Trying Times

There is no need to go on and on about the troubles in the world today. But what I think about are the personal battles we all face. My heart has been hurting for so many families lately. And then, when I stop to think about my own battles, I feel a little ashamed. Ashamed that I would be worried about something, when there are so many others who have children fighting for their lives.

But then...when I'm praying, I tell God that, I too need his loving arms. I have trying times too. Me and my family have battles too.

I have been sick over everything that has happened with Tab being in the hospital, and mostly sick over Caroline and her diagnosis of ITP - Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Perpura, which is listed as a rare blood disease.

I have been praying day and night for families that I only know of through other people or blogs {which is just as good as really knowing them}, and I pour my heart out to Him gladly on their behalf. I wouldn't change any of it. I just feel for these people, whatever their prayer requests are, I feel for them.

I don't know exactly why I am feeling so mushy today, but I am. I feel like I am in the midst of trying times. I feel like He is testing me. I feel like I'm sinking. The only thing that keeps my head above the water is that I know He has a plan for me and my family. Sometimes, I do want to just yell, "God, would you hurry up!" I feel like I'm just waiting and waiting for the plan to be revealed, which I am waiting for it, I just seem to be impatient these days!

One thing I have briefly touched on in a few posts is our trying to have a baby. This is one of the things I feel like I am struggling with right now. I've said, and still believe, that whatever God's plan is for another child, I'll be okay. I so badly want another child. And I have touched on the fact the we have to do infertility treatments, so its a struggle from the start.

Some days, I just feel hopeless. Infertility treatments are just so costly, and I feel as though we have reached the end of our rope. I refuse to put us in a less favorable position so that we can try to have a baby. And what stinks is that we are not opposed to other options, like adoption...remember I'm adopted. But have you checked the cost of that lately? Who would have thought you would have to pay in upwards of 20k to give a child a loving home? Sure, let me just pull out my handy dandy savings account and make that withdrawl right quick.

I also have some anger. Anger that it can't just be simpler.

I was jokingly talking to my parents and sister yesterday at lunch, and said that I am thinking about just putting a flyer out on the campus for some donors. I said, I could give them a hundred bucks for a cup, and that would still be cheaper! I really wouldn't do this, husband would kill me! But, how sad is it that I pay more for the donor's goods {ahem} than I do to have the procedure done?

Sorry that I'm all over the place with this post.

Sometimes I think we just get overwhelmed in life, and I know when I get that way, I jump from one topic to the next, usually without taking a breath :)

Let me end with this one little tidbit. Please don't think that I don't have a calmness about His plans for us, because I do. Even if it's not His will for us to have a baby, I am okay with that. Why, how? Because He has already blessed me. We have Caroline. I can live out the rest of my time here knowing she was my gift from God.