What a Whirlwind

In the last week I truly thought I would be driving from hospital to hospital seeing the 2 people I love the most. I never got time to "lose it", "break down" or really deal with how I was feeling. Oh sure, I cried when they admitted hubby to the hospital, and I cried when I got the call from her pedi that her counts were really low, and I cried later on the night we saw the hematologist and she told me her count was a 2.

I'm good in a crisis. Very levelheaded, competent, and I deal really well with them. Now had Caroline been puking...she would have been on her own. I don't do puke. Ever. But when there is blood, bone, or other yucky things, I'm your girl. But it seems I just never get to deal with how I'm feeling. I do eventually, just not when said crisis happens. I can't be the one to break down in front of Caroline. I can't let her know I'm scared, because then, the person she looks to the most would scare the fire out of her.

On night 2 of hubby's hospital stay {the same day Caroline's count was a 2} I asked the nurse if she had any Xanax. Yes, I really asked. I was joking, but if she had appeared moments later with meds in hand, I would have gladly accepted them. At that point, I had only had 8 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. I was exhuasted...physically, mentally, and emotionally exhuasted. I finally let go a little then, I cried when I called my best friend Michelle, and told her that if it was anything worse then ITP I needed her. I wouldn't be able to do it without her.

Friday night when we finally got hubby home, I felt slightly better. I had begun my extreme cleaning of all things belonging to husband {lots of bleach}, and to get mine, his and Caroline's things ready for her hospital stay in a few days time. Finally, Sunday evening, I have gotten everything cleaned, packed, tended to, and ready to go for our week in another hospital. That night as hubby and I lay in bed {well, I was sitting, I just couldn't lay down yet}, I finally let myself cry and cry.

For a few moments, I felt so inadequate as a wife and mother. But mostly as a mother. Something I'm not sure if I've ever shared before is that I'm adopted. And beyond being adopted, I have never had the desire to know about my birth parents, their medical histories, their stories period. I have been blessed. Blessed with the best parents a kid could ask for, health, and an easy pregnancy. I never felt the need to get any info, and even I did want it, I couldn't get it. My adoption was not a typical adoption...even for the late 70's. Completely closed adoption. Just the lawyers. With strict boundaries such as my birth parents medical history. Heck, my birth father never even knew about me.

back to my point...

I sat there that night and cried because I had no clue as to what could be in Caroline's future. The doctors had asked me so many medical history questions, and as her dad and I sat there, I couldn't answer a single one.

"Is there any history of blood disease or Luekemia?"
"I'm adopted, I don't know."

I felt like I had somehow failed my beautiful little girl. Now, I'm not having a pity party, but at that moment, even though there was nothing I could have done or known, I felt like I failed her. I cried for her that night, and went to sleep praying over her sweet soul, that He would heal her.

The next morning of course, we are loading the car, getting last minute details sorted, and hitting the road. I have a peace about the whole thing by this point. We have chosen the best treatment option for her, and feel a peace about what we are about to endure.

When we get there, we are all a little sad, and Caroline makes me hold her the whole time {happy to oblige!}, and we wait. They put the IV in, pull out two vials of blood, and tell us they will be back soon to put us in our room. Next thing we know, we are out the door, skipping to the car, and talking about all the playing she gets to do when she gets home. She is healed.

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Most of the rest of Monday was fun for us, watching her expend all that pent up 6 yr. old energy! But then I kept thinking, I still have so much to do. Unpack, make more follow-up appointments, go to the grocery store, talk to her school, set-up a place for her to go for spring break. Blah Blah Blah. I'll take the Blahs, what a whirlwind!


Here are some pictures of Caroline playing Wii bowling once we got home, she was so happy!







And this is what was sitting in our living room when we got home. My parents dropped it off for her. She loves this stinking bear. It has become her bed!