Breaking Down

One of the things I've always loved about blogging is that I have a place to talk openly.  To have a place where I can be me, speak what is on my heart, and talk about my struggles.  

I know better than anyone how much my blog is lacking lately.  Why?  

Well...because I'm breaking.  I'm hurting, I'm raw and empty and I just can't get on here and be happy Alicia.  

For the last 2 years I've been in a downward spiral.  And a year ago, I thought I'd hit bottom.  I thought at that point I'd pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on.  And just when I think I've got a handle on things, someone comes along and breaks me back down.

Most people who "know" me would call BS.  Because for all intents and purposes, I'm able to function on a daily basis and hide all my pain.  It's not until I'm away from everything that it consumes me.

I'd go into more detail, but sadly there are those who will use it against me.  Message me and I'll be glad to share.

I've talked many times about my mom.  About my love for her, losing her, how it affects me.  At this moment, I know if she were here, I'd be okay.  That may sound bad, like I'm not okay when I have the biggest blessing of all right here.  Caroline.  Let me clarify.  If I had both of them, my life would be as close to perfect as it can get.

She would know just what to say.  She would know how to deal with all the turmoil.  She would guide me through and hold my hand the whole time.

...

People are quick to judge.  Even though God tells us we shouldn't.  But we do.

I'm guilty, are you?

People only see one side of things.  It's rare that they actually have a window into the whole.  They get bits and pieces and think they have it all.  But they don't.

My worries are many.  It's not just one thing.  

Many of you know that I was married to Caroline's dad and we divorced years ago.  I've talked candidly about things, about supporting him when he chose to move down here closer to Caroline.  You also know that I'm happily re-married to the love of my life (as corny as that saying is).  And those who are closest to us know the ins and outs of how it all works.

But sooo many people don't know the whole.  They see parts, hear parts, but they don't live it.  We do.

And I'm just drained with all the people looking in passing their judgement. 

It's.not.your.place.

I make decisions based on what I feel is best for my daughter.  And for all of those who want to make comments and pass judgement on what I decide, get the whole story.  Just because you know one of us and not both, just because you hear one set of things and not both, doesn't mean you know everything all of us have been through.  And there are those who know both and still pass judgement and still make things harder for all involved.

I'm sick of people butting in.  I'm sick of people who have never been through a divorce, let alone one involving a young child trying to "side" with either party.  I can say without a shadow of a doubt that those who know me and what I have to say, have no problem giving me another perspective.  And, big shock, I welcome it.

We don't look to our friends/family to simply support us.  We look to them to help guide us.  I make mistakes.  I always will and I hope that those who truly love me, will take the time to know the whole of what's going on and give me good solid advice.  I don't just want a "yes" man.  But I also have those in my life who play both sides.  For the sheer fun of it.  Or maybe because their jealous.  Who knows.  But what I do know, is that those are the people who cause the biggest problems for Caroline.  And believe me, they don't see it and they refuse to see it.  They are just petty and seek to hurt others.  Me. But, what they can't see is that it's hurting Caroline more.

Maybe one day they will see the damage they have caused.  But more than likely not.  These are the people who are self seeking.  They have no clue how they are affecting Caroline.  And whats worse is that they think they're right. In all things.

I will never.ever. apologize for doing what my daughter tells me she wants.  If you don't like that, then please, please just remove yourself from our lives.

...

I cannot emotionally or physically endure much more of this.  

I have already lost my mom.  I have a sister who lives 3000 miles away and has her own family and life to deal with.  And I have a dad who is about to be 72 and I can't face losing him.  Which is a reality I'm having to face, one that I've been ridiculed for "not acknowledging".  

I sometimes wonder if people ever stop to think what its like to lose your mother at 23?   Never seeing me married, never seeing me carry my only child, never holding that sweet precious baby girl.  And then just 11 quick years later be faced with a dad who's health is steadily declining?

It's not an easy thing to face.  Watching your daddy slowly slip away.  I can't imagine its ever easy.  But after all I've been through, watching my one and only hero slip away is almost unbearable.  And I'm tired of people passing judgement on that too.  

I will smile for that man everyday.  I will act as if nothing has changed.  Why?  Because I can't bear to lose him too.  I will act like he is the same daddy I have always known.  I will spend as much time as I am given with him.  I will cherish each day I get to go to lunch with him and each day I get to hug his sweet neck.  That man has been my hero, my inspiration, my father, my best friend and the only man I've ever cared what their opinion of me was.  And no one can take that from me.

People are absolutely amazing to me.  None of us ever know what someone is facing.   We never know how our words will affect someone or someone's life.  I would have easier days if people just minded their own business.

And maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be breaking down.