Unfiltered

I have come to realize that my blog has been more of a venting place for me as of late, and tonight your getting me unfiltered.

I try to always keep my composure in any given situation.  I think we all do, or at least I hope we do. I constantly struggle with being the "bigger" person.  After all, that's the way my momma raised me.  But my daddy taught me to stand up for myself and what I believe in.  So some days I'm completely composed and other days it's no holds barred. 

Today is the latter.

I've lost my composure for the night.

I'm tired of dealing with mean mommies.  I'm tired of constantly being the topic of their conversation.  Of course, they say I'm the last thing on their minds, but people talk and they should watch who they talk to, because eventually it all gets back around.  And when your name is mentioned over and over, then yes, that makes me the topic of your conversation.  I'd like to say it doesn't bother me, but hello, I'm human.  It hurts.  Which is what they intend anyway when they say hateful things.

But more than the mean mommies, it hurts more to deal with an ex-spouse who's hateful.  Because that, my friends doesn't hurt just me, it hurts my kid.  Now I'm not gonna sit up on my high horse and act like I haven't said things in front of my daughter, which is wrong, but my actions speak far louder than my words ever do.

Facebook is a wonderful thing at times, and then others use it as their podium to bash and trash people.  Good grief, pick up the phone and bash me but don't be the jerk and put it on FB.  How little of you.  If you know me on FB, then you know I will not bash people on there. I occasionally get a little huffy, but not in hurtful or lying ways.  I'm more of a in your face type of girl if something really bothers me.

It's a tough road dealing with divorce and new spouses, new step-parents, new lives.  But those of us who attempt to treat things with care reap far greater benefits for our kids.  We've been down a long road.  And for the most part, things are decent.  But then there are the days that I want to slap people.  Is is too much to ask that my daughter gets to school on time?  That she makes it to her soccer games with time to warm up, not 10 minutes before kick-off?  Is it too much to ask that she goes to a birthday party she was invited to?  Or that something is bought solely for her at the school carnival and not for yourself? Or that she's allowed to go to the church she chose to join?

I really thought things would be different.  And let me be honest, I've had my hateful moments.  But I've never not put her first.  I've never kept her from her dad, heck I even give him 1 night every week I don't have to and on his weekend he gets another night I don't have to allow.  But I do it for Caroline.  Because even though I'd love to keep her all to myself, she needs time with him too.

I'm bitter.  I'm bitter because I know how much her dad loves her, but he doesn't put her first.

I'm the mom that truly lives for my child.  Mine and the hubby's life revolve around her and her schedule.  She always comes first.  I wouldn't have married him if he expected it to be any different.  I know not every parent feels the same way we do, and that's okay.  But it makes it hard for me to watch her other set of parents choose differently.  We choose not to make plans to go out without her, we make plans on the weekends we don't have her.  I guess what bothers me the most about the weekends is that she only gets to be with her friends on my weekends.  It's not okay for him to give up his time for her to go to a birthday party, spend the night with a friend, go to church with us...but I have to, but that's okay because I have her all week?  Right.  Because after homework, soccer practice, I get a whole hour with her before bath time and an 8:30 bedtime.

We're parents.  We do for our kids.  We take them places and let them make friends despite our time with them.  That's what we do.  We put their needs first.  Period.  At least that's the way it works for me.

I'm just tired of the constant competition, who has what, who's trying to be like someone else.  Well, I can tell you, you can try, but you'll never be me.  I'm one of a kind.  Find your own way in this life.  I have.  And that is directed at many people.

I'm an over the top mom because I have one kid and I can be.  I'm over the top because my kid loves it, she is so proud of the things I can make and the things I do for her.  It's not a competition between other moms.  It's something that makes my little girl giggle and dance.  I do it for her and her only.  I do it to see the way she lights up when I pull off the impossible poodle skirt that has to be made in less than 10 hours (with time to sleep) and ready for school the next morning.  I do it because I may not have her on a certain holiday and I wanted her desk at school to be decorated just for her, so that she knows I didn't miss a single one of her favorite things.

I do it because she is my whole world.  I parent her the way I do because she is my everything.  I volunteer on the PTA so that I can give her the best years of elementary school possible.  I do it because I want her to have everything her heart desires, within reason of course.  I do it because I want her to make friends.  I do it because I want her to have every opportunity possible.  I do it from my heart and I do it with pure love.

So if you choose to bash me, talk about me, copy me, then I'll choose to take it as a compliment.  Because at the end of the day, I know its just other people's insecurities that cause them to act the way they do.  I don't need to be like anyone else, because my daughter, my husband, they love me for who I already am.




*****Bring on the backlash, I know it's coming*****