70th...

Today would be your 70th birthday.  Today I cried big fat tears.  Today I miss you just as much, if not more than I did 9 years ago.  9 years ago today we gathered with your friends and laid you to rest. 

I thought I would get through today okay, but I just couldn't.  As the day went on, I knew I couldn't just ignore it anymore.  I figured the only thing to do was to write it all down.  How much I miss you, how much I want to just talk to you.  How when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago I cried on Tab's shoulder for you to be there because I just wanted my mommy.  I look at Caroline and I just think of all the love you would have for her.  She is a handful, and I'm sure you look down and just laugh at times.  I know I laugh.

Sometimes I just can't grasp that you've been gone for so many years, and then at times it seems like it was yesterday.  I miss being in the kitchen and sitting in the counter while you cooked.  Or sitting in the couch with my head in your lap while you played with my hair.  I miss watching you take care of Olivia and loving her so much.  I know you would have done all those things for Caroline too.  When I'm up at her school or doing homework with her I think about you, and how much you loved teaching children.  I still can't hear 'Jesus Loves the Little Children' without thinking of you and crying.  I can't hear 'Amazing Grace'. 

Each year when Janet comes to have dad do her taxes it takes everything I have not to cry for both of you and the friendship you shared.  You touched so many lives in your 60 years, I can't imagine the lives you would have touched if you were still here.

I know better than anyone else what a spitfire you could be, we shared many a heated argument during your 23 years with me.  I look back to the few months we had before you were gone, and you did so much to protect me, and yes, we argued about that too!  I remember laying on the bed with you for the last time and crying and telling you how I was feeling.  And you understood how I felt, but you still tried to protect me.

I miss the late night talks when I would get home.  You sitting on the couch and me in the wingback chair across from you.  I miss those nights.  I miss cooking Thanksgiving dinner with you, and having the Macy's Day Parade on all morning while we cooked.  I miss decorating for Christmas and blaring Christmas music while we got everything all done. 

I know I'll Never forget any of it, but even though I have those memories, I still wish I had you here.