To My Caroline

On our way to church this morning, as we were talking, it took my breath away to listen to you.

Sometimes I feel like we forget how little you really are.  You've always been brilliant, spoken in a way that makes you years older than you really are.  And I think we forget.  You truly understand the things we say.  You comprehend so much more than people expect.

Being an only child you've been treated a little more grown-up than most of your friends, and that's okay.  But, I wonder.  Did we take away a little innocence because we spoke to you like an adult? 

Listening to you tell me about not getting to see a friend made me sad.  Things are different when you're at your father's house.  And it made me sad to hear you were sad that you didn't get to play.  It made me sad to hear you tell me that ugly things were said. 

I tried to explain it the best I could.  I hope I handled it better than what was said in front of you.

I hope that I made it easy for you to understand that it's not okay to talk to you about those things.  We've talked before about how your Tabby and I really try not to say hurtful things about your father and his wife in front of you.  And that's hard.  Sometimes when talking to you it's hard not to let the anger get the best of us and say ugly things.  But we try.

I struggle everyday sweet girl.  I pray that I handle parenthood with a 2nd set of parents in a way that's not harmful or negative.

I know how much you'd love for us to all be together and have family times together.  I wish we could give that to you.  At one point we could.  And it makes me sad that things have changed and you are affected. 

I want you to know that I thought my choices would be good for you.  I didn't want to take you away from your father.  I hoped giving you extra days with him would be what you wanted.

And after today, I don't think it is.  I'm heartbroken because of the way you feel.  I never want my little girl to have so much resentment.  And I cry trying to figure out the best way to handle it all.

I want happiness for you.  And at the heart of it, you are happy.  But it's the back and forth that takes its toll.  How do I help you with that?

I wish I had all the answers.  I wish this co-parenting thing was easier.

I hope that you always feel that you can talk to me about how you feel.

I want to make this easier on you.  I want this to be a good thing for you.

I don't want you to feel like you have to protect mine or your father's feelings because your feeling's are the most important.

Our job is to make sure you feel loved every second of every day.  Not to feel torn.  Not to feel like you are a burden.

Not to feel like your in the way.

Because none of those things are true.

I love you every second of every day.  I'm blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be your momma.

I love our days.  I love your belly laugh.  I love your chubby little toes.

And I love that I'm your momma and your my little girl.  That I get to love on you and show you all the good in the world.  That I get to watch you grow in so many ways.

And I don't ever want you to forget that.

I love you more.  More than all the stars in the sky.  More than anything.

I love you.

Doctors Say the Darndest Things

Moms have a really tough job...but you probably already knew that. I've always known it too, but it has become glaringly apparent lately. There's a lot of things I remember from my childhood, the way my parents did things, the things I did, so forth and so on. But I seem to have forgotten a few things!

About 5 days ago, Boog was in the tub, and I was folding laundry {gasp!} in the living room. She calls for me to come in there. When I get in there, she says something that 1) made me want to pee in my pants, and 2) shocked me speechless.

"Mommy, my nipple hurts."

Dead silence from me, while I decide whether I'm going to pee in my pants laughing, or ask her to repeat herself because surely I have misunderstood her.

"Mommy, did you hear what I said?"

"Ummm....yea. But what do you mean it hurts?"

"There's a bump under it and it HURTS!"

"Okay baby, let me see."

At this point I am now looking her over trying to see if there is anything visible...nope. So I ask her if it itches, thinking maybe she has an insect bite or something. Nope. So basically, I just tell her to leave it alone and maybe it will go away. No such luck. Everyday since she has continued to tell me that it hurts. She then asks when I'm going to take her to the doctor. At this point, I notice it is slightly pinker than the other one. Great....what now?

I watch, I wait and I try my best to ignore that she has a knot under her, you know nipple. That just sounds so wrong.

Yesterday morning she was really begging me to call the doctor. I honest to God was doing my best to avoid this! I mean what do you say to the receptionist when she asks what the visit is for? "Ummm, well, you see my 6 year old daughter has a knot under her nipple?" I decide to call. But I'll be honest with y'all...I lied to the receptionist. Yep I did! I wanted to have her ears checked because she keeps saying "huh" all the time, so I just used that as my reason. I just couldn't bring myself to say the other. It just sounds so ridiculous.

When the doctor walked in this afternoon and asked what the visit was about, I told him about her ears, and then the other thing. He immediately smiles and starts to laugh! Great, he thinks I'm crazy! He takes a quick look and then continues to laugh! I am mortified. I can never show my face here again. Then he said the darndest thing..."we see this all the time". Huh? Not what I was expecting to hear! He then proceeds to tell me that she has a breast bud. Yea, that's right, a breast bud. Now this is definitely not something that I remember from my childhood. "This is completely normal for her age"...what? What rock do I live under that I have never heard of this? He explained it all to me, and told me not to worry that she shouldn't get any "boobs" for years to come. It's just her little body getting started. I think he gave me a mini heart attack.



But now I want to know, from all of you, if any of you have experienced this as moms. She's 6 for goodness sakes! Have any of you moms gone through this with your daughters? Do you remember going through this yourself?

It's only hair after all....

Every now and then I get tired of my long locks and I decide to cut them....this was the case yesterday. Now I know, many of you prefer me with my long hair {Michelle, if you read this before I call you, I'm sorry!} Trust me, my usually sweet hubby, wasn't so sweet last night! Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Surprise Honey!

Tab: Ugggghhhhhh

Me: I love you honey, it'll grow back!

Tab: Uh-huh

So, if you don't like it, so what! Just don't say anything!


The Old Hair

The New Hair {my hair is naturally curly}