To My Caroline

On our way to church this morning, as we were talking, it took my breath away to listen to you.

Sometimes I feel like we forget how little you really are.  You've always been brilliant, spoken in a way that makes you years older than you really are.  And I think we forget.  You truly understand the things we say.  You comprehend so much more than people expect.

Being an only child you've been treated a little more grown-up than most of your friends, and that's okay.  But, I wonder.  Did we take away a little innocence because we spoke to you like an adult? 

Listening to you tell me about not getting to see a friend made me sad.  Things are different when you're at your father's house.  And it made me sad to hear you were sad that you didn't get to play.  It made me sad to hear you tell me that ugly things were said. 

I tried to explain it the best I could.  I hope I handled it better than what was said in front of you.

I hope that I made it easy for you to understand that it's not okay to talk to you about those things.  We've talked before about how your Tabby and I really try not to say hurtful things about your father and his wife in front of you.  And that's hard.  Sometimes when talking to you it's hard not to let the anger get the best of us and say ugly things.  But we try.

I struggle everyday sweet girl.  I pray that I handle parenthood with a 2nd set of parents in a way that's not harmful or negative.

I know how much you'd love for us to all be together and have family times together.  I wish we could give that to you.  At one point we could.  And it makes me sad that things have changed and you are affected. 

I want you to know that I thought my choices would be good for you.  I didn't want to take you away from your father.  I hoped giving you extra days with him would be what you wanted.

And after today, I don't think it is.  I'm heartbroken because of the way you feel.  I never want my little girl to have so much resentment.  And I cry trying to figure out the best way to handle it all.

I want happiness for you.  And at the heart of it, you are happy.  But it's the back and forth that takes its toll.  How do I help you with that?

I wish I had all the answers.  I wish this co-parenting thing was easier.

I hope that you always feel that you can talk to me about how you feel.

I want to make this easier on you.  I want this to be a good thing for you.

I don't want you to feel like you have to protect mine or your father's feelings because your feeling's are the most important.

Our job is to make sure you feel loved every second of every day.  Not to feel torn.  Not to feel like you are a burden.

Not to feel like your in the way.

Because none of those things are true.

I love you every second of every day.  I'm blessed beyond measure that God chose me to be your momma.

I love our days.  I love your belly laugh.  I love your chubby little toes.

And I love that I'm your momma and your my little girl.  That I get to love on you and show you all the good in the world.  That I get to watch you grow in so many ways.

And I don't ever want you to forget that.

I love you more.  More than all the stars in the sky.  More than anything.

I love you.