The Straw that Broke..

Whew!  I knew when Caroline told us she wanted to be a competition cheerleader that there would be trying times ahead, lots of travel and lots of practice!  But boy...I had no clue!  Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for the world simply because Caroline loves it!  But there are times when I want to say enough already.

Caroline's team is very small, only 8 girls, so they have to have all hands on deck at all times.  Each girl is important.  And more than that, we made a commitment to the team that we would follow the season through till the end.  We had a family decide that they would not be coming back to cheer...3 days before a competition.  Wowzers!  What were the girls going to do?  I can be honest and say that I was a little ticked off, these girls have worked their little hearts out and now, they may not get to compete.  We found out that the little girl leaving was going to go ahead and compete and we were thrilled!  Then on the morning of the meet, she wasn't there.

So again, the moms are really disappointed.  We are trying to not let our girls know what's going on.  The coaches end up deciding to have them not compete and just "show off".  The girls get out there and cheer their little hearts out anyway.  We were sooo proud of them!

We all started getting ready to go home because the weather was getting bad {we were in Denton, TX and it was raining and snowing}when several of the girls started asking why we were leaving.

Caroline asked me why we weren't staying to see how they did.  My heart broke.  She didn't know.  I asked her if the coach told them about competing, and she said no.  So then I had to tell her that they didn't really compete.  As soon as I said it she lost it.  I mean sobbing.  That was the straw the broke this mommies back.  I couldn't help it...I lost it too.  She was crushed.  She was just so upset.  I felt horrible that they went out there trying for 1st place only to come back and find out they didn't get to compete at all.

I was so mad.  I'm not even gonna try to hide it!  I was ticked!  Now I don't want everyone to think that I'm some mean woman who gets mad because someone quit, that's not it at all.  Just have the decency to give some notice.  It was a very hard day and I hope that we never get faced with that again.  The only thing that saved the day was the snow!  And let me tell you it was coming down!  Everyone made it home safely and the girls learned a valuable lesson:  when you make a commitment, you follow through till the end of that commitment.

The Alternate

The last two weeks have been ex.haus.ting to say the least!  Caroline has been sick for the past two weeks, and last week she tested positive for strep...uggghhhh!  Not only do I hate to see my girl sick and hurting, but with it comes days of staying home from work, sleepless nights, and just plain old worrying. 

But I think she's finally 100% again!

Tonight after dinner we were going through her backpack, checking her folders for missed work from last week.  Yea, I know...I should have done this earlier in the weekend instead of Sunday night at 7:30!  Parent of the year, that's me.  Anyhow, we got sidetracked and after she got done getting ready for bed and all tucked in, I went back to going through the papers.  I was hoping to find information about her upcoming UIL competition; she's doing Storytelling.  And then I see something no parent wants to see.  The envelope.  You know, the one that says, "To the parents of ....".  I was thinking, great...what am I in trouble for?  Because I knew that she hadn't been in any trouble!  LOL!  So I tell the hubs to come over to where I'm at so we can open it.  I pull out the slip of paper and it says, "Your child, Caroline, has been selected as the alternate for the UIL competition in Storytelling".  Uh oh.  We just kinda looked at each other like, well, Uh Oh! I knew she didn't know anything about it because we had been talking about the competition earlier.  I was soooo scared of telling her.  I just knew she would be crushed.

So we decide we would go in and talk to her about it before she got to school tomorrow and found out.  I sit down on her bed and tell her that I got a note home about the competition and that I had some bad news, that she was going to be the alternate.  She smiles at me and says, "Yesssss"!  Huh?  I was a little confused.  I said, "you wanted to be the alternate?", and she said, "yes, that way if I freeze up, my score won't count".

Tab and I both just started laughing.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing!  LOL!  She was afraid she would get up there and be nervous!  She said that being the alternate was great because she still got to compete, just with "no pressure".  Sometimes she throws me for a loop.  I was so sure she was going to be so upset she was chosen as the alternate, and then she tells us she's happy she's the alternate!  She definitely keeps me on my toes!

My Adoption

I'm linking up with Kelly's Show us Your Life!
***I'm going to try to give you a little back story, but there are parts I may get wrong, LOL!***

My parents were married in August of 1962.  I'm not sure when or if they ever tried to have children.  It was always my understanding that my mom couldn't conceive.  At some point they decided to adopt.  They went to a local adoption agency and began the process.  In June of 1969 my sister was born, and my parents had the joy of bringing her home weeks later.  They decided after some time had passed to adopt again, which to me was quite amazing considering the hoops they had to jump through with my sister's adoption!  I can't remember if they went to the agency again, or if they tried other avenues, but nothing ever happened.

Years later they were given the name of an attorney who could help them.  They were told sometime in late 1977 that they would be parents in March 1978.  March came and went and they never heard anything.  On May 3rd 1978 my mom was in her classroom teaching her precious kids, when the loud speaker came on and the principal urgently asked her to come to the office for a phone call.  God only knows what she thought as she rushed to the office that day, but when she got on the phone, it was the attorney.  He told her that a baby girl had just been born and he needed to know if they wanted her.  She said she needed to call her husband first, but the attorney told her that he couldn't wait for that, he needed an answer right then...so she said yes!  So a few days later my parents brought me home.

***Again, parts of that may be wrong, but that's they way my momma told me it happened!***

An interesting thing happened in the 2nd grade.  I met a little girl who was also adopted.  Our moms got to talking and realized they both used the same adoption attorney!  What makes this so interesting, is that the other mom was told she would be waiting for a baby in May...her daughter was born in March!  And to make it even more interesting, this couple was Hispanic, their little girl was half Hispanic!  We've always wondered if their was a little switching around!

From here, I'm going to share my feelings about being adopted.  I can't ever remember a time that I didn't know that I was adopted.  They never hid it from us, in fact they explained it to us both when we were very young.  My mom always told me that I was her gift from God.  There has never been a time in my life that I would want it any other way.  I love my family.  I love that they chose to adopt.  There have been 2 times in my life that it has slightly bothered me.  Once in the 7th grade when we were doing some genetic XY chromosome thingy!  We were inputting our parents traits such as hair and eyes, and determining where we got our traits.  I was crushed that day.  Mostly because of stupid junior high kids who thought they were funny, but it was the 1st time I really felt like I didn't belong.  Now if you saw my family together, it was glaringly obvious I stuck out like a sore thumb!  My parents both had very dark hair, and I was a bleach blonde.  They both had dark eyes, and mine were light green.  There was nothing remotely similar about us!  But I had never felt like I was different until that day.

I've never had any desire to find my birth parents.  To some, this really bothers them to hear me say that.  I can't tell you how many people over the years that have given me grief over that.  But all I can say is that I feel incredibly blessed.  I was born in 1978, when abortion was legal.  Just 5 years after Roe vs. Wade.  I feel blessed that my birth mother chose not to end my life, but rather, that she chose to give me the best life possible.  Whether this is true or not, I always felt like it would break my parents heart if I ever chose to find out about my birth parents.  For me, all I needed to know was that I had parents who loved me.

Over the years, I've been asked millions {okay, maybe not millions} of questions about being adopted, and my answers are only my answers.  Not the answers that every adopted child has.  

-Do I ever want to meet my birth parents?  Nope, not really.  They created me, but they aren't my parents.

-What would I do/say if they found me?  This has changed a lot over the years.  When I was younger, I thought I would have some choice words to say to them, and not very nice.  Then, I wasn't so sure what I would say.  Then when I found out at 23 that I was pregnant, and not married, I was furious again.  I just kept thinking that there is no way I would ever give up my baby.  And let me tell you, it wasn't like I was perfectly capable on my own.  My mother had just passed away 5 months before, I was raised Southern Baptist and terrified of my father {love you daddy!}.  I didn't really know what was going to happen, but I knew that there was never any choice of what would happen...I would give her the best life I could.  And I'll be honest, I had a great job, so there weren't necessarily financial worries, but I didn't have any family support system at that moment.  My mom was gone, my dad was in the process of moving a 100 miles away, and my sister was struggling.  I was a little scared.

-But they're your real parents...No, they aren't.  They are my birth parents.  My real parents raised me, supported me, and loved me every day.

-How can you say they didn't love you?  I guess I can't truly say that.  Maybe they did.  I know my birth father didn't even know about me.  My birth mother was very young and I wasn't her 1st baby {supposedly}.  I can't really speak for them.  But for me, I know I could never imagine giving a child up.  I know it's best in many circumstances, and maybe that's why it's so hard for me to imagine, I've never been in dire circumstances.  I respect those who realize they can't take care of a baby, or shouldn't, or just don't want a baby.  So I can't really draw my own conclusions.  They may have loved me, may still.

The next time I was thrown for a loop about being adopted was 10 years later, when I found out I was having my own baby.  It was very scary that 1st OB/GYN appointment when I couldn't answer a single question about my family history.  That was the one and only time I wanted to find my birth parents.  Walking into a pregnancy with no clue what to expect at all genetically was terrifying.  But to be honest, after a few weeks, I felt at peace with it.  I knew that I was being given a gift from God, and I couldn't ask for more.

The moment they placed Caroline in my arms, I felt complete.  For the first time.  I finally looked like someone.  Someone that had my nose, my blonde hair.  And not that those things mean more than the love my parents gave me, but it just completed that love.  I didn't need to know answers to any other questions I might have ever had.  Now that doesn't mean that feelings won't change again, I'm sure they will, I think they always do.  But I do know that nothing can ever change the love I have for my parents.  For all they've done for me, given me, loved me, and supported me.  I hope I can be half the parents they are/were.

And, as for my thoughts on would I ever adopt...Heck yes!!!  I would love to be able to give that kind of love to a child.  In fact, it's something the hubby and I have even looked into...more than once!  Thank you for reading my story.  And please know that I have no cruel intentions with anything I said in this post.  Everyone has their own views, and I ask that everyone please respect mine.  Please leave kind words only if you choose to leave a comment.  :)

**Updated** Giveaway Time!

*****UPDATED*****
***Ummm...I guess it would be nice to tell you what I'm giving away huh?  Sorry friends, it's been a long week with a sick kiddo!  This giveaway is for a $35 gift certificate to any of CSN's 200 stores!***

Okay people the time has come to post my giveaway!  I mentioned a little about it briefly in this post, but let me re-cap it for you here!

"CSN Stores has offered up products for me to review or giveaway once again! They have products that are within all different price ranges meaning that there really is something for everyone.  I know one of the big things I'll be shopping for are extra tall bar stools for our kitchen counter.  The ones we have now...well, let's just say it's time for them to say goodbye! 
 
The great thing about CSN stores is that they have over 200 stores to browse through...can we say yeeessss!  How great is that?  CSN has become my go to site! I will soon be hosting a giveaway, but in the meantime be sure to check out their site. I promise you will be surprised with all that they offer!  And check back to see what I'm giving away!"

Let me just say that I love working with this company!  They have great products, fast shipping and such a huge selection that I just can't imagine someone not being able to find something they want.  Trust me, you want to go check out their stores.  Start here.

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To register, just leave a comment on this post and become a public follower.  If you are a follower already, tell me and that will count as another entry as well.   If you aren't a blogger, just put  your e-mail address in your comment so I can contact you if you win.  I'll use Random.org to choose the winner next Wednesday.

What a Week

Last week was craaaazy around my house!  Caroline was sick 2 days, so I had to stay home with her, and of course my back was hurting {what's new right?}.  She recovered fairly quickly but has had migraines over the weekend  :(

I didn't get much accomplished while we were at home, but I did work from home one day!  Mostly I just loved on my sweet girl, made her soup, gave her medicine, and cuddled on the couch with her.  Mom's TLC always helps!

I finished a book, The Finishing Touches, by Hester Browne.  It was a fun book and I related a lot to the main theme of it, being adopted.  It explored the feelings a person has, and finally the way she moved on with her life.  It was a quick read and a nice escape.  Not sure what I'll pull of my book pile next!

I also had some issues to work out with a friend.  We had a disagreement and needed to work through it, but we got it all settled.  It's nice to be able to work through a problem.  We were both looking at things from 2 different directions, and listened to other people's advice.  Sometimes that's not the best thing to do.  I think we both learned a few things last week!

I'm really realizing how much Caroline is growing up...time is going by way too fast.  She doesn't need my help taking baths, or brushing her teeth.  She can blow dry her own hair and brush it, she's starting to learn how to make food for herself.  She thinks she needs deodorant!  She sounds like an adult, her conversations rival some 40 year olds that I know!  She just amazes me, but I'm sad at the same time.  There's not much "little" girl left it seems.  I'm going to hold onto to it as long as possible though!

I'm working on some projects too, but I think I may post them to Carolina Sunshine Designs, but I may post a sneak peek here!  And I'll be hosting a giveaway later this week, so be sure to stop back by for some great goodies!

And just because I feel like posting a picture {or 3}, here you go!

Cheer Competition

 Pajama Day at school

All tuckered out...sitting up!

Inspiration

I know the Lord is with me. I will not be
shaken, for he is right beside me.

-Psalms 16:8

This is just what I needed to hear today...

Pity Party #3

Are y'all sick of me yet?  I sure am!  But it is my blog, and I need to vent and put my feelings on paper ummm, something, so I can look back and learn from what I've gone through.  So, yes, that's right my friends you get another pity party from me today.  Yay!!! {sense that sarcasm?}

I went on Tuesday for my consult in Dallas with a specialist.  Of course I knew that since this was my first appointment I wouldn't get too many answers, but I did get a little clearer picture of what all is wrong with my back.  They did 8 or so x-rays and looked at my old MRI, so they at least had a starting point.  After looking at all that and running me through some physical tests, he gave me some preliminary thoughts.

I have adult onset Scoliosis, which can be very painful.  No kidding!  I thought that it was pretty minor, but apparently it's more than I thought.  I have one shoulder blade way higher than the other, which, I didn't know until yesterday.  I also have loss of strength on my left side, which he thinks is do to the scoliosis.  Looking at my old MRI he thinks that I have 2 herniated discs, and he explained that they're not the typical herniation's either.  Of course not, I can only do things the hard way!  Basically he said to think of my disc as a tire.  Normally when a disc herniates he said that it's like a blowout, mine however are like someone slashed my tires and then I drove around for a while and the tire is shredding off.  Nice!  And then you can add in pinched nerves and arthritis.  I'm a walking {or barely walking} wreck.

So now I have to go back for 2 more MRI's, one for my neck, and one for my pelvic/lower back.  I'm not really sure why they can't do it in one, but they said they can't that I'll just have back to back MRI's.  Luckily they'll be able to get those done in the morning and then I'll have my follow-up appointment that afternoon.  I have no clue what the plan of action will be yet, I'll get those answers when I go back.  For now, I'm on a regimen of meds to help ease the pain, and it's just not working.

I've never really known what it was like to be depressed.  And I always felt bad for those people who suffered with depression.  I can say that now I know how they feel.  It really is like a feeling of hopelessness.  I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning because I know how much pain I'll be in for the rest of the day.  I don't want to do anything.  I have zero motivation to get up and do anything.  I never thought I would be struggling like this.  I absolutely love my life, I love my sweet Caroline, my hubby.  I have the best family and friends.  I have no reason to feel like this other than the pain.

But I can't hide from the fact that this is how I feel.  I just want to hide from the pain.  And I try to put my big girl pants on and get ready, get Caroline up and ready for school, go to work, and just ignore what my body feels...but it's getting harder and harder everyday.  I can't do normal everyday things like taking care of my household, my family...now, I'll admit I don't miss doing the laundry one bit {really, I hate doing the laundry} but I can't even load and unload the dishwasher anymore.  I just don't want to do anything.  I love to go watch Boog practice at cheer, I don't even want to go.  I just want to hide at home, lay on my heating pad, order dinner from somewhere, and do nothing.  It's like I just want Caroline and Tab to sit in this bubble with me and never leave.

I'm not sure that I'm 100% comfortable with putting this out here for all to see, but maybe just maybe, doing this will help me to see that I'm not the only one.  I'm not the only person struggling right now.  I've been doing my best to let my faith lead me, going to my "go to" verses in the Bible for encouragement, and praying that He can relieve this pain soon.  I'm learning that even though I believe, that I trust in the Lord, there are times when you fall from that.  When you just don't have that complete trust in Him.  I still have it, but not like I know I should. For now, I'm just going to do my best to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.  I would appreciate your prayers right now.  I know I need them!

Anyone up for a Giveaway?

CSN Stores has offered up products for me to review or giveaway once again! They have products that are within all different price ranges meaning that there really is something for everyone.  I know one of the big things I'll be shopping for are extra tall bar stools for our kitchen counter.  The ones we have now...well, let's just say it's time for them to say goodbye! 


   
The great thing about CSN stores is that they have over 200 stores to browse through...can we say yeeessss!  How great is that?  CSN has become my go to site! I will soon be hosting a giveaway, but in the meantime be sure to check out their site. I promise you will be surprised with all that they offer!  And check back to see what I'm giving away!

This Isn't Me

Down in the dumps, blue, crying crocodile tears....Not Me At All!  I am a little dramatic at times, and I do get very emotional at times, but this last few weeks...Not Me At All!  I know the cause...utter, unbelievable PAIN.  I can't sleep at night, I can't walk for long periods of time, or sit or stand.  I hurt ALL.THE.TIME!  It never stops.  I've had a bad back for years, and last year it got to the point where I just had to go see someone to get relief.  I didn't think it could hurt worse than it did then...wrong.  It's gotten to the point where I can hardly do anything physical.  I can't sweep, mop, put the dishes in the dishwasher, well....I can, but not without crying.  The mornings are the worst, I have to roll off the bed because I can't sit up.  My legs go numb, and if I bend forward or backwards it literally feels like my back is going to snap in half.

I've tried several treatments, seen several different doctors, and talked to several friends who have been through this stuff.  I grudgingly decided it was time to call in the big guns...the surgeon.  I have an appointment scheduled for next Tuesday.  I'm not sure what he'll say.  I just want some relief.  I'm starting to get to the point where I don't even want to get up in the mornings because I know I'm gonna hurt.  I can't even sit in the floor and play with Caroline.  I can't go outside and jump on her new trampoline with her.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I just can't keep hurting.

If you've ever been through back issues, or have them, I'd really like to hear your story.  How you dealt with the pain, what treatments you've done or if you've had surgery and what the outcome was for you.  You always hear soooo many different stories about back surgery, and it scares me to death, but at this point, if it will relieve the pain, I'll take it!