Breaking Down

One of the things I've always loved about blogging is that I have a place to talk openly.  To have a place where I can be me, speak what is on my heart, and talk about my struggles.  

I know better than anyone how much my blog is lacking lately.  Why?  

Well...because I'm breaking.  I'm hurting, I'm raw and empty and I just can't get on here and be happy Alicia.  

For the last 2 years I've been in a downward spiral.  And a year ago, I thought I'd hit bottom.  I thought at that point I'd pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on.  And just when I think I've got a handle on things, someone comes along and breaks me back down.

Most people who "know" me would call BS.  Because for all intents and purposes, I'm able to function on a daily basis and hide all my pain.  It's not until I'm away from everything that it consumes me.

I'd go into more detail, but sadly there are those who will use it against me.  Message me and I'll be glad to share.

I've talked many times about my mom.  About my love for her, losing her, how it affects me.  At this moment, I know if she were here, I'd be okay.  That may sound bad, like I'm not okay when I have the biggest blessing of all right here.  Caroline.  Let me clarify.  If I had both of them, my life would be as close to perfect as it can get.

She would know just what to say.  She would know how to deal with all the turmoil.  She would guide me through and hold my hand the whole time.

...

People are quick to judge.  Even though God tells us we shouldn't.  But we do.

I'm guilty, are you?

People only see one side of things.  It's rare that they actually have a window into the whole.  They get bits and pieces and think they have it all.  But they don't.

My worries are many.  It's not just one thing.  

Many of you know that I was married to Caroline's dad and we divorced years ago.  I've talked candidly about things, about supporting him when he chose to move down here closer to Caroline.  You also know that I'm happily re-married to the love of my life (as corny as that saying is).  And those who are closest to us know the ins and outs of how it all works.

But sooo many people don't know the whole.  They see parts, hear parts, but they don't live it.  We do.

And I'm just drained with all the people looking in passing their judgement. 

It's.not.your.place.

I make decisions based on what I feel is best for my daughter.  And for all of those who want to make comments and pass judgement on what I decide, get the whole story.  Just because you know one of us and not both, just because you hear one set of things and not both, doesn't mean you know everything all of us have been through.  And there are those who know both and still pass judgement and still make things harder for all involved.

I'm sick of people butting in.  I'm sick of people who have never been through a divorce, let alone one involving a young child trying to "side" with either party.  I can say without a shadow of a doubt that those who know me and what I have to say, have no problem giving me another perspective.  And, big shock, I welcome it.

We don't look to our friends/family to simply support us.  We look to them to help guide us.  I make mistakes.  I always will and I hope that those who truly love me, will take the time to know the whole of what's going on and give me good solid advice.  I don't just want a "yes" man.  But I also have those in my life who play both sides.  For the sheer fun of it.  Or maybe because their jealous.  Who knows.  But what I do know, is that those are the people who cause the biggest problems for Caroline.  And believe me, they don't see it and they refuse to see it.  They are just petty and seek to hurt others.  Me. But, what they can't see is that it's hurting Caroline more.

Maybe one day they will see the damage they have caused.  But more than likely not.  These are the people who are self seeking.  They have no clue how they are affecting Caroline.  And whats worse is that they think they're right. In all things.

I will never.ever. apologize for doing what my daughter tells me she wants.  If you don't like that, then please, please just remove yourself from our lives.

...

I cannot emotionally or physically endure much more of this.  

I have already lost my mom.  I have a sister who lives 3000 miles away and has her own family and life to deal with.  And I have a dad who is about to be 72 and I can't face losing him.  Which is a reality I'm having to face, one that I've been ridiculed for "not acknowledging".  

I sometimes wonder if people ever stop to think what its like to lose your mother at 23?   Never seeing me married, never seeing me carry my only child, never holding that sweet precious baby girl.  And then just 11 quick years later be faced with a dad who's health is steadily declining?

It's not an easy thing to face.  Watching your daddy slowly slip away.  I can't imagine its ever easy.  But after all I've been through, watching my one and only hero slip away is almost unbearable.  And I'm tired of people passing judgement on that too.  

I will smile for that man everyday.  I will act as if nothing has changed.  Why?  Because I can't bear to lose him too.  I will act like he is the same daddy I have always known.  I will spend as much time as I am given with him.  I will cherish each day I get to go to lunch with him and each day I get to hug his sweet neck.  That man has been my hero, my inspiration, my father, my best friend and the only man I've ever cared what their opinion of me was.  And no one can take that from me.

People are absolutely amazing to me.  None of us ever know what someone is facing.   We never know how our words will affect someone or someone's life.  I would have easier days if people just minded their own business.

And maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be breaking down.

Letting Go...Finally

The beauty of owning my own domain name / blog is that I can post anything I want.  Granted any blog can truly do that, but I actually own mine.  And I'll be honest, it's no big deal.  But, I feel like when people post on FB or twitter or whatever form of social media that they choose, that they somehow are making people see the crap they post.  Whereas on my blog, you totally choose to visit here.  You're not forced to see what I post when you log in.  Although you could just delete someone on FB or twitter, but then what fun would it be if you couldn't gossip and create havoc in someone's life?  I digress...

I'm not usually a negative person, I leave that to the hubby.  I'm, 9 times out of 10, pretty upbeat and positive.  But I'm tired of logging in to FB or twitter and seeing people be so dang negative.  Try counting your blessings for a change.

In the spring of 2011 I was nominated and voted in as PTA President.  I was very happy to follow in my momma's footsteps.  Little did I know it would bring out all the "haters".  WOW.

I guess I kinda thought that since I was in my 30's and all, that people were beyond the high school cliquish ways.  Wrong.  Before I knew it, I was in the middle of a "friend" war.  Good grief.  Just what I wanted to waste my time on.  Never did I dream that people my age were still acting like this.  Yet, they are.  So this started, and I quickly washed my hands of it.  I'm not getting into the game.  So I went about my year, treated no one any differently despite things that had been said about me & my family.  They think they're invincible and that these "friends" aren't running back to me to tell me what they say...not that I want to waste my time on hearing it.  I guess the funniest part of the whole thing to me is that I put a piece of false info out to 1 person.  Promise, only one. And within 2 hours I heard it from 3 people.  I never confronted the person.  It truly wasn't worth my energy.

The year went on just fine after that.  Piece of cake actually.  I held my cards close and never let those fake people anywhere near my real life.  Although they sure thought they were.

The last 2 months of school rolls around and all hades breaks loose.  Oh, the hilarity of it all.  I was verbally threatened.  I was bullied.  And they really thought I was gonna admit to things, which oddly enough, never happened.  I guess what makes it completely comical to me, is that I never said a word about any of these people.  You see, I was childish enough once to play that game, and I lost.  And I will never, ever do it again.  I hurt my friend, her family, and we've never been friends since.  I know the price.

But I guess what irks me the most is how completely brazen some people are.  Self-consumed.  Arrogant.  Pitiful people.  Who seek to destroy others.  And I'm tired of being the target.  My business was copied, my gear was copied, my locations were copied.  And, I guess that's the most sincere form of flattery, to have what you've worked so hard for over the past 2+ years copied.  But I'm over it.  I'm washing my hands of it here and now.  I've given an olive branch, trying to forgive, but its been broken in my face.

Being so self-centered is not my style.  And I have to admit, whoever watches my FB and "reports" to others what I post, it's a little pathetic.  I made a post yesterday.  Which was quickly spread to people the post had nothing to do with.  Obviously they are so self-consumed they thought it was, and everything I do apparently, revolving around them.  Here is what I posted...obviously their guilt got the better of them...

...I'm tired of hearing people whining about how soon school's gonna start, how many school supplies they have to buy etc...be THANKFUL you have those kids to drive you crazy all summer and that you GET to help provide supplies for all the kids!!! $10 extra bucks for stuff your kid won't need but another family can't afford will NOT kill you! Too many people take for granted that God gave them this blessing! Suck it up people! I know too many parents who are watching their kids fight for their lives. Geesh!...

Now what amazes me most about the whole thing is that this post was not directed at, involving, or pertaining to said selfish person.  It was however, directed at 3 of my friends back home who over the past 3 days have gripped on FB about these very things.  And I have commented on those posts stating how I disagreed.  And why was I so sick of seeing and hearing about it?  Because I happen to know of a few families whose children are fighting, literally, fighting for their lives.  And I'm tired of people taking what their given for granted.  Each child is a blessing.  I was blessed with one, tried many, many times and years for another.  If you can't find something better to do than gripe about those blessings, then please, get away from me.  

So I guess you could say a "response" to my post was posted on this person's page.  Who, I blocked and can't see, who no one I actually talk to would dare discuss because they can't stand her, who I do not ever want to be associated with...so why, please tell me, would I ever want to openly talk about her?  Duh people.  I don't.  But, I feel like I need to purge all my bad feelings and so that's what I'm doing tonight.  I'm letting go.  I'm saying what needs to be said so that I can rid myself of all the negativity.  I will allow her this post.  Here you go.  I'm ridding my life of your toxicity.  Enjoy the glory of me talking about you.  And don't mistake anything I say ever again to be about you.  Frankly, your just not worth the energy.  I have a precious little girl whom I would do anything for, cherish each day I get, a husband whom I love madly and who loves and cherishes me.  I truly hope you can find your happiness in life, but I'm done letting you try to put your negativity off on me.  Take ownership of your actions people.

I'm truly sad for people like this who just can't seem to find better things to do than compare their lives to others and cast judgement.  Be thankful...you never know when He might choose to take it all away.

Thank you to the many people I can truly call my friends.  You are priceless to me and my family!

p.s.  I can see every IP address that visits.  So all of you that thrive on stirring the pot, I can track you all the way down to google maps showing me where you've logged in from down to house and street.  enjoy the blog :)

Counting Down

I'm sure there are many of you out there who have to share your kids, whether it be from divorce or having a baby daddy you don't live with.  It happens.  It's sad, but the truth.  I'm the 1st...divorced {but over the moon happily remarried}.  During the year having to share my time with my girl is hard, it makes me sad.  But, I never wanted to be "that ex" that made things difficult when it came to our daughter.  I've done my best, allowed tons of "extra" time for her and her dad.  But, then comes summer.

Summer is a whole 'nother ballgame!  She has to spend 30 days with her dad, all in a row.  I get 1 weekend...out of 30 days.  Can you hear my heart break? And yes, I do realize it could be worse, in fact it was.  If her dad lived over 100 miles from me then she would go for 42 days.  Which used to be the case until he moved closer.

She's been at her dad's since June 1st and I'm counting down the days till she comes home.  I mean literally, counting them down.  In fact, I'm having a celebration with my girls the night before.  I can.not wait till July 1.  Then she's all mine {and hubs} and we're whisking her off to the beach for our annual 4th of July beach week!!!  If only I can make it through the next 10 days {and yes, that's counting today}.

So, I'm wallowing a little today...because I miss my girl.

Every.Single.Day

Sweet Daisy Mae

I've avoided this post for quite some time.  It makes me sad to write it.  My sweet, sweet Daisy Mae had to be put down.  Y'all...I loved her...my precious hound dog.  It totally broke my heart.  No one really knows what happened, but the vet does know that she was in severe kidney failure, either caused by eating something toxic or Leptospirosis.  I had to make the decision to put her down...it was the hardest and best thing I could do for her.  Caroline and I went to say goodbye and I stayed with Daisy Mae till the end.  Daisy Mae came home with us and we picked out a special place in the front yard under a tree for her to rest.  We had a little "service" for her and put some of her favorite things with her and said our good-byes.

Our big dogs, Heidi and Betsy were so sad that day, they knew.  It just broke my heart.  I cried all darn night.  They missed their buddy and I missed my sweet girl.  

  I love you Daisy Mae!!!!

Pity Party #3

Are y'all sick of me yet?  I sure am!  But it is my blog, and I need to vent and put my feelings on paper ummm, something, so I can look back and learn from what I've gone through.  So, yes, that's right my friends you get another pity party from me today.  Yay!!! {sense that sarcasm?}

I went on Tuesday for my consult in Dallas with a specialist.  Of course I knew that since this was my first appointment I wouldn't get too many answers, but I did get a little clearer picture of what all is wrong with my back.  They did 8 or so x-rays and looked at my old MRI, so they at least had a starting point.  After looking at all that and running me through some physical tests, he gave me some preliminary thoughts.

I have adult onset Scoliosis, which can be very painful.  No kidding!  I thought that it was pretty minor, but apparently it's more than I thought.  I have one shoulder blade way higher than the other, which, I didn't know until yesterday.  I also have loss of strength on my left side, which he thinks is do to the scoliosis.  Looking at my old MRI he thinks that I have 2 herniated discs, and he explained that they're not the typical herniation's either.  Of course not, I can only do things the hard way!  Basically he said to think of my disc as a tire.  Normally when a disc herniates he said that it's like a blowout, mine however are like someone slashed my tires and then I drove around for a while and the tire is shredding off.  Nice!  And then you can add in pinched nerves and arthritis.  I'm a walking {or barely walking} wreck.

So now I have to go back for 2 more MRI's, one for my neck, and one for my pelvic/lower back.  I'm not really sure why they can't do it in one, but they said they can't that I'll just have back to back MRI's.  Luckily they'll be able to get those done in the morning and then I'll have my follow-up appointment that afternoon.  I have no clue what the plan of action will be yet, I'll get those answers when I go back.  For now, I'm on a regimen of meds to help ease the pain, and it's just not working.

I've never really known what it was like to be depressed.  And I always felt bad for those people who suffered with depression.  I can say that now I know how they feel.  It really is like a feeling of hopelessness.  I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning because I know how much pain I'll be in for the rest of the day.  I don't want to do anything.  I have zero motivation to get up and do anything.  I never thought I would be struggling like this.  I absolutely love my life, I love my sweet Caroline, my hubby.  I have the best family and friends.  I have no reason to feel like this other than the pain.

But I can't hide from the fact that this is how I feel.  I just want to hide from the pain.  And I try to put my big girl pants on and get ready, get Caroline up and ready for school, go to work, and just ignore what my body feels...but it's getting harder and harder everyday.  I can't do normal everyday things like taking care of my household, my family...now, I'll admit I don't miss doing the laundry one bit {really, I hate doing the laundry} but I can't even load and unload the dishwasher anymore.  I just don't want to do anything.  I love to go watch Boog practice at cheer, I don't even want to go.  I just want to hide at home, lay on my heating pad, order dinner from somewhere, and do nothing.  It's like I just want Caroline and Tab to sit in this bubble with me and never leave.

I'm not sure that I'm 100% comfortable with putting this out here for all to see, but maybe just maybe, doing this will help me to see that I'm not the only one.  I'm not the only person struggling right now.  I've been doing my best to let my faith lead me, going to my "go to" verses in the Bible for encouragement, and praying that He can relieve this pain soon.  I'm learning that even though I believe, that I trust in the Lord, there are times when you fall from that.  When you just don't have that complete trust in Him.  I still have it, but not like I know I should. For now, I'm just going to do my best to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.  I would appreciate your prayers right now.  I know I need them!

This Isn't Me

Down in the dumps, blue, crying crocodile tears....Not Me At All!  I am a little dramatic at times, and I do get very emotional at times, but this last few weeks...Not Me At All!  I know the cause...utter, unbelievable PAIN.  I can't sleep at night, I can't walk for long periods of time, or sit or stand.  I hurt ALL.THE.TIME!  It never stops.  I've had a bad back for years, and last year it got to the point where I just had to go see someone to get relief.  I didn't think it could hurt worse than it did then...wrong.  It's gotten to the point where I can hardly do anything physical.  I can't sweep, mop, put the dishes in the dishwasher, well....I can, but not without crying.  The mornings are the worst, I have to roll off the bed because I can't sit up.  My legs go numb, and if I bend forward or backwards it literally feels like my back is going to snap in half.

I've tried several treatments, seen several different doctors, and talked to several friends who have been through this stuff.  I grudgingly decided it was time to call in the big guns...the surgeon.  I have an appointment scheduled for next Tuesday.  I'm not sure what he'll say.  I just want some relief.  I'm starting to get to the point where I don't even want to get up in the mornings because I know I'm gonna hurt.  I can't even sit in the floor and play with Caroline.  I can't go outside and jump on her new trampoline with her.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I just can't keep hurting.

If you've ever been through back issues, or have them, I'd really like to hear your story.  How you dealt with the pain, what treatments you've done or if you've had surgery and what the outcome was for you.  You always hear soooo many different stories about back surgery, and it scares me to death, but at this point, if it will relieve the pain, I'll take it!

70th...

Today would be your 70th birthday.  Today I cried big fat tears.  Today I miss you just as much, if not more than I did 9 years ago.  9 years ago today we gathered with your friends and laid you to rest. 

I thought I would get through today okay, but I just couldn't.  As the day went on, I knew I couldn't just ignore it anymore.  I figured the only thing to do was to write it all down.  How much I miss you, how much I want to just talk to you.  How when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago I cried on Tab's shoulder for you to be there because I just wanted my mommy.  I look at Caroline and I just think of all the love you would have for her.  She is a handful, and I'm sure you look down and just laugh at times.  I know I laugh.

Sometimes I just can't grasp that you've been gone for so many years, and then at times it seems like it was yesterday.  I miss being in the kitchen and sitting in the counter while you cooked.  Or sitting in the couch with my head in your lap while you played with my hair.  I miss watching you take care of Olivia and loving her so much.  I know you would have done all those things for Caroline too.  When I'm up at her school or doing homework with her I think about you, and how much you loved teaching children.  I still can't hear 'Jesus Loves the Little Children' without thinking of you and crying.  I can't hear 'Amazing Grace'. 

Each year when Janet comes to have dad do her taxes it takes everything I have not to cry for both of you and the friendship you shared.  You touched so many lives in your 60 years, I can't imagine the lives you would have touched if you were still here.

I know better than anyone else what a spitfire you could be, we shared many a heated argument during your 23 years with me.  I look back to the few months we had before you were gone, and you did so much to protect me, and yes, we argued about that too!  I remember laying on the bed with you for the last time and crying and telling you how I was feeling.  And you understood how I felt, but you still tried to protect me.

I miss the late night talks when I would get home.  You sitting on the couch and me in the wingback chair across from you.  I miss those nights.  I miss cooking Thanksgiving dinner with you, and having the Macy's Day Parade on all morning while we cooked.  I miss decorating for Christmas and blaring Christmas music while we got everything all done. 

I know I'll Never forget any of it, but even though I have those memories, I still wish I had you here.

Just Sick

Quick post. Real quick as I feel like I'm dying.  The doctor first thought I had Mono...now, she's not quite sure.  I had blood work done this morning, and should know something by tomorrow morning.  So, I am to stay at home in bed, through the weekend.  That is unless I have some serious breakthrough in feeling better.

I will miss Caroline's school Thanksgiving lunch on Friday, and her birthday party on Saturday.

I cried the whole way home from the doctor.  How can the mommy miss those things?  I'm heartbroken....

Please Pray

I am writing this with a broken heart. I'm not even sure what to say. Many of you have prayed for Caroline's friend Ryan, and today I have to tell her that he went to be with his sweet Jesus yesterday.

Please be in prayer for this family. Many of us have never known the loss of a child, many have. I can't imagine how people can make it through this experience without the love of Christ. Ryan's family has that, and I know it will be a comfort to them in the coming days. They turned it over to Him, and knew that it rested in His hands.

Please pray for me to have the strength and the words to explain to Caroline about her precious friend. I never imagined having this conversation with her.

"Lord, please lay your healing hands on this family to heal their heartache for the loss of Ryan. We know that you are with them Lord, and that you will never forsake them. Please give them peace and comfort and hold them in your loving arms."

When I get the chance, I will post the link to his caring bridge page so that you can shower this family with love.

Some Days I Just Want to Cry

Really. I sit here as I type this with tears in my eyes. Tears of love over my daughter. Tears of fear for this stinking ITP she is battling.

When she got home today, I did my customary body check for petechiea, something I never imagined I would be accustomed to doing. As I looked over her little body, I saw the spots, and my heart sank. In my mind, I was screaming, "No, not again!".

I am full of fear.

This can only mean her count has dropped more since her counts were done yesterday. I just want her to be healed. I knew going into this that it could be a long battle. It could be a one-time occurence, or this could be a chronic disease that she fights. I hate not having the answers.

I want this to go away and be a distant memory. Will it? Right now it doesn't feel that way.

I think about all the things that can happen. If she falls, if she gets a bad cut, what will happen? I know sitting and worrying over this is not helping, but I can't seem to stop. I just feel so helpless. No mother ever wants to hear their sweet, precious little 6 year old say that they are used to getting their blood taken. That's what she says now. She wanted to know if we would have to go tomorrow now since she has developed petechiea...and I don't have the answer. That hurts, deeply. When those eyes look up at me, I want to be able to give her all the answers she desires.

I also want my mom. Not to say that I don't have a great family support system, and a wonderful step-mom, but sometimes, you just want your mom, and I do. I just keep thinking about something she told me long ago...Pray without ceasing. So that's what I'm doing, praying without ceasing.

And so everyone can think I'm completely crazy, I know my mom is with us.

Of course, with my faith, I know she is in heaven. But, I also believe her spirit is here with us. There are things that have happened that can only lead to her being here. Some nights I go to kiss Caroline's sweet head after she is asleep, and I can smell my mom on her cheek. Her perfume. Her signature scent, that I might add, I've never known anyone to wear, but my mom. And it comforts me to know that she is here, that she loves Caroline from afar, and that looks over her. If that makes me crazy, fine by me.

I also find comfort in one of my most favorite scriptures. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

No, I can't heal her, but I can find strength in Christ during these painful times. And that's what I need. I can have comfort in my faith, comfort that He can heal her.

I plan on getting up in the morning, and doing our usual routine. I plan on calling the school and telling them to restrict her activity, and that breaks my heart. She loves her school and playing with her friends. And then, I'm going to wait patiently {ha} until 9am when her doctor's office opens, call and see what we do next. Do we still wait until Friday to check her counts, or do we need to come in today? Then what?

For now, I am going to kiss my sweet baby girl goodnight. Of course, she's been alseep since 8:30, but I can't seem to find some peace so that I can sleep. I'm just going to pray myself to sleep...after I read a little Twilight.

Keep us in your prayers or thoughts please? I do have great comfort in knowing that I have friends to stand with me.

Seriously in Shock

Wow...I truly had forgotten how cruel some people could be.

Unfortunately, Caroline's dad and his girlfriend have parted ways. What makes this sad is that Caroline really likes the girl {for this post we will call her GF}. And so did I. At first I was a little concerned because she is quite a bit younger, and that made me a little uneasy. I'd like to think that most of us as parents, try to do the best things for our children. GF & I sat down when the time came for Caroline to meet her, and I told her my concerns about her age, and the things I would like her to respect when it came to her dad and I raising our daughter. I felt really good about everything after we talked.

Over the course of this last 6-8 months, we have welcomed GF into our lives and our home with open arms. That may sound strange, maybe it doesn't, but her dad and GF seemed pretty serious so I wanted to make things easier for all of us by respecting his relationship. Because in the end, that's what best for Caroline. GF has been included in all things Caroline...school, holidays, we had them down for Caroline's b-day, and after the long day of 6 year old pampering, we offered for them to stay in our home. Again, the same situation on Christmas day. Which was fine, we get along, she seemed to respect our parenting roles, what could be better.

During this time, all of us including Caroline, had conversations about their future. They were talking about moving down here this summer to be closer to Caroline, talked about marriage, kids for them, etc. Since then, times have been rough for them, which is how it goes right? You have good times and bad times. But my concern with GF has always been how inexperienced she is in life. She is more than a decade younger than me, and just doesn't see quite how the world works. She still lives at home, and Caroline's dad moved in with them too, so GF has no clue what being a "real" adult, being on your own, is like. She thinks she knows. During the last few weeks when Caroline and Tab were trying to make me have a nervous breakdown, GF repeatedly "broke up" {that just sounds so funny to me} with Caroline's dad. I felt really bad for him, seeing as he was unsure about his daughters health, and what would happen next.

What makes this whole thing worse is that GF did all this, "it's over, and you need to move" while Caroline was there. To me, that was a conversation to be had without her present. And now, she has been there this whole week for spring break, to yet again be told that her dad has to move out. GF assured me the other day, after a crying Caroline said that GF told her they could go ride horses but then left to go to the movies with another boy, that she was thinking about how this would affect Caroline and making sure she didn't do anything to hurt her. Caroline doesn't understand what is going on. And later that night, GF thought that she would be asleep and that it would be okay for her to bring a guy home with her, change clothes, grab a change of clothes and her toothbrush and leave with this guy. Caroline was awake, and saw this. I made a visible comment about not respecting me or Caroline about doing this in front of her. And yes, I was a tad ugly {not with nasty language}, I just said that if she couldn't respect what I asked, then maybe she should introduce her boyfriend to Caroline next time.

I know, I know...I am better than that, I was just so mad that she blatantly ignored my rights as a mother to keep those things out of Caroline's vision, that I lashed out a little. Instead of being the adult she thinks she is, and talking to me about it, this is what I find:

TO:ALICIA_B***h f**k you, you dont even know what your talking about so shut your f***ing mouth- GF has friends that are guys and no that isnt her boyfriend, you should be more concerned about her {Caroline's} dad taking care of her instead of who GF is with or not with. GF doesnt want to f***ing go home because your x-husband is there driving her crazy!{GF asked him to move in with her} ...so before you go believing everything that comes out of his mouth y dont you check yourself and get both sides of the story {I called and asked GF what was going on} and leave GF the f**k alone have you ever thought if steven actually had a stable life and could live on his own then THAT would prevent alot of things you dont agree with{so that makes GF's actions okay because he is living with her}?? hello. yall both should be lucky GF doesnt kick steven out of her house right now..now maybe yall should think about how that would make Caroline feel- because without GF right now he is homeless..{he might be, but Caroline has a loving, moral home with me & Tab, where those immoral things don't take place.}

This was sent to me by GF's best friend, whojust recently had a baby...at 18, I guess she already got the Best Mom Award, and has earned the right to tell me a mom of 6+ years how to be a parent. I guess maybe I have a lot more to learn about being a good parent. Ahhhhh. What it must be like to be so young and act so carefree. I prefer to spend my time making sure my little girl has the best childhood she can.

I would really like your comments on this one. Am I overreacting? Did I over step my bounds? Did I do the right thing and look out for Caroline's best interests? At this point, I just don't know. I prayed for wisdom last night, and comfort in my actions. I also prayed for GF and her friend. I do know that I love that precious, innocent, sweet little girl more than I could ever say in words.

I'm a Very Sad Mama

I know I should enjoy the time I have to myself....I really should, but I just can't. Over these last few years, friends have tried to encourage me to enjoy my kid-free time. Some days I can, but most of the time...I'm pathetic.

Let me put it to you this way. I am the type of parent that hates getting a babysitter, unless its for a special occasion, or another equally good reason. I know I may be starting a fire here, but for me, I didn't want to have kids just to have someone else watch them. I already have less time with her from having to work, and now because she has started school. So for me, I hate to have a babysitter, and therefore we usually won't go places where Caroline is less than welcome. Now that doesn't happen often, basically just on special occasions, which are rare enough anyway.

I'm sure if I stayed at home full-time, I may want more time without her glued to me. But, I'm not, so I like having her around...most of the time!

Unfortunately, her father and I divorced 3 years ago. Of course this is a whole other issue, but I tell you this because it explains my kid-free time. Her dad lives north of where we live, because that's where we both are from. I moved south because my family moved south. I will not say any bad things about the situation, other than he doesn't get to see her as often as he should. Part by choice, and part because of work. He doesn't want to take her away from things she has going on down here, so some of his weekends are lost. But don't think that I just leave it at that, I offer him anytime he wants to spend with her. For the most part, it works well. 90% of the time, we make plans with our friends to do grown-up things while she is with her dad, so thus I have even more strong feelings about having a babysitter. I have one on certain weekends.

After a huge miscommunication, he decided that he wanted her for the week of Spring Break. Which is great! She gets to spend much needed time with her dad. But he stinks at making plans, and lets me know Friday night at 8pm that he wants to get her. And he's not sure when he can come get her. But the best part is that he only has off 3 days of this week, so he was going to bring her back on Thursday. Again, fine, but I refuse to pay 88 bucks for 2 days of daycare. Not going to happen. So after me calling my best friend, Michelle, who still lives there, she will be staying the whole week and getting to spend some time with Michelle and her kiddos.

And now that I have totally gone off subject, I will finally get back to my point. I miss Boog.

I know, I know. I work all day anyway. But there won't be any picking her up in the afternoons, bathtime, hair brushing, or kisses. No kitchen helper. I'll admit, it will be nice to not hear her begging for me to do every little thing for her for a few days, but I'll be sad just the same. I won't have my nightly prayer over her, sweet morning smiles, and her infectious giggle to keep me company.




I am pathetic. Really I am. I can live with the weekend thing, it's the week thing I hate. And in the summer, it's 42 days because we live more than 100 miles apart...but he's moved closer, and he's under that 100 miles, so...it will only be 30 this summer! WooHoo! Can you tell I plan ahead?

Short & Sweet

I have been in the dumps...serious tooth issues again! I seriously want to get a pair of pliers and pull them out one by one. No, really, I do. Especially since we leave on Sunday for our cruise. Yippee {hopefully I will be able to enjoy it!}

I have lots to post but haven't felt up to it, maybe tomorrow.

I Love You Always, and Wish You were here...

Today it has been 7 long years that you have been gone. I wish I could say that I'm healed from the pain, but I'm not. There is truly not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Whether its when I'm cooking and I am looking at the cookbook you lovingly made for me, seeing your hand writing, or when I'm trying to read with Caroline in the way that you were so patient with all the children you taught. I am deeply saddened that you cannot be here to share my life with me. There are so many things I wish you were here for. Oh how you would have loved to see Caroline's 1st recital, mom she did sooo good. I wish you could have held her as a tiny baby, she was so sweet. And I'm sure you would be telling me over and over that I got it back ten fold as you saw her little personality come out!

Some days I feel like a piece of me is breaking, not having you to talk to. I know better than anyone how we fought, but I also know better than anyone the kind of love we had. You were my biggest enemy at times, and my greatest champion. I know in my heart that you are with me everyday, watching and still loving me from afar. Some days when I lean down to kiss Caroline, I can smell your perfume, which no one else I've ever known has worn. I know your kissing her sweet face too.

Words can never tell how much I long for just one more day with you. One day I'll see you again, but until then......I love you mom.

Keep on Trucking!

I am sad to say that the IUI (intrauterine insemination) did not work this time. We were really hopeful since I actually made it the 2 weeks waiting time without "starting". But, late Saturday we knew there was no need to take the test. Please do not feel badly for us, we know the God has a plan for us, and that when He is ready we will know what that plan is!

We are not going to quit the infertility process, and plan to try again in a few months! Hopefully, we will be able to have a baby, but if not, then we are going to pursue other options.

I had a great talk with my best friend on Sunday morning, and we were just reaffirming that this was not the end, that God knows what he has in store for us! A lot of people can't believe that I'm not devastated, because so many people are when they can't conceive. I was telling Michelle that I hear so many women just heartbroken....and I just don't think they believe in Him! If they did, it seems to me that they would have faith that God does have a plan for all of us, and that He never gives us anything we can't handle!

PLEASE do not think that I am not sad, I just have my faith! And whether or not we have a baby, God gave me Caroline, and I will always feel so blessed!!!!!

Much Love~
Alicia

The woes of Motherhood

mSo I haven't posted....I have no excuse other than I have nothing to post about! My little one is gone for a week to see her dad, and her grandparents in Dallas. I am very mopey....now, I know all you moms are thinking, "time to myself!!!!!", but after the 1st couple of days, I just flat out miss her! She is my joy every morning when I wake her up, and every day when I laugh at all the funny things she has to say. And, even though I have the most wonderful husband ever, I miss my Boog. I have been so lonely the last few mornings getting ready for work. No fighting about what she wants for breakfast, or what dress she just "has" to wear that day, and it makes me sad.

She is about to start school in 2 weeks, and I feel like I'm losing precious time with her before she is "a big girl".

I'm crazy huh? I know.....I know, I should enjoy the time to get things done that I can't get done when she's following me everywhere.

And, I'm trying to be the mommy that isn't crazy. I'm trying not to call her 5 times a day to tell her I love her, and let her call me when she wants to. It paid off yesterday morning. She called me and told me that she misses me and loves me, I so wanted to get in my car and go get her!

But for now I will have to wait until Sunday when my life will seem normal again, when she complains all the way home about wanting to play with her friends, and stay up late! I don't care though, I can't wait until Sunday!

Much Love~
Alicia