Excuse Me... Your Gonna Put What... Where?

Never again...N.E.V.E.R.

A few days ago I had an HSG {hysterosalpingogram} performed.  Worst pain I've ever experienced. I mean screaming on the table {using ugly words}, hitting the x-ray machine, yelling at my doctor pain.  It was worse than my c-section.  Yes, I'm aware that I was numb during the c-section, but I mean the whole process, ya know, the recovery.  This was worse.  

I believed the doctors when they told me it would be a little uncomfortable.  They lied.  And so did everyone else I know who's had this procedure.  You see when I walked in, I knew they had lied to me.  When I saw all the "tools" on the table I wanted to leave.   Now this next part is going to explain in normal people terms what those evil people did to me.

At first it was like a normal old pap smear, which isn't pleasant but tolerable.  Then they tell me I'm going to feel a big pinch.  Big pinch my @$$, they tried to remove my cervix with a screwdriver!  Then it just went downhill from there.  When they told me they were going to inject the contrast I was a little freaked out.  I came off the table screaming!!!  It felt like they were setting me on fire from the inside.  I actually begged them to stop.  I think Tab wanted to run from the room!

  Once they did finally stop and removed the lovely tools, I felt better.  Not much better, but it was an improvement.  They told me that everything looked great.  Tubes were clear {fallopian} and my uterus was the right size, shape and in the right place!  Great, let's make us a baby!  

Later that night, I was ready to die.  My whole abdomen was full of sharp, stinging pain.  Nothing helped.  By 10pm I had a fever.  I called a friend who's hubby is a doctor, he performs this same procedure, and he told me to go to the ER.  So after I cried for about 10 minutes, we load Caroline up and drop her off at her dad's and head to the hospital.  I waited, they put me in a room, ran tons of tests and released me the next day.  They said I was fine.  I already had an appointment that same day to have an ultrasound done with the doctor who performed the HSG, so we talked when I got there.  He had the nerve to tell me that sometimes that just happens!

All this happened Tuesday/Wednesday.  I'm still hurting.  And I get to go back again tomorrow, well today actually, and have another procedure done.  What's all this for?  I'm getting to that, I promise.

I really wanted to do this without talking about it, but I know that if I don't document it, I will forget what I was going through at this exact moment in my life.  What I felt, what exactly I went through.

I've briefly talked about it before...infertility. 

What a heavy word.  I'm not sure how I feel about that word.  I know that I didn't have any problems when I conceived Caroline.  But things have changed.  We're not sure if there is any change in me or not.  I know the main reason behind it, but I won't be sharing that here.  I've been under the impression that I was fine.  But after 3 try's at IUI with negative results, I question that.  But, then again, the statistics aren't that great when trying to conceive.  Did you know that?  I sure didn't!  Only 16% each cycle!  Which just tells me that it's all in His hands anyway.  But it doesn't mean I don't hurt for a baby.

I beg God for a baby...daily.  Does he hear me?  I'm sure he does.  Is that in His plan?  I have no clue!  I just have to wait it out. 

We're on our 4th try.  I'm scared, hopeful, excited and terrified all at once.  That was why I had the oh so fun HSG procedure done.  To make sure there isn't anything wrong with me.  And it looks like I'm fine.

When I went in Wednesday for the ultrasound, they saw 2 follicles {eggs}.  I was a little disappointed because they had me on all kinds of fertility drugs this time, and I expected there would be a lot more eggs!  But, of course I know that it only takes one egg!  They gave me my trigger shot, and we go in the morning to try to make a baby make a baby!

Please keep us in your prayers in the morning, and in the weeks to come.  I just pray that this is the time.  That this is His plan for us, for our family.

Thought Filled Tuesdays

So how was your weekend? Mine was good thanks! HeHeHe!

-We had a pretty low key weekend. Cleaned did more laundry...ughhh! Reorganized a bit.

-And I am really trying to de-clutter {is that even a word} the house and make more use of the space. We have soooo much furniture that I can't seem to find the right place for things. And why is there never enough storage? I'm at my wits end with this. And of course since we are trying to save money for more infertility treatments, it's not like I can justify going out and spending what I want to get things the way I want them! I'd much rather have a baby!

-I made a pot roast on Sunday morning, and let it slow cook all day...YUMMY! I love a good pot roast...potatoes, onion, carrots...and of course the roast, but really, I could live without the roast, I want the tender veggies!

-The only grocery stores we have down here are H-E-B's, and they're okay, I would still rather have a Central Market, but since H-E-B owns them, I can deal with it! H-E-B has their own brand of ice cream...now I am usually a Blue Bell only girl, but let me tell you, this stuff is awesome! I had some back on my birthday, and thought I would try to find it....Score! I found it....White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle...my tummy was so happy!

-I really need some parenting tips. Caroline has always been a pretty good kiddo, tons of energy, but pretty well-mannered. Lately she has really been pitching fits, whining, and arguing while whining. What do I do? It seems like nothing works. And its not just about getting her way, it's over anything and everything...is this normal?


One day, she'll be so mad at me for posting this!


If you feel like joining in and sharing your random thoughts go ahead! This is a simple thing, really it is. There is no point, or direction to these posts, just simple musings you have that you are willing to share! Have Fun!!!!!

Trying Times

There is no need to go on and on about the troubles in the world today. But what I think about are the personal battles we all face. My heart has been hurting for so many families lately. And then, when I stop to think about my own battles, I feel a little ashamed. Ashamed that I would be worried about something, when there are so many others who have children fighting for their lives.

But then...when I'm praying, I tell God that, I too need his loving arms. I have trying times too. Me and my family have battles too.

I have been sick over everything that has happened with Tab being in the hospital, and mostly sick over Caroline and her diagnosis of ITP - Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Perpura, which is listed as a rare blood disease.

I have been praying day and night for families that I only know of through other people or blogs {which is just as good as really knowing them}, and I pour my heart out to Him gladly on their behalf. I wouldn't change any of it. I just feel for these people, whatever their prayer requests are, I feel for them.

I don't know exactly why I am feeling so mushy today, but I am. I feel like I am in the midst of trying times. I feel like He is testing me. I feel like I'm sinking. The only thing that keeps my head above the water is that I know He has a plan for me and my family. Sometimes, I do want to just yell, "God, would you hurry up!" I feel like I'm just waiting and waiting for the plan to be revealed, which I am waiting for it, I just seem to be impatient these days!

One thing I have briefly touched on in a few posts is our trying to have a baby. This is one of the things I feel like I am struggling with right now. I've said, and still believe, that whatever God's plan is for another child, I'll be okay. I so badly want another child. And I have touched on the fact the we have to do infertility treatments, so its a struggle from the start.

Some days, I just feel hopeless. Infertility treatments are just so costly, and I feel as though we have reached the end of our rope. I refuse to put us in a less favorable position so that we can try to have a baby. And what stinks is that we are not opposed to other options, like adoption...remember I'm adopted. But have you checked the cost of that lately? Who would have thought you would have to pay in upwards of 20k to give a child a loving home? Sure, let me just pull out my handy dandy savings account and make that withdrawl right quick.

I also have some anger. Anger that it can't just be simpler.

I was jokingly talking to my parents and sister yesterday at lunch, and said that I am thinking about just putting a flyer out on the campus for some donors. I said, I could give them a hundred bucks for a cup, and that would still be cheaper! I really wouldn't do this, husband would kill me! But, how sad is it that I pay more for the donor's goods {ahem} than I do to have the procedure done?

Sorry that I'm all over the place with this post.

Sometimes I think we just get overwhelmed in life, and I know when I get that way, I jump from one topic to the next, usually without taking a breath :)

Let me end with this one little tidbit. Please don't think that I don't have a calmness about His plans for us, because I do. Even if it's not His will for us to have a baby, I am okay with that. Why, how? Because He has already blessed me. We have Caroline. I can live out the rest of my time here knowing she was my gift from God.

Answers

So, I have a few questions to answer! Thanks for participating in my boredom!

1. Ok where do you see your self in 10 years? Easy question...do you plan on having any more kiddos? ~Elyse~

Well Elyse, in 10 years I'll be 40 {oh goodness!} and have a 16 year old daughter {can we say anxiety?}! I think I might runaway! Really I see my self in much the same place. The only big changes I can foresee would be having a teenager! In answer to the 2nd half, we are trying to have another baby! Unfortunately though, we have infertility issues that we have to work with. We have attempted to get pregnant 3 times, and so far it hasn't worked. But I have faith that if God has it in His plan for us, then we will have a baby, if not, He already gave me Caroline and I am content with that!

2. So, do you guys have any pets? ~LeAnna~

I love this question! We have 4 puppy dogs, which I LOVE to death! I am a huge animal lover and would take every last one if I could!

This is Heidi {Australian Shepherd}

This is Betsy {Heidi's Daughter}

Can you tell they love each other? Awwwwww........

This is Shimmer {Caroline's Chihuahua}

And this is my baby Daisy Mae {Bloodhound}

And this is Daisy Mae 6 months ago...wow look how big she has gotten!!!


3. What is your favorite food? ~Frugal Jen~

Girl, you should have been more specific! You are gonna wish you hadn't asked!

In general Mexican. Specifically Cheese Enchiladas with queso and rice....yummy!

For a snack....I'm a chips and salsa girl too! Ice Cream is mint chocolate chip! I can't live without coffee & Dr. Pepper, and as far as dessert goes, Tiramasu, Key Lime Pie, or anything Chocolate!

How About....

A question & answer session?

I know I only have a few readers, but I have nothing to do at work at the moment {shhhh...don't tell my boss, oh wait, she reads my blog...busted!}, and thought maybe the few readers who don't know me would be willing to be adventuresome and ask me a question.

Now, most of my readers don't leave me comments, but I know you are reading! Why not make yourself known? I'd love to meet y'all! Even if you keep quiet, I'm thrilled that something has brought you here for a visit!

If you want to know anything, go ahead and ask....I'm an open book!

{And I love to talk, just ask anyone!}

3rd times not Always a Charm

I right this post with great sorrow.

You know the old saying that the 3rd times a charm?

Unfortunately not this time around. Remember the post a few weeks ago asking for your prayers? Well we went for out 3rd try to get pregnant. We have anxiously been waiting till this Wednesday to take our home test. This morning we knew there was no need. I keep telling myself that it is going to be okay, that God has a plan for our family. I know deep down somewhere that's true, but right now it just doesn't feel that way. We want this so badly, and it just hurts so much.

The worst part is that we are probably coming close to the end of the line. For those of you who don't know much about the infertility process, it is very expensive. We are reaching a point where we may not be able to continue down this path. It breaks my heart. I'm not going to go on and on about this, but I just wanted to tell those of you who have been keeping up with our tries to bring more love and joy into our family. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

Love, Alicia

Keep on Trucking!

I am sad to say that the IUI (intrauterine insemination) did not work this time. We were really hopeful since I actually made it the 2 weeks waiting time without "starting". But, late Saturday we knew there was no need to take the test. Please do not feel badly for us, we know the God has a plan for us, and that when He is ready we will know what that plan is!

We are not going to quit the infertility process, and plan to try again in a few months! Hopefully, we will be able to have a baby, but if not, then we are going to pursue other options.

I had a great talk with my best friend on Sunday morning, and we were just reaffirming that this was not the end, that God knows what he has in store for us! A lot of people can't believe that I'm not devastated, because so many people are when they can't conceive. I was telling Michelle that I hear so many women just heartbroken....and I just don't think they believe in Him! If they did, it seems to me that they would have faith that God does have a plan for all of us, and that He never gives us anything we can't handle!

PLEASE do not think that I am not sad, I just have my faith! And whether or not we have a baby, God gave me Caroline, and I will always feel so blessed!!!!!

Much Love~
Alicia

To be or not to be?

I have had lots of questions, comments and calls on whether or not I have any "feelings" or "instincts" on my ever closer pregnancy test. I can't even to begin to make a call on this one. I have felt a little crampy on 2 different days, and that could be Implantation cramping, or it could be just the sad announcement of the ole' aunt flo making her stop.

My best friend, God love her, has called me every few days to ask if I feel pregnant yet! I so wish I could say that I did! Michelle, keep praying honey!

So this is day 10 since we had the procedure done, and implantation of the egg normally takes place between 8-12 days, so hopefully it has found a little comfy spot in there to get all cozy for the next 9 months!

Keep Praying!
Alicia

Baby Maybe?

Well, this weekend was a big weekend for us! Some of you know that my hubby & I are trying to have a baby. We unfortunately have infertility issues and this makes it a tad bit difficult to say the least. We have already "tried" once in June and were unsuccessful, so we have been patiently waiting until we could try again.

For those of you who don't know how the whole process works, I will give a brief explanation! Basically on the 1st day of the evil flow, I start counting. On day 10 I get the joy of peeing on a stick every day until I have my "surge". When a follicle has adequately matured, a surge of Luteinizing Hormone (LH) causes the follicle to burst and release the egg into the fallopian tube. Once I get my surge, I call the doc, and have to go in the next morning for my procedure. We have a very small window of opportunity, so it gets a little stressful. Once you have your surge, you basically have 48 hours to get the deed done before your eggs die off. So once I get close to when I know I usually ovulate (day 14 or 15), I get to pee on the little sticks 2-3 times a day! Caroline thinks this is great fun, and wants to be the one to watch and tell me if I get to have a baby. And yes, she knows that it only means I can "try" to have one.

So...during some shopping on Saturday, she & I are tooting along in Target about noonish, and I need to go to the bathroom. So we run into the bathroom to pee on the stick. She excitedly announces that I got a smiley face and its time to try for "her" baby sister. Can you tell she is excited? My 1st thought is 'Yipee'.....quickly followed by.....'crud, its the weekend'! Now that doesn't mean I can't have it done, its just a little more complicated and nerve racking. So we quickly finish our shopping and rush home to call the on-call doc to get this set-up. After about 2 hours of frustrating phone calls, we finally get the whole thing down. I have to be there at 9am on Sunday morning.

Great. Not really.....it has just dawned on me that Caroline and my nephew are playing in her room because he is spending the night while his parents are at a football game. Now I have to figure out what to do with the 2 of them in the morning. So when my sister in law calls to check on him later, I fill her in....she has been through this too, so she is super understanding about it! She will pick the kids up around 8 so we can make the almost hour drive. Which is so wonderful because Caroline was really looking forward to going to church, and we weren't going to be able to go, but Analisa is the only other person in the family that goes to church, so Caroline still got to go!

The IUI went very well, and I am really feeling good about it this time! Please pray that it is God's will to bring a new addition to our family. We are very excited about getting the opportunity to EVEN TRY to have a baby with the expense of infertility doctors and procedures. But I pray constantly that God will bless us with a new life to love and cherish. Please keep us in your prayers....we have 2 EXCRUTIATING weeks to wait until we know! UGHHHHH........I hate waiting!