It's Been Awhile...

It's been a few days, errr, months since I last posted.  It's been busy 'round here.  I had forgotten how time consuming it is to work full time, raise a kid, be a wife, and run a household.  Not to mention running a business too.

ex.haus.ting.

So, here I am trying to catch my breath, post a few memories and talk about things that I believe in.  We'll see how long my attention span is.

Apparently not very long.  Ive already taken a break to watch a few minutes of RHOA.  I'm a trash TV addict.

So here are the highlights of the last few months:

- Caroline is officially a teenager.  Yep, the big 1-3.  Pray for me, please.  We had cake in the back of the car, because we're cool like that.

- Caroline was selected to participate in Duke University's Talent Search and take the SAT/ACT in the 7th grade.

- We finally went to the Silos.  Yes, that would be the Magnolia Silos.  We happen to live down the road from Chip & Joanna {from Fixer Upper}, like literally, less than a mile away.  So we waited quite a while to go visit the new shop, let some of the crazy die down.

- We had a great Christmas and Christmas Break.

- I've worked a million hours.  No, I haven't, but Tab has averaged about 70 hours a week since June, but that should count for me too.  Really, it should.  I have to  pick up all the slack and basically be a single parent.

- We didn't win the Poweball.  Who am I kidding, you have to actually buy tickets to win that stuff, or to think you actually have a shot at winning that stuff.

- I hurt my upper back. Yay me.

- Texas finally got below 80 degrees.

- I still have my Christmas Decor up.  Don't judge. 

Basically, life is par for the course around here.  We just keep on going, day by day, moment by moment.  I still don't answer the phone, or call anyone.  I can't help it.  Just accept it and move on.  Caroline on the other hand can talk on the phone for hours.  Go figure.  Shiner is still the cutest dog on the planet, and we have a new fur baby, Red.  Yep, I just can't help myself.  But, Red was Tab approved!  He's a Red Heeler and so so sweet, but still young and slightly destructive.  We're working on it.

Check back soon, if you're bored.  I may post again soon.

An Open Letter...

...to those who think they can judge me, to those who think I'm not doing enough, and those who are flat out mean.

I'm tired.  Tired of dealing with passive aggressive people and their nonsense Facebook posts.  Tired of dealing with people who think I snub them.  Tired of people who think that my time is better spent doing what they think I should be doing.

I am doing exactly what I need and should be doing.  I'm a wife, mother, full time worker {away from home}, small business owner {after my full time job}, car pool driver, volunteer, daughter, sister and friend.  And yes,  those are listed in order of priority at the moment.  I have no free time.  None.

I have nothing left to give.  I can barely attend to the first 5 things on my list right now, and I'm done being berated for not being able to do it all.  I don't call anyone, unless it has to do with my husband, my kid or my jobs.  I.just.can't.

For the last 4 years, I didn't work outside the home.  I had plenty of time to chat on the phone, run errands, have lunch with family or friends, volunteer more...and why?  Because I wasn't tied down to a 40 hour a week job and I had that 40 hours a week to maintain my household.  Times have changed.

Let me give you a glimpse into my day.

5am wake up. Get things ready for the morning. Shower.
6am wake up Caroline.  Dry hair.  Get dressed.
6:30am make sure the animals are fed.  Which means wrangling Caroline to get outside and deal with Grover the Goat. Leave for work.
7am-4pm JOB/make sure Caroline's ride has picked her up
4:30pm Get home and start dinner/laundry/homework/taxi service
5:30pm Eat/laundry/mop/vacuum/general house things/taxi service
6:30pm Make sure someone is at home to take care of Grover's nightly exercise/feeding
7:30pm If tab is actually home this early, take an hour to focus on my husband
8:30pm Finish up helping/checking Caroline's homework/return client calls/emails/texts/FB messages
9:30pm Tuck Caroline into bed. Start editing/designing/painting orders
11pm Hopefully, maybe, cross my fingers I'm climbing into bed

There are days I work from 6-3 or 8-5 {which are the mornings I drive carpool}, 9-6 or 12-9pm.
Throw in the days I have meetings, photo shoots, school activities, etc.  Most days I'm not home before 6pm, so that above schedule is shifted around to accommodate my day.

I have nothing left to give. 

Most nights, I don't spend any time with my husband because he isn't home until late.  I use that time to take care of things around our house/yard, grocery shop, run errands, promote my business, plan out our days, pay bills etc.  My "weekends" are mine.  For the 1st time in over a month we had a free weekend.  We went to dinner with family and the next night we took Caroline to play mini golf.  I almost always work Sundays from lunch till 7pm.  My "weekends" can be whatever day I'm scheduled off.  And guess what, they are my time.  I have to have a day or 2 to take care of all the things that can't be done during my work days.  That includes Dr. appointments for me or Caroline, dentist, orthodontist, oil changes, car washes, grocery shopping, errands I need to run for my husband, banking, photo shoots, and if I can fit in time for my family and friends woo hoo!  But that last part, the part that many people judge me for, it doesn't happen often.  People don't get called, people don't see me.

I'm sorry for that.  I wish there were more hours in the day.  I haven't talked to my lifelong best friend on the phone in a month.  I haven't had lunch with my dad in months.  I haven't hung out with my best friend that lives 5 miles from me in over a month.

And guess what?  That's ok.

I can't and won't bend my life or that of my husband and kid to make everyone else happy.  If I have free time to chat, I call.  If I/we have time to go to dinner/lunch/hang out we are thrilled to do that. I'm a planner, if I have notice of plans, I write it in my calendar and have made time for that.   I can't do spur of the moment things right now or even 2-3 days out.  And sometimes, I have to cancel things because there's just too many prior commitments.

There are so many people and things that are important to me and I want to do it all and spend time with everyone, but right now, this is my reality.  I have to say no to things, I can't afford it or I don't have time.

My minutes are precious right now in this season of life, and I am not perfect. But please, please stop being rude, passive aggressive, hateful, or gossipy about my life.  And if replacing me so you can have someone to fill the void I've left is what you really want to do, that's fine too.  I don't have time to play games with people, I don't have the strength to fight for my place in anyone's life anymore.  The people who respect that my life is busy are the ones who love me the most.  They're the ones who realize we haven't talked in 2-3 weeks and they call me and say, " been busy huh? That's ok, I still love you".  They don't make ugly comments, they have an understanding heart.  They too, are busy with their kids and their spouses.  They get it.  Most of them have husbands that are home by 5 or 6 in the evening that can help with the million chores/activities that happen each week.  I don't.

And I just can't handle the hurt anymore.   I don't have the energy, and most of all I don't have the time.

Guest Blogging

Happy Monday Friends!

I'm Guest Blogging over at Hanging with the Huie's today!  Stop by to hear me talk about Mommy Truths.  And then stick around a little while, look around and meet Kendra!  She's super sweet and fun and I know you'll love reading about her precious family!

Here's a little pic of us yesterday, trying to get a good pic for Mother's Day...Shiner just couldn't stand that he wasn't in the pic, so he made his presence known, ha!

 

Have a great week!

Can School Just be Over Already?

This time of year parents everywhere start counting down the days till summer break starts.  41.  We see the light at the end of the tunnel and we jump for joy.

We're in Texas, and as soon as our kids have taken the dreaded and ridiculous STAAR test, that's it, we're done.  We have nothing left to give.  These are the days I wish I was patient enough to homeschool, when we could take our time and enjoy the last part of the school year.  But alas, I'm stuck in public school hell.

The end of the year brings nine million activities, events, programs, field trips and a plethora of parent participation.  No.  Just no.  I have nothing left to give.  You have worn me down and broken me.

My calendar is overflowing with end of the year crap and I just want to say 'no'.  But I can't, because then I would be the bad mom {even though all of you are thinking the same thing}.  So, I'll be there, with some sort of semblance of being put together.  Probably with my hair in a top knot because at this point in the year I could care less, I just want it to be over.  I make no promises of getting things turned in, my mind has left the land of due dates and timelines and is dreaming of the beach and summer getaways.

I still can't figure out why it's this way every year.  I mean Spring Break wasn't even 2 months ago.  So why, why is it that every April I want to throw in the towel?  And the worst part...it only gets worse the older they get.  More activities, more things they have to fill out, more homework.  I can't.

I'm with you parents.  We will get through this.  And hopefully, my being over it will not be a direct reflection on the student my child aims to be, because bless her, she adores school.  But she does hate homework.

Spring Break Wrap-up

The week that kids and teachers everywhere pray for...for real.  We never look at Spring Break as a huge "trip" week, but more like a lay around and do nothing week.

Sure, we make tentative plans of things we want to do but we really don't make a huge thing out of spring break.  I blame it on my mom.  She never, and I mean never ever traveled.  I never took a single trip with her because she had a crazy fear of traveling anywhere.  Spring break was just another week.

We just planned on being together, going to the zoo, seeing a few movies, and well, just spending time as a family.  Our week did not start as planned. 

First of all, who in their right mind came up with Daylight Savings?  I want my hour back!!!  This is no way to start Spring Break.

Sunday was our family day since Tab had to work all week, we planned the zoo.  Fail.  Caroline woke up sounding like she could be in the frog exhibit.  Couch day for the Murry's.

We did get to enjoy some great outside time the rest of the week.  We went to the movies with family and then had a mommy/daughter date to see Cinderella on Friday, which I highly recommend.  So lovely and well done.  Caroline spent several days with friends and tried to pull an all nighter at a slumber party.

Of course I also like to use my kiddo to her full advantage.  Window cleaning it was.  I mean, who doesn't want help with 70+ panes of glass?  I literally said ugly things in my head about these stinking double paned windows.  Why oh why would anyone subject themselves to this torture called "storm windows"?  Because it's Texas and we have tornadoes.  And it's supposed to keep my family safe.

We spent all day Saturday outside cleaning up our land, working on the porch and cleaning windows.  Even though we were done done done with all of it, we loved finally being outside.  Being together was the best part.  We played with the dogs, had a small water fight.  Pulled the truck up, rolled the windows down and blared the music just a little too loud.  We ate guacamole and chips on the front porch and fed the dogs pecans.

Since Caroline was at her cousins for a birthday end of spring break sleepover, we used our time wisely.  We watched movies all night and did nothing, well, I painted my nails. 

Facing the Tough Things

Almost 14 years ago I faced the hardest thing I've ever had to face, my mother dying.  As I sit hear now, I almost can't utter the words I need to say. A truth I have to face yet again.  My daddy is sick.  Very sick.

We don't truly know what's wrong, the doctors say it's Alzheimer's, but we'll never really know.  He medically looks just fine, every test coming back mostly positive.  But he's anything but fine.  He can barely walk, falling often.  He's confused, forgetful and sometimes not present at all.

It's the most heartbreaking thing to watch a man that has been your everything, fall to pieces.  It's almost more than I can bare.

For that last several years, I've had weekly lunches with him which I will always treasure.  Now I spend 2 days a week taking him to lunch and helping out however I can.  It's hardest on my step-mother, Mary Lou.  She bares the brunt of his illness and I try to help both of them with what they need.

The reality of it all set in a few weeks ago when we had to get him a hospital bed for the living room.  It seems like each day I watch him slip away, losing more of himself slowly but surely.  It breaks me.

This man.  This man who has always loved me, stood by me, supported me, has been there for me, scolded me when I needed it most.  He's slipping away.  I don't know how to process that.  How could I possibly put into words everything he means to me?  How much I love him?  I don't think I ever can.

He taught me to ride a bike.  He taught me to fish.  He taught me to drive a stick shift.  He tried to teach me to whistle, I never could get that one down.  He taught me that I should never settle for a boy that didn't love and adore me.  He taught me to love Jesus.  He never missed a single dance recital, tennis match or football game that I performed in.  He taught me to love photography and that you can have too many pictures of flowers.  He taught me to grill.  He taught me to always stand up for myself.  He taught me to waltz.

He taught me what a father's love meant.


I spend my nights worried, panicked that I'll get a call he's not okay.  I hold back tears every time I'm with him.  I fear the day he truly doesn't know who I am.  And then I fear that he'll be gone before that day gets here.  Some days I curl up on the couch after being with him and just cry.  Today was one of those days.

I worry that I wasn't enough for him.  That I didn't make him proud.  That I let him down.  A few weeks ago as he was lying on his bed while I put on his socks and shoes, he told me I was a good daughter.  We sat there in tears, talking about things.  The ups and downs that are inevitable between every parent and child.  In that moment, he reassured me yet again.  I was enough.  I had made him proud, despite a few bumps in the road.  

With all the sadness this new chapter brings, I have so much joy.  My mom wasn't here when I had Caroline, she never got to hold my baby.  But he did.  He was there, ready to love on his new grand daughter and he's loved her ever since.  That has always been so special to me that she had him.  I love the way he smiles when she's silly and I laugh when he gets grumpy because she's loud.

I'm so very thankful that she's had the past 12 years with him, to make memories with her grandparents, something I never had.  She'll always remember the beach vacations, the trip to Canada so they could show us where her grandma grew up, and the cruise we took a few months ago with them.  She'll remember them coming to her soccer games, to her school events.  She'll remember his love, just like I will.

Somedays I just can't take all the pain.

I just can't.  I can't imagine life without him.

50 Shades...of Sadness

I never really thought a set of books or a movie could cause such chaos in our society.  But it clearly has.  Lines have been drawn. People are taking sides.  The biggest arguments are abuse, Christianity, and pleasure.

Lets just stop right there.  I won't even go into all these arguments.  I will however tell you where I stand and what my thoughts are about this movie.

First and foremost I'll be honest.  I read all 3 books.  When I read the first book, I had several friends rave about how amazing it was and how I just had to read it, so I did.  I was so shocked. I read the next two books because I was curious about how any of this nonsense could possibly be someones reality and I had convinced my self I wanted to see Christian Grey change, fall in love and leave the pain behind.

The writing was atrocious.  It was hard for me to understand how this series was a bestseller.  But, I'm a romantic and I got sucked in to wanting them to find true, deep, meaningful love.  I bypassed the crap I was reading and rooted for love.

In the end, they are hopelessly in love. Ha!  Love is not pain.  Or, it shouldn't be.

Love is beautiful and precious and something so magical it takes your breath away.  It isn't pain and torture causing you to be suffocated.  It isn't controlling.  It isn't harmful.  Or, it shouldn't be.

After I read the books, I realized how awful the whole story truly was.

Let me tell you my story.

In 1998 my 6.5 year relationship ended six months before we were married.  I was devastated.  In my sorrow, I met this hunky guy.  I fell hard and fast.  Why?  I was 20, just out of what I thought was my happily ever after and I wanted to be loved.  This hunky guy said all the right things, was smokin' hot, and made me feel loved. 

A few months in, I started getting in trouble for not getting to his house soon enough when I got off work.  I had to cancel plans with my family because he wanted me to spend time with him.  I was expected to be where he wanted me, when he wanted me there.  I was berated if I spent time with my best friend.  I blew all of it off.  I thought he loved me and just acted that way because he wanted to be with me all the time.

Things went on this way for the first year.  I fought with my parents constantly over hunky guy.  They hated everything about this relationship.  They begged me to break it off, and yet I refused.  Of course things just got worse.  When they finally got to the point where things were physically controlling my dad had all of it he could handle and forced me to break it off.  My parents sat me down and opened my eyes to what I refused to see.  I was being controlled and abused.

My mom helped me pack bags, my dad hid my car and we called a friend I knew I could stay with for a while.  I made the call to hunky guy and broke it off.  A few minutes later I was in a car headed to a place he would never find me.  And within 10 minutes hunky guy was circling my house.  Talk about eye opening. 

After a few weeks he quit driving by my parents house and calling me 50 times a day.  But I didn't feel safe for months.  I was completely blind to the fact that I was allowing myself to be controlled and abused.  As pathetic as it was, I truly thought he loved me that much that he couldn't be without me.

---------------------------------------------------------------

As I closed the third book in the 50 Shades trilogy, I was sad.  Not sad that it was over.  Sad that Anastasia didn't love herself enough to see what was right in front of her eyes.  How horrible it is to be fooled into thinking abuse is love.  To think that you have the ability to change someone so vile.  It was tragic.  Love isn't pain. 

I have no plans to see the movie.  I don't need to see this unfold on the big screen.  Why would anyone want to see someone be abused, tortured and in pain?  I hope people do realize that this isn't some wonderful love story.  That sexual torture doesn't equal love and that nothing justifies this kind of treatment.  Being abused doesn't give you a pass to abuse others.  Anastasia may have been a consenting adult, but even that doesn't make it right or make it love.  It makes me really question our society, people flocking to see abuse justified.  It's just sad.


And if you still fool yourself into thinking this is a love story, imagine your daughter going through this.  Still think it's a love story? 

Tuesday Truths

I didn't have much to say last week, so on Tuesday I posted 'Tuesday Truths'.  I don't have much this week either, which leads me to another, yep, you guessed it...

Tuesday Truths.

-  I'm on my 3rd set of Valentine's nails.  In a week.  That means if you include the 3 times I painted my nails last week I've painted my nails 6 times in 14 days.  I have a problem. Clearly.

-  World Market finally opened here.  I've been stalking its progress since the sign went up.  I drove by on the morning of the grand opening, saw a line, immediately parked my car and secured my spot in line.  I had no clue why this was so important.  Until I got to the front and my hands were filled with gift card goodness!  Score!

-  While in World Market, I perused the wine section.  I picked 2 I had never tried, got home and chilled a bottle for dinner that night.  I forgot to open it for 4 days.  I remembered it last night!  I was so excited to have a glass while sitting down to watch The Bachelor.  Let's just say the wine was a train wreck.  Just like Kelsey & Ashley.

-  Since I don't drive to 'work' anymore I listen to my favorite morning show, Kidd Kraddick, when I drive Caroline to the bus stop.  When I drive the mile back home I sit in the car and listen to it.  Makes perfect sense to sit in the car instead of going in the house where I can turn on the radio.

-  I secretly envy Caroline's stick straight gorgeous blonde hair.  It looks exactly like mine used to.  Before I got pregnant with her and it got darker and grew in curly.  Thanks kid.

-  Morning coffee is a must.  When you run out of creamer, you search for anything suitable to get your morning fix.  I had no creamer, no milk, no dairy.  And then the heavens opened and a bright light emanated from the homemade whipped cream I used for fresh blueberries.  It may be my new thing.  A big 'ol spoonful of whipped cream was better than sugar and creamer.

Tuesday Truths

Y'all.  It's only Tuesday and I'm already exhausted.

I thought it would be a change of pace to throw in something a little different this week, so here you have it.

-I've changed my nail polish 3 times in the last week because I have an addiction to nail polish.  I.can't.stop.

-Have you seen the new Butterfinger peanut butter cups?  I bought the big bag, y'all know the one, with the ziplock seal?  I ate the whole darn bag.  My boo-tay is not happy with my decision.

-I'm up typing this post at 12:34am.  I should be sleeping.

-My hair.  It's been washed twice in the last 9 days.  Don't judge.  No, really, I was on a mission about 2 years ago to train my hair to go longer in between washes.  It's so so much healthier and has grown tons since I started doing this.  Normally I wash it every 3-4 days.  Unless I work out.  Sweaty hair, that's just gross.

-I treat my furbaby Shiner like he's my real baby.  It's a close race who gets cuddle time on the couch with me, Shiner or Caroline.  Sometimes he wins.  Mostly because he can't talk back or roll his eyes.

-I love Katy Perry but was totally blah over her halftime show.  But she does get major cool points for it being totally kid appropriate. #keepinitclassy

-Trivia Crack.  Get it now people.  It's why I can't sleep.

-I tuck Caroline in between 9:00 - 9:15.  Then I usually check on her at least twice before I go to bed.  I love that kid.  I had to leave on a gushy truth.

That's it, that's all I've got for y'all.  Yay Tuesday!

And just because he's so stinking precious...

Fun{ky} Filled Fridays: Home Reno Edition

So stinking excited for this post y'all!  I have literally been waiting 7 years for this.  I never thought I'd see it happen.

What?  You have no clue what I'm talking about?  I'm taking about my living room & kitchen remodel!!! Thank.the.Lord.

I love my house.  But it resides in 1983, which I don't love.  It's got tons of awesome features, like tons of natural rock throughout, huge rooms and a wood burning stove.  And then it has things that make me cry. No really, they make me cry.  These include wood paneling, fluorescent lights in EVERY room, popcorn ceilings, linoleum through the whole house, and did I say wood paneling?

Here are a few dinky phone pics because I was too lazy to pull out the big camera.  For some viewing pleasure, which may cause a few gasps and giggles.  Bless my husband, he'd leave it just like this for the next 32 years if I let him.

My father in law built every last inch of this house, placed every stone, every tiny detail.  I can't imagine living anywhere else.  But all things need a little work and after 32 years, it's time to update this baby.

 Looking into the living room from the front door

Looking into the living room from the kitchen doorway

 Looking into the kitchen from the backdoor

 Looking into the kitchen from the game room {ignore the counter clutter, I was in the middle of cooking and dishes when I took these}

My life is consumed by the color brown.  I may never own anything brown again.  Right now the living room is doubling as my office, I've got junk everywhere. Pardon the mess.  This is real life.

Between the living room and kitchen we've got 724 sq. ft. of renovations.  That's a lot.  My kitchen is actually the biggest room in our house.  I want the whole thing opened up.  Now this may not seem like a big deal, but when the main wall in your house is the one wall you want removed, it takes a little engineering expertise to figure out how to keep my house from caving in. 

Now the details.  The main wall will come down, which is the wall that the stove and frig is on.  Everything has to be moved.  For that to happen the side bar has to come out too.  This will be replaced with a center beam and 2 columns and a huge snazzy island that will house the stove.

source

The center light will be sheet rocked over and replaced with something similar to one of these fixtures that my handy husband will build.  Actually, we'll be doing all of this on our own, with the help of my father in law.

source

source

I'll lose my pantry, so that will be relocated along with the frig.  Instead of a pantry we'll do open shelving like this.  It works for us because I don't have a ton of pantry items.  I really try to cook fresh.  Go ahead and say ugly things. 

source

The backsplash, on the remaining kitchen wall where the sink and cabinets are, and in the island will be antique bricks that we've been collecting.  The cabinets will all get a fresh coat of paint and new hardware.  Which I've been buying from Hobby Lobby twice a month when they have them 50% off. Score.

source

 source

source

The floors will be ripped up throughout the living room and kitchen and we'll stain the concrete.  I'd love to be bold enough to do this turquoise, but for the hubby's sake, I'll probably do this rusty color.

source

source

The island is being built from 4 old farmhouse doors we have and some farmhouse windows.  The windows will open to all the storage in the island.  It'll have 2 levels, and possibly an open end for my cookbooks.  The countertops will be concrete, which I'm in love with.

source

That leaves the awful popcorn ceilings.  Our 2 options right now are scrape it off and paint or replace with vintage tiles.  Since the vintage tiles will cost us more than the whole reno, we've been looking at some cheap new options.  Styrofoam tiles you can paint.  What?  Y'all.  These things are pretty cool.  And cheap.  I'm gonna get a couple and play with paint options before we commit to these.

source

The remaining walls haven't been decided on yet.  We'd love to do ship lap, but other options are painting the paneling, remove the paneling and texturing/painting the walls, or installing beadboard.  Our pallet wall will stay.

This whole thing should cost us very little.  Because we're awesome like that.  But really, we have most of the materials, at this point the only things to buy are the stuff to prep and stain/seal the floors and the ceiling tiles.  We have the lumber for the island, we have the beams, because my hubby and his dad save everything they could potentially use to build stuff.  Soooo we're good on most of it.

I dream of this every night.   I have to keep myself from getting a sledge hammer and taking the wall down during the days.  I.can't.wait.

Mom Struggles: Friendships

I know it seems like all I talk about lately is tweens.  Probably because I have one.  It consumes most of my time.  What I don't talk about is tween mommas.  Let's talk about that today.  Bare with me.

We spend 5 years in elementary school building relationships, with teachers, other mommas, our kids with other kids etc., only to be dumped into a whole new school and start the whole process all.over.again.

What about those other relationships?  What about new relationships?  How do we help our kids navigate through all that and not lose ourselves in the process?  Seems silly, huh?  The struggle is real y'all.

We spent 5th grade in a kind of blur and so far that's how 6th grade is going.  Everything just happened so fast that it truly just took me by surprise.  We went from a tiny school to a huge school and with that a ton of new people for Caroline to meet.  This is a GOOD thing people.  We want our kids to expand their relationships, grow, find themselves, get involved.  Now the BAD part of that is that kids feel a little lost, and so do the mommas.

Let me explain that a little.  When we first build up our kids and support their little friendships, we usually make friends with those mommas.  As the kiddos make new friends, we moms may or may not make new friends.  Why?  Well, it's simple.  We may have friendships that we cherish, we feel fulfilled with those, and don't necessarily care to delve too deeply into making new friendships.  Not that we won't be friends with new moms, but we may not invest as much into it as we did in the past, maybe we will.

After talking to a handful of my momma friends, I realized several things.  Girls see how their moms handle relationships, and they act that out in their little lives.  I also realized that some mommas feel like as their kids grow away from old friendships, they also grow away from previous friendships.  With that these moms feel guilt that their kids aren't friends with other kids anymore and don't quite know how to navigate those momma friendships anymore.

Both of these are fine, what makes both not okay is when people get hurt.  Like I said in my other post, we should be teaching our girls to be better than that.  It's heartbreaking really, to see the moms go through this.  Why?  Because we're not 11/12 and should have a handle on being adults and handling friendships in an adult manner.  We know better.  As mommas, we know our kids will make new friends over the years and that they may grow apart from some friendships.  We also know that with growing up comes growing pains and dealing with other girls that may not always be nice.  But why do we have to deal with these things from moms too?

I don't know. But it makes me sad.

I have a handful of friends that I count on.  All the time.  Women who have been there at my worst, who have come to my rescue in a pinch and who love my kid like their own.  No matter what status our daughters friendship is in, I plan on my friendships staying the same.  I guess that's where the last 2 years have been a bit of a confusing time for me.  Those friendships aren't the same anymore and I just don't know why.  I've distanced myself because of it.  I'm not as involved because it hurts.  Not that these friendships are ruined, or done with, they've just changed.  Hopefully one day it will be different.

That's really the whole point of this post.  Just because our kids aren't close anymore shouldn't have any bearing on our own friendships.  When our kids see this, they think it's okay to do the same and they don't value friendships.  Friendships always change, but that doesn't mean we toss them aside.  We learn to grow in a new capacity and I want to teach that to my tween girl.  I want her to know that her friends no matter how close they are, they matter, they have value.

Love your other momma friends, I promise it'll make our daughters that much more loving to their friends.

Good for my Soul

Life is crazy, right?  Sometimes we just need to take a minute and get away from the craziness of it all.  So last weekend, that's exactly what I did.

Being a transplant to a new town {really, it's been 8 years, but you get my point} I didn't have any friends at first and was crushed to not be with my bestie everyday anymore.  I never thought I'd have any friends here.  Just a tad dramatic, I know.  Let's be real here ya'll.  Women are not always the nicest people.  It's not easy to put yourself out there and meet new friends, but thanks to my outgoing daughter, I did just that.

I've made a handful of precious friends, and I'm so thankful for them.  Then a few months ago, we got the sad news that one of them would be moving to Siberia.  Not really, but Midland, Texas might as well be Siberia in my book.  Well folks, she came for a visit last weekend!  To say I was happy is an understatement.  And well, it was time for a girls night.  Thank you Jesus!

After getting my hair all prettied up, 3 of us hit the town.  We're such party animals, we went for our favorite.  Salsa and maybe a margarita or two.  We had so much stinking fun just talking and laughing.  These are my people.  I love them.

Saturday night, we had family game night.  Normally we host at our house, but this week we were at another friends house.  Seriously, game nights with friends and family are just the best.  Good food, good people and good laughs.

Nights like these are just good for my soul.

Tween Girls, Mean Girls

There really should be a handbook for raising tween girls.  Like really, there should.  Since there is no such book, I'm just going to put out a few of the things I've learned.

They are hormonal. Y'all.  It's like 2 worlds colliding every 20 minutes.  Good meets Evil.  I never know which one is approaching.  We go from sweet to the world is over in .0006 seconds. 

They test boundaries. Like nobody has ever tested them before.  They push us to the brink.  Just when we think we've got it handled, yep, they push us even further.

They have no clue who they are.  This also can fall under hormonal and testing boundaries.  They think they are sweet innocent girls.  They have no clue that there heads spin when they are angry. Exorcist style.

They think their lives are over.  Again this is every 20 minutes.  Whether its over a friend, a boy, shoes, iphones...everything can cause this reaction from them.

They think they are GROWN.  Bless their little souls.  I promise mine does not know more than me, no matter how much she rolls her pretty little eyes.

These are just a few of the daily woes of a tween girl tween mom.

After a particularly trying day for my girl, I finally get to the bottom of today's meltdown.  What I realized is that its a recurring theme.  Mean girls.  All of them.  Including mine.

Y'all, they have no clue how to handle whats going on in their little tween bodies.  This manifests in all of the above symptoms.  And to top all of those gems off, they just want to fit in.  This causes our sweet, precious little babies to be mean spirited and hurtful to the friends they love so much.  And wait.  Before you start thinking, 'not my little girl', yes, even the sweetest and most tender girls go through it. 

So fellow tween moms, here's my plea to you.  Pray with me for them.  Let's teach them, walk them through this tough age.  Teach them to have grace.  Teach them about their actions and words.  Talk to them about how much they can hurt with their words.

After an hour long talk today, many confessions, many tears, I hope I helped smooth a path for my girl.  She, like many, many young girls get their feelings hurt so easily and then they react.  And lets be honest.  They can be mean.  They are mean because they have been hurt.  The hurt can be silly in our eyes, but in theirs, its everything.  And all it does is create a vicious cycle that they can't find their way out of.

I want us mommas to work together to teach them to let go of jealousies.  To let go of who has the new cool thing.  To let go of who likes what boy {this still kills me}.  These things are real. 

They use Instagram to out do each other.  To prove who their besties are each week.  To brag about what they got over the weekend or where they went.  They do these same things on the bus or in the cafeteria, talking loudly about what they have or who spent the night.  We need to teach them these things do not define them. 

We need to tell them they are each special in their own right and that its a good thing for them to be different.  They need our love and guidance. 

And we might need a lifetime supply of wine to get through it.

#soulemates

Y'all.  I can't help myself.  I'll admit it, I'm a Bachelor Fan.  I know, I know, it's cheesy.  But I'm truly a romantic at heart and I love the thought of this whole bizarre process working.  In fact, as sad as this confession is, Caroline's dad proposed to me the same night as Trista & Ryan, hahaha!  I'd gone to watch the last show with a good friend and because he knew I loved it, he proposed after I got home!  But that's a lifetime ago.  And a little cheeseballs.

Anywho...so Chris is a doll.  So many of the bachelor/bachelorettes just don't seem genuine.  But Chris, he's a cutie and seems to be just so sweet and down to earth.

Now lets talk girls and their crazy entrances.  So it's been the trend forever now to come up with a memorable entrance.  Most are dorky, some are cute, and some are just perfect.  In this age of social media, the #soulemates was too cute {even though it was totally cheesy}.  And apparently cheesy {and other forms of the word cheese} happens to be the word of the night.  Ahem.  Let's continue.

The girl with the piggy nose was cute, if not bold.  I mean who wants to be seen right out of the gate with a pig nose?  But the best part of that was the girls teasing that she needed to do her research because they didn't think he raised pigs...then he said he did!  Ha!

Homegirl with the fake heart....Blech!  No thanks.

I'm not gonna lie.  Britt, the one who gave the 'free hug'?  I thought she had potential.  I thought her little gift was cute, genuine, and not over the top.

Now, Tara...oh Tara.  I love loved that she came in without being all fancy. But...her shorts were a tad short and God love her, she and her Jameson needed to slow down a bit.

With the 30 girls this go round, I had a hard time picking out my front runners, so I'm ready for next week to see who my top gals are gonna be for this whole crazy ride.

What about you?  Do you watch? What did you think about the girls?

Ramping It Up

On my journey to find my place in the business world, I've decided it's time to be more proactive about listing things in my Etsy Shop.  I'm the worst.  I make tons of stuff and never even list it, which to me means I'm missing out on marketing myself and what I make.

I think my biggest issue is that I have no clear path with what I create.  I make everything from paintings, to chalkboards, to sugar scrubs and whipped lotions, to hair ties, to small wooden items along with re-purposing things I find along the way.  None of it really fits together cohesively.  So I just don't list most of what I create.  I feel like I need to find one area and focus on that, but then I still make so many other things....what does a girl do?

I think to start, I'll just list the whole range of items and see what happens from there.  Because honestly, I have no clue what else to do.

Here's to hoping that I can figure out what direction I want to take this little shop!  Once I get it all loaded I'll post a link if you want to stop by!

Day 1

As the first day of 2015 comes to a close, I'm sitting here, with Caroline cuddled up next to me on the couch, reflecting on the last year.  It was a tough year for us.  Lots of struggles, pain, realizations and also a year of love, joy and hope.

It doesn't ever leave my mind that God has a plan for my family, but during these trials, I often wonder what the heck it is.  Don't we all?  My faith in His plan never waivers, but I struggle with being patient until He reveals his plans to me.  Sometimes it's hard to be patient with His timing.

My plan for this new year is to be patient.  To be open to what His plan is and to embrace it.  That can be a hard thing.  I plan to dig deep and see what he has in store for me, whether that's finding my groove with my photography, or creating or going back into the away from home workforce.  I don't know what's in store for me, but I know I need a change.  And as much as I love being at home full time, I'm ready for what's next.  I'd love nothing more than to stay at home, and continue creating beautiful images, creating things with my hands for people to enjoy and cherish.  Hopefully. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy my time with my crazy girl and cherish the last few days before she goes back to school.  And learn to be patient with a tween.  Hopefully.

Christmas Simplified

It's not a secret that this year has been a trying year for us.  Between family, a hormonal tween, and the ups and downs of the photography biz, it's been well, tough.

As Thanksgiving rolled around I started to think about Christmas. Pulling out the decorations, Christmas cards, presents, gatherings and I just wanted to cry.  In fact, I did.  I thought how in the world I am going to do all that this year?

I'm not.

I realized that I just can't do it.  We don't have the money and I just don't have the desire.  Christmas is about more than all that other stuff, so I'm sort of ditching it this year and focusing on what it's meant to be, the birth of our Savior.

That doesn't mean we won't be with family or go to Christmas parties, it just means that there won't be any big production of buying gifts for everyone, or heck even ourselves.

Instead of the stress I've been under the last few days of  'how am I going to do Christmas this year', I made a decision yesterday that we just weren't doing some huge, crazy expensive Christmas.  We aren't buying for friends or family except for the kids.  If we give to any adults, it'll be handmade and more than likely, so will the kids gifts. 

This year there just isn't any extra money for all of it.  To be honest, hubby and I haven't spent more than $50 on each other for the last 3 years.  We just can't afford it.  And instead of making myself sick over how we're supposed to buy for Caroline and everyone else, we're just not doing it.  And that probably will include Caroline too. 

I love Christmas and I love all the stuff that goes with it.  The decorations, the yummy goodies, the music, the smells, and I truly love giving presents.  But this year, its the bare minimum. 

We'll still bake, on a smaller scale, we'll still decorate.  We'll enjoy each other and focus of the birth of Jesus.  I just can't suffer through another year of trying to make everyone think we have it all.  We don't.  And I'm just so tired of making it look like we do.

I haven't even decorated yet.  We got the tree yesterday.  Instead of a huge noble fir, we got a little 5 foot $18 tree.  And you know what, we love it.  It's just perfect.  It's small and simple, it's just what we wanted.

So to everyone out there trying to figure out how to do it all this year, wondering how you're gonna buy for your kids and everyone else, just do what you can.  Caroline will do without this year and that's ok.  She'll get over it and hopefully have a more memorable Christmas this year.

This is life, real and in your face.  And we're not stressing about it anymore.

Sometimes a Word is Just a Word

The beauty of words is that they have meaning.  Sometimes a word means something different to you than it does to someone else.  Of course each word has its Webster Dictionary meaning, but we all know that sometimes a word is just a word.

I've discovered family is one of those words.  It has many different meanings.  My version is this.

Family is always there. Family supports one another.  Family loves each other.  Family stands together.  Family laughs and cries together.  Family comes together for events, birthdays, celebrations, holidays.  Family is well, family.

Merriam-Webster Version: Family - a group of people who are related to each other.

I've learned, over the last 13 years, that family does not mean the same thing for everyone.  My version apparently doesn't include being related.  I thought it did.  After the last year, with all the ups and downs, it makes me sad to realize that being related isn't a guaranteed part of being a family.

It made me wonder, what is family?  Then I wrote out what family means to me and yep, I never wrote being related.  Why?

Well the answer is simple.  Some of my family is related and some of those I'm related to aren't family at all.  What a heartbreaking discovery, but a life lesson nonetheless.  And one that really has struck me to the core.

You see, whether I like someone or not, if they're related to me, I've always considered them my family.  No matter the distance, no matter how well I know them, I've considered them my family.  Maybe I shouldn't have ever done that, but it's the way I was raised and it's what I did.  I've learned that these family members don't feel the same way, and that's ok.  Now I know, and I'll guard my heart accordingly.

As we head into the Christmas Season, there will be lots of family gatherings.  My only advice to anyone is this: love you're family, related or not.  And if that same love isn't returned, it's their loss.  No point in crying over someone who doesn't care about you in the first place.  But for those who I consider my family, I love you and can't wait to spend the holidays with you.

*there are many of those who are family who aren't included in this collage,

I couldn't include them all*

A Little {or a lot} of Tough Love

Oh mercy.  I always knew there would be tough moments in parenting.  I've had a few.  Those moments where you have to give a little tough love.  Those moments where you are hurt to the core watching your kiddo when they're sick.

Then one day, you realize that it's gonna be a tough love kinda day week and you have to stick to your guns.  You can't back down.  Even when it's their birthday.

Nobody can tell you how to parent your child, you figure it out as you go.  I've always had guidelines and boundaries for things, ideas of the way I wanted to parent.  I knew years ago that when Caroline hit 10, that would be her last big yearly birthday party.  I've always known that when she hit junior high {7th grade} that I wouldn't let her trick or treat anymore, it's for the little ones.  I've always known that I wouldn't allow her to wear visible make-up daily until junior high or get highlights or get acrylic nails.  And those last 2 may not even be allowed then.

But I have always faltered a bit with tough love.  Partly because she's my only child and I feel guilty taking things away or doling out punishments.  Partly because she has divorced parents and that carries it's own kind of guilt.   It's hard on me.  Which is just too darn bad, time for me to get over it.

So tonight when we were going over her homework and checking her grades and I see that she's being lazy in class, I doled out the ultimate punishment.  I took everything away from her, down to her birthday.  We've been battling for over 6 weeks with getting her to complete schoolwork and it was time to take this to an extreme level.  We've tried taking away her phone and ipad.  We've taken away sleepovers.  Nothing has worked.

And believe me, this isn't a case of she can't do the work.  She gets bored with it and doesn't bother to turn it in or sometimes even finish it.  It's so hard as a parent to watch your kid make bad choices.  My fear is that if I don't show her how bad these decisions are now, then she'll continue this behavior and one day it will have horrible ramifications.

I was very blunt and honest with her.  I talked to her with her dad on speaker phone and told her that as far as my house was concerned she had lost all and I do mean all privileges until her grade improved.  No phone, no ipad, no tv, no candy or gum, no junk food, no friends and sadly this means no birthday.

Her birthday is Monday.  I can't very well dish out punishment and say oh, but you can still have your friend sleepover for your birthday and we'll still buy you presents.  She wouldn't learn anything.  She'd think, "oh well, I still got a sleepover and I still got the charm I wanted for my bracelet and my book...".  I even called her grandparents and said that I was sorry but there wouldn't be any cake and ice cream this year.  They agreed and told me they understood completely.  Now I don't know that her dad will apply these same harsh rules at his house, but I hope he does.  Otherwise she'll think she can get what she wants over there even when she's in trouble over here.

I hated having to make the decision to take her birthday away, but she already celebrated it on a cruise 2 weeks ago, she's just losing her present and a friend spending the night.   It's not like she's losing it altogether. 

After all was said and done I sent her off to take her bath.  I could hear her crying.  My momma heart hates that part.  I went in and asked her what suddenly made her cry.  "Not getting my charm", she tells me.  And my heart broke.  The charm she asked for was a charm for her sweet dog Squirt that was killed while we were on our cruise.  I knew how much the charm meant to her, and it broke my heart.

I immediately wanted to take it all back and tell her I would still give her the charm.  But I knew I couldn't.  So I used it as an opportunity to teach her this tough lesson.  I asked her if she learned that her actions had consequences and she sobbed yes.  I asked her if she understood why I had to do this and she sobbed yes.  It was the first time I've ever seen her be truly upset that she was being punished.

I may be wrong and y'all may think I'm handling this completely wrong, but for her, I think this was the only way.  I sadly found something that she was truly hurt to lose.  My only hope is that she respects me for my decision one day.   Because in the end, this was so hard for me to follow through.  I just wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her it was ok, she just needed to do better.  But I knew that wasn't the answer this time.  She needed tough love.

But my oh my, my momma heart still hearts.

Sweet November

Ahhh November. 

A month of many emotions for me.

There's a slew of birthdays.  My dad.  My mom.  My best friend.  My daughter.

And then, there's my dark day.

November 13th.

The day my mom went to be with Jesus.

A day of healing for her.  A day of heartbreak for me.

And then, I'm supposed to be thankful.

___________________________________________

For me November is a time to be happy.  Sad.  Thankful.

And a time to reflect.

It doesn't matter how much faith I have or the fact that I know God had a plan for my mom, just as there's a plan for us all, it will always hurt to my core that my mom isn't here with me.

It will always make me giddy that God chose me to be Caroline's mom.

And it should make me happy that I had her 1 year & 11 days after my mom went to heaven.  To have such a blessing in the midst of such sadness.  Most days it does.  But some Novembers it's just hard.  It's hard because I want to share my unbelievable joy with the one person who isn't here to share it with me.

I'll always know that she's with us, watching and smiling down on us. 

I just wish she were here.

Smiling and laughing with us.