50 Shades...of Sadness

I never really thought a set of books or a movie could cause such chaos in our society.  But it clearly has.  Lines have been drawn. People are taking sides.  The biggest arguments are abuse, Christianity, and pleasure.

Lets just stop right there.  I won't even go into all these arguments.  I will however tell you where I stand and what my thoughts are about this movie.

First and foremost I'll be honest.  I read all 3 books.  When I read the first book, I had several friends rave about how amazing it was and how I just had to read it, so I did.  I was so shocked. I read the next two books because I was curious about how any of this nonsense could possibly be someones reality and I had convinced my self I wanted to see Christian Grey change, fall in love and leave the pain behind.

The writing was atrocious.  It was hard for me to understand how this series was a bestseller.  But, I'm a romantic and I got sucked in to wanting them to find true, deep, meaningful love.  I bypassed the crap I was reading and rooted for love.

In the end, they are hopelessly in love. Ha!  Love is not pain.  Or, it shouldn't be.

Love is beautiful and precious and something so magical it takes your breath away.  It isn't pain and torture causing you to be suffocated.  It isn't controlling.  It isn't harmful.  Or, it shouldn't be.

After I read the books, I realized how awful the whole story truly was.

Let me tell you my story.

In 1998 my 6.5 year relationship ended six months before we were married.  I was devastated.  In my sorrow, I met this hunky guy.  I fell hard and fast.  Why?  I was 20, just out of what I thought was my happily ever after and I wanted to be loved.  This hunky guy said all the right things, was smokin' hot, and made me feel loved. 

A few months in, I started getting in trouble for not getting to his house soon enough when I got off work.  I had to cancel plans with my family because he wanted me to spend time with him.  I was expected to be where he wanted me, when he wanted me there.  I was berated if I spent time with my best friend.  I blew all of it off.  I thought he loved me and just acted that way because he wanted to be with me all the time.

Things went on this way for the first year.  I fought with my parents constantly over hunky guy.  They hated everything about this relationship.  They begged me to break it off, and yet I refused.  Of course things just got worse.  When they finally got to the point where things were physically controlling my dad had all of it he could handle and forced me to break it off.  My parents sat me down and opened my eyes to what I refused to see.  I was being controlled and abused.

My mom helped me pack bags, my dad hid my car and we called a friend I knew I could stay with for a while.  I made the call to hunky guy and broke it off.  A few minutes later I was in a car headed to a place he would never find me.  And within 10 minutes hunky guy was circling my house.  Talk about eye opening. 

After a few weeks he quit driving by my parents house and calling me 50 times a day.  But I didn't feel safe for months.  I was completely blind to the fact that I was allowing myself to be controlled and abused.  As pathetic as it was, I truly thought he loved me that much that he couldn't be without me.

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As I closed the third book in the 50 Shades trilogy, I was sad.  Not sad that it was over.  Sad that Anastasia didn't love herself enough to see what was right in front of her eyes.  How horrible it is to be fooled into thinking abuse is love.  To think that you have the ability to change someone so vile.  It was tragic.  Love isn't pain. 

I have no plans to see the movie.  I don't need to see this unfold on the big screen.  Why would anyone want to see someone be abused, tortured and in pain?  I hope people do realize that this isn't some wonderful love story.  That sexual torture doesn't equal love and that nothing justifies this kind of treatment.  Being abused doesn't give you a pass to abuse others.  Anastasia may have been a consenting adult, but even that doesn't make it right or make it love.  It makes me really question our society, people flocking to see abuse justified.  It's just sad.


And if you still fool yourself into thinking this is a love story, imagine your daughter going through this.  Still think it's a love story? 

Mom Struggles: Friendships

I know it seems like all I talk about lately is tweens.  Probably because I have one.  It consumes most of my time.  What I don't talk about is tween mommas.  Let's talk about that today.  Bare with me.

We spend 5 years in elementary school building relationships, with teachers, other mommas, our kids with other kids etc., only to be dumped into a whole new school and start the whole process all.over.again.

What about those other relationships?  What about new relationships?  How do we help our kids navigate through all that and not lose ourselves in the process?  Seems silly, huh?  The struggle is real y'all.

We spent 5th grade in a kind of blur and so far that's how 6th grade is going.  Everything just happened so fast that it truly just took me by surprise.  We went from a tiny school to a huge school and with that a ton of new people for Caroline to meet.  This is a GOOD thing people.  We want our kids to expand their relationships, grow, find themselves, get involved.  Now the BAD part of that is that kids feel a little lost, and so do the mommas.

Let me explain that a little.  When we first build up our kids and support their little friendships, we usually make friends with those mommas.  As the kiddos make new friends, we moms may or may not make new friends.  Why?  Well, it's simple.  We may have friendships that we cherish, we feel fulfilled with those, and don't necessarily care to delve too deeply into making new friendships.  Not that we won't be friends with new moms, but we may not invest as much into it as we did in the past, maybe we will.

After talking to a handful of my momma friends, I realized several things.  Girls see how their moms handle relationships, and they act that out in their little lives.  I also realized that some mommas feel like as their kids grow away from old friendships, they also grow away from previous friendships.  With that these moms feel guilt that their kids aren't friends with other kids anymore and don't quite know how to navigate those momma friendships anymore.

Both of these are fine, what makes both not okay is when people get hurt.  Like I said in my other post, we should be teaching our girls to be better than that.  It's heartbreaking really, to see the moms go through this.  Why?  Because we're not 11/12 and should have a handle on being adults and handling friendships in an adult manner.  We know better.  As mommas, we know our kids will make new friends over the years and that they may grow apart from some friendships.  We also know that with growing up comes growing pains and dealing with other girls that may not always be nice.  But why do we have to deal with these things from moms too?

I don't know. But it makes me sad.

I have a handful of friends that I count on.  All the time.  Women who have been there at my worst, who have come to my rescue in a pinch and who love my kid like their own.  No matter what status our daughters friendship is in, I plan on my friendships staying the same.  I guess that's where the last 2 years have been a bit of a confusing time for me.  Those friendships aren't the same anymore and I just don't know why.  I've distanced myself because of it.  I'm not as involved because it hurts.  Not that these friendships are ruined, or done with, they've just changed.  Hopefully one day it will be different.

That's really the whole point of this post.  Just because our kids aren't close anymore shouldn't have any bearing on our own friendships.  When our kids see this, they think it's okay to do the same and they don't value friendships.  Friendships always change, but that doesn't mean we toss them aside.  We learn to grow in a new capacity and I want to teach that to my tween girl.  I want her to know that her friends no matter how close they are, they matter, they have value.

Love your other momma friends, I promise it'll make our daughters that much more loving to their friends.

Day 1

As the first day of 2015 comes to a close, I'm sitting here, with Caroline cuddled up next to me on the couch, reflecting on the last year.  It was a tough year for us.  Lots of struggles, pain, realizations and also a year of love, joy and hope.

It doesn't ever leave my mind that God has a plan for my family, but during these trials, I often wonder what the heck it is.  Don't we all?  My faith in His plan never waivers, but I struggle with being patient until He reveals his plans to me.  Sometimes it's hard to be patient with His timing.

My plan for this new year is to be patient.  To be open to what His plan is and to embrace it.  That can be a hard thing.  I plan to dig deep and see what he has in store for me, whether that's finding my groove with my photography, or creating or going back into the away from home workforce.  I don't know what's in store for me, but I know I need a change.  And as much as I love being at home full time, I'm ready for what's next.  I'd love nothing more than to stay at home, and continue creating beautiful images, creating things with my hands for people to enjoy and cherish.  Hopefully. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy my time with my crazy girl and cherish the last few days before she goes back to school.  And learn to be patient with a tween.  Hopefully.

Christmas Simplified

It's not a secret that this year has been a trying year for us.  Between family, a hormonal tween, and the ups and downs of the photography biz, it's been well, tough.

As Thanksgiving rolled around I started to think about Christmas. Pulling out the decorations, Christmas cards, presents, gatherings and I just wanted to cry.  In fact, I did.  I thought how in the world I am going to do all that this year?

I'm not.

I realized that I just can't do it.  We don't have the money and I just don't have the desire.  Christmas is about more than all that other stuff, so I'm sort of ditching it this year and focusing on what it's meant to be, the birth of our Savior.

That doesn't mean we won't be with family or go to Christmas parties, it just means that there won't be any big production of buying gifts for everyone, or heck even ourselves.

Instead of the stress I've been under the last few days of  'how am I going to do Christmas this year', I made a decision yesterday that we just weren't doing some huge, crazy expensive Christmas.  We aren't buying for friends or family except for the kids.  If we give to any adults, it'll be handmade and more than likely, so will the kids gifts. 

This year there just isn't any extra money for all of it.  To be honest, hubby and I haven't spent more than $50 on each other for the last 3 years.  We just can't afford it.  And instead of making myself sick over how we're supposed to buy for Caroline and everyone else, we're just not doing it.  And that probably will include Caroline too. 

I love Christmas and I love all the stuff that goes with it.  The decorations, the yummy goodies, the music, the smells, and I truly love giving presents.  But this year, its the bare minimum. 

We'll still bake, on a smaller scale, we'll still decorate.  We'll enjoy each other and focus of the birth of Jesus.  I just can't suffer through another year of trying to make everyone think we have it all.  We don't.  And I'm just so tired of making it look like we do.

I haven't even decorated yet.  We got the tree yesterday.  Instead of a huge noble fir, we got a little 5 foot $18 tree.  And you know what, we love it.  It's just perfect.  It's small and simple, it's just what we wanted.

So to everyone out there trying to figure out how to do it all this year, wondering how you're gonna buy for your kids and everyone else, just do what you can.  Caroline will do without this year and that's ok.  She'll get over it and hopefully have a more memorable Christmas this year.

This is life, real and in your face.  And we're not stressing about it anymore.

Sometimes a Word is Just a Word

The beauty of words is that they have meaning.  Sometimes a word means something different to you than it does to someone else.  Of course each word has its Webster Dictionary meaning, but we all know that sometimes a word is just a word.

I've discovered family is one of those words.  It has many different meanings.  My version is this.

Family is always there. Family supports one another.  Family loves each other.  Family stands together.  Family laughs and cries together.  Family comes together for events, birthdays, celebrations, holidays.  Family is well, family.

Merriam-Webster Version: Family - a group of people who are related to each other.

I've learned, over the last 13 years, that family does not mean the same thing for everyone.  My version apparently doesn't include being related.  I thought it did.  After the last year, with all the ups and downs, it makes me sad to realize that being related isn't a guaranteed part of being a family.

It made me wonder, what is family?  Then I wrote out what family means to me and yep, I never wrote being related.  Why?

Well the answer is simple.  Some of my family is related and some of those I'm related to aren't family at all.  What a heartbreaking discovery, but a life lesson nonetheless.  And one that really has struck me to the core.

You see, whether I like someone or not, if they're related to me, I've always considered them my family.  No matter the distance, no matter how well I know them, I've considered them my family.  Maybe I shouldn't have ever done that, but it's the way I was raised and it's what I did.  I've learned that these family members don't feel the same way, and that's ok.  Now I know, and I'll guard my heart accordingly.

As we head into the Christmas Season, there will be lots of family gatherings.  My only advice to anyone is this: love you're family, related or not.  And if that same love isn't returned, it's their loss.  No point in crying over someone who doesn't care about you in the first place.  But for those who I consider my family, I love you and can't wait to spend the holidays with you.

*there are many of those who are family who aren't included in this collage,

I couldn't include them all*

10 Things My Mother Taught Me

1. You Catch More Fly's with Honey than with Vinegar

Seriously.  Truth.  Not that many of us want to catch fly's, unless it's summer in Texas, and they're flying around your outdoor BBQ.  Really though, if we put a sour attitude out no one will want to be around us.  Try smiling at a stranger in the grocery store, you'll be surprised how much just a little gesture like that can do for your mood and those you interact with.

2. Never leave the House without Mascara and Lip gloss

My mom always made me go back in the house and put in mascara if I didn't already have it on.  Now this may seem mean or like my mom put too much emphasis on physical beauty, but that's simply not true.  My mom always thought I was beautiful with no make-up.  Her lesson was more along the lines of freshen up your face so you look bright and happy.  And it's true.  Try it.  I'm not an everyday make-up girl.  But let me tell you, the difference in my face with just a swipe of mascara and a little gloss is amazing.  It certainly doesn't make me beautiful, it does make me feel like I'm put together.  

No, my kid does not actually leave the house like this.

This was a mommy daughter date, totally different.

3.  Family Matters

Always.  Family's are tricky, I know.  We all have some sort of crazy in our families, no family is perfect.  But your family is your building block whether you have a great family life or a horrible family life. Your family matters.  Treat them with love and understanding.  Be there.  One day, they'll all be gone.  Take care with what you say and how you treat them.  And they should do the same although, that's not always the case.  Remember words and actions hurt, and sometimes you can't come back from those hurtful things.  God blessed us with this group of crazies for better or worse, make the most of your family.  They matter.
 

4.  Always Take Care of Your Nails

Next time you're at the grocery store check out, look at your cashier's hands.  Impressed? Grossed out?  My momma always told me that based on someone's fingers and toes, you can tell alot about their hygiene. So far, that's true.  That doesn't mean that you have to have long perfectly polished nails.  What it means is, if you can see a line of funk under someone's nails, what else are they not cleaning? Eeek!  And this goes for toes too...this was taken in line at the grocery store.  Would you want to go to his house for a lunch date?

5.  Know How to Cook

My mom was a fantastic cook.  I can't remember anything not being yummy.  It was important to her that she have a hot meal for us everyday, and not always prepared by her.  We took turns.  We each had a night that we were responsible for dinner.  From a very young age she had my sister and I cooking dinner.  Mom was old school, everything from scratch, so that's how I learned.  No boxes or jars, which can be super time consuming.  What I realized, is that she gave me a little edge on creativity.  I can always through something together without stressing that I don't have what the box says.  Which, don't get me wrong, however you choose to cook is up to you.  Just cook.  Its better than wasting a ton of money eating out all the time.  Even if you don't cook a lot, at least know how to cook a meal every once in a while.

6.  Always write a Thank You Note

 Like Always.  Telling someone thank you is essential.  No, not in a life or death type of way, but in a that really meant a lot to me, thank you, kind of way.  It's important, it lets us know we did something that mattered in your eyes.  I'm not saying for every time your hubby, friends or mom send you flowers a note is required, you'll know when you should take the time to write one.  Like Nike says, Just Do It.

7. Volunteer

Whether its for the PTA, church, or a local charity give a little of your time when it's needed.  Everyone is busy.  Everyone has a million things on their to do list and never enough time.  Find time to give back.  Just like we're all busy, we all need some help every now and then.  Get your children involved, teach them that helping others no matter how small that help is, it's helping when someone is in need.

8.  A Woman Should Always have a Signature Scent

I've talked about this before.  It seems silly to some, a little dated, but trust me on this one.  Think about your grandmother, a teacher, a friends mom.  What reminds you of that person?  Every time I smell L'Air du Temps I think of my sweet momma.  When I smell Chanel No.5 I think of one of her dear friends Miss Sandra.  When I smell eucalyptus I think of my mom's other dear friend Janet.  All 3 smells bring me the best memories of 3 amazing women who I love dearly.  

9.  Wear Clothes that Fit Your Body

I can't stress this enough.  Seriously.  I went through the normal teen girl phase where I thought I was as bis as a whale and I dressed like it.  When I finally put on clothes that were the correct size...wowzers, huge difference in the way I looked and the way I felt about my body.  Having the right fit makes such an impact on self image.  

10.  Love Unconditionally

Even when it's hard.