possible.  I do it because I want her to have everything her heart desires, within reason of course.  I do it because I want her to make friends.  I do it because I want her to have every opportunity possible.  I do it from my heart and I do it with pure love.

So if you choose to bash me, talk about me, copy me, then I'll choose to take it as a compliment.  Because at the end of the day, I know its just other people's insecurities that cause them to act the way they do.  I don't need to be like anyone else, because my daughter, my husband, they love me for who I already am.




*****Bring on the backlash, I know it's coming*****

Changing

As I get older, I look around me and see how much changes around me on a daily basis.  For the most part I deal with change fairly well.  Some days I don't.  I'm realizing more and more that you really do have to take hold of your life and make changes to be happy, to get to a place you want to be.  I am happy.  And most days I'm at a place I want to be in life.  Most days.

I do, however, hate the fact that change takes time.  I'm an impulsive girl, and I like instant gratification.  Getting a business up and running is not instant, but will eventually be gratifying.  I just want it now or yesterday would be even better.  I've been giving my business time to grow, me time to learn, and we're getting there. 

I quit my full time job over a year ago.  It's been eye opening and I've learned quite a bit about me.  I don't like to go to work, at least not in the traditional sense.  And yes, I know there are plenty of people who feel this way.  But what truly makes me happy is being at home, or even having my own place of business.  I like the freedom to be where I need or want to be.  I like creating what I feel like creating, whether its doing a photo shoot and editing or painting or crafting things.

It makes me happy to be able to go to my daughters school and have lunch with her because well, the days of it being cool to have mom around are slowly creeping away.  It makes me happy to be home when the hubs gets home early and we get a little time to ourselves.  I love being able to run errands and take care of family stuff during the day so that I can actually be with my family in the evenings.

I love being part of the amazing people who are bringing back the art of handmade things.  I'm still a very very small business and I just want to live my dream.  I tried to go back to work last month.  And in doing so, I realized that I wasn't happy. 

And of course the minute I took a job, my business suddenly got very busy.  So it's back to focusing on my dreams and my family. 

Another change, another chance to see what comes my way. 

Counting Down

I'm sure there are many of you out there who have to share your kids, whether it be from divorce or having a baby daddy you don't live with.  It happens.  It's sad, but the truth.  I'm the 1st...divorced {but over the moon happily remarried}.  During the year having to share my time with my girl is hard, it makes me sad.  But, I never wanted to be "that ex" that made things difficult when it came to our daughter.  I've done my best, allowed tons of "extra" time for her and her dad.  But, then comes summer.

Summer is a whole 'nother ballgame!  She has to spend 30 days with her dad, all in a row.  I get 1 weekend...out of 30 days.  Can you hear my heart break? And yes, I do realize it could be worse, in fact it was.  If her dad lived over 100 miles from me then she would go for 42 days.  Which used to be the case until he moved closer.

She's been at her dad's since June 1st and I'm counting down the days till she comes home.  I mean literally, counting them down.  In fact, I'm having a celebration with my girls the night before.  I can.not wait till July 1.  Then she's all mine {and hubs} and we're whisking her off to the beach for our annual 4th of July beach week!!!  If only I can make it through the next 10 days {and yes, that's counting today}.

So, I'm wallowing a little today...because I miss my girl.

Every.Single.Day

Business as Usual

I'm up to my eyeballs {still} getting ready for our school carnival.  So many little details to see to, and nowhere near enough time.  Wow...I always knew working from home or being a stay at home mom was not an easy task, but I didn't realize I'd be just as busy as I was when I worked outside of the home!  It's just a different kind of busy.  Today my munchkin is home sick.  Man, I love just being able to pick her up and not answer to anyone why I'm leaving work or won't be in the next day because she's sick.  It caused me so much stress!

Today we're just taking it easy.  I'm painting canvases and spending time with my girl.  I've also been editing pics, and re-editing some I had new ideas for.  I did some Valentines sessions which turned out super cute!  I thought I'd post just a few!

 Have a great weekend friends!

Brain Dump

Too.much.going.on.in.here!  I have ADD.  Usually it's fine, but right now I have about a million things running around in the ole' noggin.  Things I want to get done. Projects I have to finish for clients. Projects I want to do around the house.  Work.  Caroline.  Hubby.  Family.  Must slow down.

Things are great, for the most part.  Boog's been spending time with her dad, which makes me long for her to be home, but things are overall great.  I just can't get my mind to slow down.

Y'all, I need some Calgon.  ASAP. {I wasn't even sure they still made it...they do!}

But a glass of wine and a hot bath without the Calgon would work nicely too! I was hoping that writing up a post would help me focus some of my thoughts, ya....didn't work so much.  Oh well, I gave it a try!

I have several pieces of furniture I'm really itching to start re-doing.  I have to go pick some of it up from my daddy-o's house first though...yet another thing to do.  There really isn't any point to this post today...sorry folks.  Hopefully I can get some of this brain junk cleared out and I'll have a more coherent post for you.
  But if you want a coherent post, scroll down to see how we spent our 4th of July!  Happy Day friends!

{Ummmm, yea.  This pic has no relevance, it just makes me smile!}

Stream of Consciousness

I need to finish the laundry...ughhhh, I hate the laundry.  And I need to clean the kitchen, wash the wine glasses.  Not in the mood to cook tonight, I wonder where we should go for dinner?  I really want to get working on pictures that need to be edited, and work on painting...and I have a gift I want to make. Wonder how late I'll stay up tonight,2,3,4...?  I must find the time to get the back office organized, it looks like Caroline blew through there....and let's not even think about her room.  HORRIBLE.  I wanna get everything out of her room so I can start the redo on it, which means I'll need more paint, a new fan, and to decide what I want to do with her floors...concrete for sure, pretty sure I'll paint them.  I see lots of bags for Goodwill in our future.  She never plays with anything in her room. Except for her dolls.  I'm giving it all away! hehehe, although she'll be glad to donate it.  She makes me so proud. I wanna go see Water for Elephants this weekend, the book was soooo good.  Then start on my stack of books to read, man I've been slacking.  So much to do and never enough time.  I need to start working on PTA stuff for the summer and fall.  We're getting 40 new families we need to make feel welcome.  And plans for the summer...ughhhh.  I just want 3 months off from work to try and get things done at home.  Almost time to start the weekend, which is great, but it also means I have to wait 3 more days till my dentist opens on Tuesday.  Until then I look like a circus freak with missing teeth.  Doesn't my dentist know how much I smile, I can't walk around until Tuesday with one of my front teeth missing!!!!!  Stupid teeth...I should've just had'em all pulled 3 years ago instead of root canals & crowns on my 6 front teeth.  Now I'm in pain, look stupid and have to suffer through this for days!!!  This stinks.  Which also means there will be no Mother's Day pics with Boog, because I'm darn sure not smiling for the camera right now.  And I sure wish I could just shut my mind down right now, it's just going, going, going...it's like it never stops.  I just need to not think for a few minutes.

What a Week

Last week was craaaazy around my house!  Caroline was sick 2 days, so I had to stay home with her, and of course my back was hurting {what's new right?}.  She recovered fairly quickly but has had migraines over the weekend  :(

I didn't get much accomplished while we were at home, but I did work from home one day!  Mostly I just loved on my sweet girl, made her soup, gave her medicine, and cuddled on the couch with her.  Mom's TLC always helps!

I finished a book, The Finishing Touches, by Hester Browne.  It was a fun book and I related a lot to the main theme of it, being adopted.  It explored the feelings a person has, and finally the way she moved on with her life.  It was a quick read and a nice escape.  Not sure what I'll pull of my book pile next!

I also had some issues to work out with a friend.  We had a disagreement and needed to work through it, but we got it all settled.  It's nice to be able to work through a problem.  We were both looking at things from 2 different directions, and listened to other people's advice.  Sometimes that's not the best thing to do.  I think we both learned a few things last week!

I'm really realizing how much Caroline is growing up...time is going by way too fast.  She doesn't need my help taking baths, or brushing her teeth.  She can blow dry her own hair and brush it, she's starting to learn how to make food for herself.  She thinks she needs deodorant!  She sounds like an adult, her conversations rival some 40 year olds that I know!  She just amazes me, but I'm sad at the same time.  There's not much "little" girl left it seems.  I'm going to hold onto to it as long as possible though!

I'm working on some projects too, but I think I may post them to Carolina Sunshine Designs, but I may post a sneak peek here!  And I'll be hosting a giveaway later this week, so be sure to stop back by for some great goodies!

And just because I feel like posting a picture {or 3}, here you go!

Cheer Competition

 Pajama Day at school

All tuckered out...sitting up!

Daydreaming

Today has been a day of purging....the house that is!  I have gone through closets and drawers, and I'm done.  Well, at least for today!  I'm considering having a blog sale...but I'm not sure it would benefit me since I have only a few readers.  I cleaned out all of Caroline's clothes/shoes, and have several bags for Goodwill, but also so much stuff that's still in great condition.  I may just take it to a local resale shop instead.

After a good long hard days work, I have been daydreaming a little.  Oh...the things I'd like to run out and buy! But, I can't do that, I have to be good!  But a girl can still dream right?

Of course my go to items are always bags and shoes!  I just can't help it!  I love them!

*all of the above are from Anthropologie

Now I have plenty of other things I'd like to get, who doesn't?  I had a friend once tell me that when she was upset or stressed, she would window shop till she forgot what her troubles were.  The funniest thing about it was that she actually loaded up on all the stuff she wanted and would then leave the "buggy" in the middle of the store and leave!  I know how that sounds, but in total disclosure, I have done this too.  I know how mean it sounds to just leave all that stuff for someone else to clean up, but I have to admit, it sure made me forget what was on my mind in the 1st place!

Not that I'm advising that anyone run out and do this, but, it did make me forget my troubles.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend, I know I have!  We had no plans!  I got to work on the sign I'm painting with my brother, and I got to go to the grocery store without Caroline!  Of course that sounds silly, but all you mommies know what a pleasure it is to not have to take the kiddos to the store with you!  Hope y'all have a great week!

Perception

I had a conversation with someone yesterday that left me totally emptied, drained.  After we left the restaurant, I just really didn't understand the point of the whole thing.  I completely understood the why to it, thought it was a little odd, but I respected it.

Have you ever felt that way?  That you were just talking to the air around you?

I know a lot about myself.  I know my good points, my strengths...but I also know my weaknesses, my flaws.  Maybe that gives me better footing, maybe not.  And after far too many years of making mistakes, I've learned a lot about myself.  Why I do things, how people perceive me, my knee jerk reactions to things...but what's more is that I've learned to embrace that and then change it.  It makes you stronger to realize these things about yourself.  I don't like seeing the ugly truth about me, but you can't grow as a person until you do.  Or at least that's what I think.

And apparently, being honest is not what some people want.  The truth can be a nasty little thing, or it could be one of the best things you ever hear.  Trust me, I know...from experience.

I hurt one of the most important people in my life several years ago and it was out spite, simply because I just didn't have the guts to be honest about how felt.  I can't change that relationship.  I lost a great friendship over my own ego.  Why my ego?  Because I knew if I was honest about how I felt, then in return she would tell me how she felt, and I wouldn't like it.  So instead I said nasty, hurtful things that I knew would make me feel better, and I was a coward to top it all off, I didn't even say them to her.  Lesson learned.  But this event isn't the reason for my post.  

back to the point...

The conversation started out with some stuff that's not for me to tell {good stuff for her, not so sure about my family}, but then led to a statement I really liked:  "I want to start this with a clean slate".  Given the situation, I really was glad to hear that!  But then I got lost, very lost.

It went on, and I realized there was much confusion on both our parts.  I never really considered us friends, when she did.  I couldn't really recall any "good" times, she couldn't recall any "bad".  And that's where she lost me.  If there weren't "bad times" why would you ask someone for a clean slate?  Maybe it's the blonde in me, but I don't get it?

I went on to explain where I was coming from, and a lot of it has to do with perception.  I perceived her in a totally different way than she perceived herself.  So that's where our disconnect was coming from.  I tried to tell her that maybe it was all in my perception and I just read her wrong.  I also tried to tell her that I really understood that since I'm almost always told the same things about myself.  

None of my words mattered though.

I don't quite know what to do about the situation.  I don't dislike her, but I don't really know that I like her either.  We don't know each other.  In a four year period we might have spent a total of 50 hours in the same room together.  Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things.  I know she's a good person, she loves her family, she loves her friends, I just don't know her.  I just felt like I was giving her what she wanted...a clean slate.  But once we started talking I'm not sure she was ready for the conversation.  I can be pretty blunt and while I was doing my best to "clear the air between us" I kept that in the front of my mind.  I didn't want to come across harsh.  I didn't want to come across like a bitch {I know, I know...I said a bad word}.  I chose my words very methodically, so nothing could be read into them, yet it was.  I usually walk away from a conversation like this knowing that I said a million wrong things, or that I was really tacky.  But I felt like I was nakedly honest and sincere.

I get the impression she thinks the first is true.

I think what worries me most is that I do know how I react to things, and I know that I feel like I've tried, so my next move is typically to blow it off and leave the ball in her court.  And then once she goes to pick the ball up, I'll throw it in her face.  Yes, I know that sounds completely horrible, but that's the point.  I know how things makes me feel and how I react to them.  I know that going into most situations.  I'm not sure she knew what she really wanted out of the conversation she asked for.  I think she thought I created animosity between us for no good reason, or out of jealousy.  I don't think she was prepared to hear how I really felt.  Which was basically that she created animosity between us out of jealousy.  I told her that I thought lines had been crossed by her, and truth be told, she had nothing bad to say about me at all.  But was that because she really felt that way, or because she didn't want to be the bad guy?  Now in all honesty, she has every right to tell me the bad things, I wouldn't blame her, I haven't been that nice since we met.  I just don't think she wants to accept that I wasn't nice because I was reacting to the way she came across all these years.

Now I'm not posting any of this to say I was right and she was wrong, I'm mostly just working this out in my head, and to get some thoughts on how I could have handled this differently.  I'm told the possibility is there for her to be a big part of our lives and I want to like and respect her, I really do.  I'm just not sure where to go from here. 

Cup Full of Pity Anyone?

***Updated***

Well, the doctor thinks I have Mono!  Great!  We won't know for sure for about a week because they can't test until I've had symptoms for at least a week.  But if I feel better in a few days, then we'll know its NOT Mono.  I sure am praying that it isn't!

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Original Post:

Yep, that's right...I'm having myself a grand ole pity party in the wee morning hours.  Why you ask?  It's simple.  I don't feel good.  I was sick earlier this week and then by Friday felt pretty good, so I went to work, only to feel icky again by friday night.  First it was the tummy, and by Saturday morning I had a full fledged sore throat...great, just what I wanted.  I was hoping that I would wake up today {Sunday morning} and feel fine, but to no avail, a whole lot worse.  My throat hurts, my glands, heck...my whole neck hurts!  And non of my OTC {over the counter} stuff seems to help.  I don't want to be sick.  I don't want to miss work.  I hate being home all day.  And most of all I don't want boog to get this yucky stuff!

So since I couldn't sleep, I decided to come get on the computer.  I have several posts that I just haven't gotten around to and I figured I'd just do an all-in-one of the past few weeks.  Oh, and have a pity party.

Caroline started gymnastics awhile back, and bless her sweet little heart, she gives it her all!

Her GT{gifted & talented} class had a Mad Scientist night where they dressed up like Einstein and did all sorts of crazy experiments!  She had so much fun, can you tell?

She was a Geisha Girl for halloween, and her wig didn't last 5 minutes before she had it all out of whack!

We did a hayride, since you know we live way out in the country, because the kids can't exactly walk from house to house!  She got so cold that she got down on the floor of the trailer and just her head was peeking through everyone's knees!  Her face in this one just cracks me up!

A few Sundays ago, as I was cutting coupons from the paper, she decided she wanted to read the paper.  Of course, she found the funnies and immediately recognized Charlie Brown!

Okay, so those made me feel better.  But, I'm still miserable.  I'm just praying that I will wake up in the morning and feel mcuh better.  I really hate being sick, and I'm a horrible patient.  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed for feeling better super fast!

Shoes!

Trina...this is for you girl!

Yesterday Trina and I both posted about shoes {well I more just mentioned my shoes!}, and told her how funny that was. She made a little video about her favorite shoes, and after we got to talking, I told her I would do one of all my shoes...if you've never been to Trina's blog, Fabulously Frugalicious, go NOW {after you finish up here of course!}, she is a doll, and is a lot of fun!

Now, this is a warning: please excuse my accent, and my appearance! I was not about to get all gussied up to make this after a long day of work lol, and I hate to be in front of the camera talking, so I tend to make some funny faces...quite embarrassing! Don't laugh too hard!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I know, I know...it seems so awful to have so many shoes, and your right! But just to redeem myself a little tiny bit, I do donate all of our clothes and shoes to charities when I clean out everything. I look for great bargains, and I like all shoes, not just expensive ones!

Trying Times

There is no need to go on and on about the troubles in the world today. But what I think about are the personal battles we all face. My heart has been hurting for so many families lately. And then, when I stop to think about my own battles, I feel a little ashamed. Ashamed that I would be worried about something, when there are so many others who have children fighting for their lives.

But then...when I'm praying, I tell God that, I too need his loving arms. I have trying times too. Me and my family have battles too.

I have been sick over everything that has happened with Tab being in the hospital, and mostly sick over Caroline and her diagnosis of ITP - Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Perpura, which is listed as a rare blood disease.

I have been praying day and night for families that I only know of through other people or blogs {which is just as good as really knowing them}, and I pour my heart out to Him gladly on their behalf. I wouldn't change any of it. I just feel for these people, whatever their prayer requests are, I feel for them.

I don't know exactly why I am feeling so mushy today, but I am. I feel like I am in the midst of trying times. I feel like He is testing me. I feel like I'm sinking. The only thing that keeps my head above the water is that I know He has a plan for me and my family. Sometimes, I do want to just yell, "God, would you hurry up!" I feel like I'm just waiting and waiting for the plan to be revealed, which I am waiting for it, I just seem to be impatient these days!

One thing I have briefly touched on in a few posts is our trying to have a baby. This is one of the things I feel like I am struggling with right now. I've said, and still believe, that whatever God's plan is for another child, I'll be okay. I so badly want another child. And I have touched on the fact the we have to do infertility treatments, so its a struggle from the start.

Some days, I just feel hopeless. Infertility treatments are just so costly, and I feel as though we have reached the end of our rope. I refuse to put us in a less favorable position so that we can try to have a baby. And what stinks is that we are not opposed to other options, like adoption...remember I'm adopted. But have you checked the cost of that lately? Who would have thought you would have to pay in upwards of 20k to give a child a loving home? Sure, let me just pull out my handy dandy savings account and make that withdrawl right quick.

I also have some anger. Anger that it can't just be simpler.

I was jokingly talking to my parents and sister yesterday at lunch, and said that I am thinking about just putting a flyer out on the campus for some donors. I said, I could give them a hundred bucks for a cup, and that would still be cheaper! I really wouldn't do this, husband would kill me! But, how sad is it that I pay more for the donor's goods {ahem} than I do to have the procedure done?

Sorry that I'm all over the place with this post.

Sometimes I think we just get overwhelmed in life, and I know when I get that way, I jump from one topic to the next, usually without taking a breath :)

Let me end with this one little tidbit. Please don't think that I don't have a calmness about His plans for us, because I do. Even if it's not His will for us to have a baby, I am okay with that. Why, how? Because He has already blessed me. We have Caroline. I can live out the rest of my time here knowing she was my gift from God.

Being a Girl

Sometimes it just sucks. Really, it does. And you know I'm right!
Seriously, being almost 31 and having stinking Acne. What?!?
Some days it's just not fair.

I'm a Very Sad Mama

I know I should enjoy the time I have to myself....I really should, but I just can't. Over these last few years, friends have tried to encourage me to enjoy my kid-free time. Some days I can, but most of the time...I'm pathetic.

Let me put it to you this way. I am the type of parent that hates getting a babysitter, unless its for a special occasion, or another equally good reason. I know I may be starting a fire here, but for me, I didn't want to have kids just to have someone else watch them. I already have less time with her from having to work, and now because she has started school. So for me, I hate to have a babysitter, and therefore we usually won't go places where Caroline is less than welcome. Now that doesn't happen often, basically just on special occasions, which are rare enough anyway.

I'm sure if I stayed at home full-time, I may want more time without her glued to me. But, I'm not, so I like having her around...most of the time!

Unfortunately, her father and I divorced 3 years ago. Of course this is a whole other issue, but I tell you this because it explains my kid-free time. Her dad lives north of where we live, because that's where we both are from. I moved south because my family moved south. I will not say any bad things about the situation, other than he doesn't get to see her as often as he should. Part by choice, and part because of work. He doesn't want to take her away from things she has going on down here, so some of his weekends are lost. But don't think that I just leave it at that, I offer him anytime he wants to spend with her. For the most part, it works well. 90% of the time, we make plans with our friends to do grown-up things while she is with her dad, so thus I have even more strong feelings about having a babysitter. I have one on certain weekends.

After a huge miscommunication, he decided that he wanted her for the week of Spring Break. Which is great! She gets to spend much needed time with her dad. But he stinks at making plans, and lets me know Friday night at 8pm that he wants to get her. And he's not sure when he can come get her. But the best part is that he only has off 3 days of this week, so he was going to bring her back on Thursday. Again, fine, but I refuse to pay 88 bucks for 2 days of daycare. Not going to happen. So after me calling my best friend, Michelle, who still lives there, she will be staying the whole week and getting to spend some time with Michelle and her kiddos.

And now that I have totally gone off subject, I will finally get back to my point. I miss Boog.

I know, I know. I work all day anyway. But there won't be any picking her up in the afternoons, bathtime, hair brushing, or kisses. No kitchen helper. I'll admit, it will be nice to not hear her begging for me to do every little thing for her for a few days, but I'll be sad just the same. I won't have my nightly prayer over her, sweet morning smiles, and her infectious giggle to keep me company.




I am pathetic. Really I am. I can live with the weekend thing, it's the week thing I hate. And in the summer, it's 42 days because we live more than 100 miles apart...but he's moved closer, and he's under that 100 miles, so...it will only be 30 this summer! WooHoo! Can you tell I plan ahead?

What a Whirlwind

In the last week I truly thought I would be driving from hospital to hospital seeing the 2 people I love the most. I never got time to "lose it", "break down" or really deal with how I was feeling. Oh sure, I cried when they admitted hubby to the hospital, and I cried when I got the call from her pedi that her counts were really low, and I cried later on the night we saw the hematologist and she told me her count was a 2.

I'm good in a crisis. Very levelheaded, competent, and I deal really well with them. Now had Caroline been puking...she would have been on her own. I don't do puke. Ever. But when there is blood, bone, or other yucky things, I'm your girl. But it seems I just never get to deal with how I'm feeling. I do eventually, just not when said crisis happens. I can't be the one to break down in front of Caroline. I can't let her know I'm scared, because then, the person she looks to the most would scare the fire out of her.

On night 2 of hubby's hospital stay {the same day Caroline's count was a 2} I asked the nurse if she had any Xanax. Yes, I really asked. I was joking, but if she had appeared moments later with meds in hand, I would have gladly accepted them. At that point, I had only had 8 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. I was exhuasted...physically, mentally, and emotionally exhuasted. I finally let go a little then, I cried when I called my best friend Michelle, and told her that if it was anything worse then ITP I needed her. I wouldn't be able to do it without her.

Friday night when we finally got hubby home, I felt slightly better. I had begun my extreme cleaning of all things belonging to husband {lots of bleach}, and to get mine, his and Caroline's things ready for her hospital stay in a few days time. Finally, Sunday evening, I have gotten everything cleaned, packed, tended to, and ready to go for our week in another hospital. That night as hubby and I lay in bed {well, I was sitting, I just couldn't lay down yet}, I finally let myself cry and cry.

For a few moments, I felt so inadequate as a wife and mother. But mostly as a mother. Something I'm not sure if I've ever shared before is that I'm adopted. And beyond being adopted, I have never had the desire to know about my birth parents, their medical histories, their stories period. I have been blessed. Blessed with the best parents a kid could ask for, health, and an easy pregnancy. I never felt the need to get any info, and even I did want it, I couldn't get it. My adoption was not a typical adoption...even for the late 70's. Completely closed adoption. Just the lawyers. With strict boundaries such as my birth parents medical history. Heck, my birth father never even knew about me.

back to my point...

I sat there that night and cried because I had no clue as to what could be in Caroline's future. The doctors had asked me so many medical history questions, and as her dad and I sat there, I couldn't answer a single one.

"Is there any history of blood disease or Luekemia?"
"I'm adopted, I don't know."

I felt like I had somehow failed my beautiful little girl. Now, I'm not having a pity party, but at that moment, even though there was nothing I could have done or known, I felt like I failed her. I cried for her that night, and went to sleep praying over her sweet soul, that He would heal her.

The next morning of course, we are loading the car, getting last minute details sorted, and hitting the road. I have a peace about the whole thing by this point. We have chosen the best treatment option for her, and feel a peace about what we are about to endure.

When we get there, we are all a little sad, and Caroline makes me hold her the whole time {happy to oblige!}, and we wait. They put the IV in, pull out two vials of blood, and tell us they will be back soon to put us in our room. Next thing we know, we are out the door, skipping to the car, and talking about all the playing she gets to do when she gets home. She is healed.

******************************************************************************************
Most of the rest of Monday was fun for us, watching her expend all that pent up 6 yr. old energy! But then I kept thinking, I still have so much to do. Unpack, make more follow-up appointments, go to the grocery store, talk to her school, set-up a place for her to go for spring break. Blah Blah Blah. I'll take the Blahs, what a whirlwind!


Here are some pictures of Caroline playing Wii bowling once we got home, she was so happy!







And this is what was sitting in our living room when we got home. My parents dropped it off for her. She loves this stinking bear. It has become her bed!

My Blankie

I am about to make a complete idiot out of myself to the blogging world, but I can live with that! Many of my real life friends already know I am a little crazy, and some of you bloggers may have figured that out.

As a wee child, I sucked my thumb. I and another friend {Frugal Jen} had the same babysitter/nanny {Kate} when we were little, and Kate had these heavy satin curtains that I used to hide behind and rub between my fingers while I was sucking my thumb. For Christmas one year, Kate gave me a blue satin pillow case...lets just say it fell apart. So my loving mom over the years found things for me to literally pacify my obsession with rubbing fabrics between my fingers. The last thing she ever bought me was a sleeping bag. One side was red satin, and the other was a pale pink parachute material. Oh, how I loved the pink side of that sleeping bag! So much so, that I cut it apart from the rest of the sleeping bag so that I could carry this around with me!

Pathetic, I know....gasp if you must!

Well, I never ever left without it. Period. Even in highschool. But once in HS, I had a boyfriend who bought me this little tweety head pillow thingy {Hollie, you should so remember this, I always had it in my car and at Clay's!}, and I started to carry my "pink thing" in there. At one point in time, at about 20 years old, I quit carrying this around with me, and just slept with it at night. Then mom got sick and passed away....I'm worse now than I ever was as a child!

Needless to say, over the past 7 years, I have always carried a little piece of the "pink thing" with me at all times. Well, with the thought that this so call blanket will not last forever, I made me an official blanket with part of it and put the rest away for safe keeping. And trust me, I have had this blanket for 22 years now, I won't lose it!

So, in conclusion, here are some pictures for you to laugh at me. But please remember, this is truly my most prized possession, and every day it makes me remember my mom, even if it really means that I am a little crazy!


Side 1 {pink satin & chenille}



Side 2 {pink satin & pink blankie material}



And just for your infinite pleasure....yes, my mom even talked to a psychiatrist & psychologist to make sure this was normal! And {ha ha ha} they said it was very normal for adults to do this, kind of like a nervous habit, or a security habit!

Alicia

Oh...Now I Remember

...why I don't like the cold weather! My hands are super DRY, and CRACKED, and RED, and they HURT!

Uggghhhhh! I seriously think I have put lotion on about 35 times already! I'm going to have to go home and use my satin hands!