A Little {or a lot} of Tough Love

Oh mercy.  I always knew there would be tough moments in parenting.  I've had a few.  Those moments where you have to give a little tough love.  Those moments where you are hurt to the core watching your kiddo when they're sick.

Then one day, you realize that it's gonna be a tough love kinda day week and you have to stick to your guns.  You can't back down.  Even when it's their birthday.

Nobody can tell you how to parent your child, you figure it out as you go.  I've always had guidelines and boundaries for things, ideas of the way I wanted to parent.  I knew years ago that when Caroline hit 10, that would be her last big yearly birthday party.  I've always known that when she hit junior high {7th grade} that I wouldn't let her trick or treat anymore, it's for the little ones.  I've always known that I wouldn't allow her to wear visible make-up daily until junior high or get highlights or get acrylic nails.  And those last 2 may not even be allowed then.

But I have always faltered a bit with tough love.  Partly because she's my only child and I feel guilty taking things away or doling out punishments.  Partly because she has divorced parents and that carries it's own kind of guilt.   It's hard on me.  Which is just too darn bad, time for me to get over it.

So tonight when we were going over her homework and checking her grades and I see that she's being lazy in class, I doled out the ultimate punishment.  I took everything away from her, down to her birthday.  We've been battling for over 6 weeks with getting her to complete schoolwork and it was time to take this to an extreme level.  We've tried taking away her phone and ipad.  We've taken away sleepovers.  Nothing has worked.

And believe me, this isn't a case of she can't do the work.  She gets bored with it and doesn't bother to turn it in or sometimes even finish it.  It's so hard as a parent to watch your kid make bad choices.  My fear is that if I don't show her how bad these decisions are now, then she'll continue this behavior and one day it will have horrible ramifications.

I was very blunt and honest with her.  I talked to her with her dad on speaker phone and told her that as far as my house was concerned she had lost all and I do mean all privileges until her grade improved.  No phone, no ipad, no tv, no candy or gum, no junk food, no friends and sadly this means no birthday.

Her birthday is Monday.  I can't very well dish out punishment and say oh, but you can still have your friend sleepover for your birthday and we'll still buy you presents.  She wouldn't learn anything.  She'd think, "oh well, I still got a sleepover and I still got the charm I wanted for my bracelet and my book...".  I even called her grandparents and said that I was sorry but there wouldn't be any cake and ice cream this year.  They agreed and told me they understood completely.  Now I don't know that her dad will apply these same harsh rules at his house, but I hope he does.  Otherwise she'll think she can get what she wants over there even when she's in trouble over here.

I hated having to make the decision to take her birthday away, but she already celebrated it on a cruise 2 weeks ago, she's just losing her present and a friend spending the night.   It's not like she's losing it altogether. 

After all was said and done I sent her off to take her bath.  I could hear her crying.  My momma heart hates that part.  I went in and asked her what suddenly made her cry.  "Not getting my charm", she tells me.  And my heart broke.  The charm she asked for was a charm for her sweet dog Squirt that was killed while we were on our cruise.  I knew how much the charm meant to her, and it broke my heart.

I immediately wanted to take it all back and tell her I would still give her the charm.  But I knew I couldn't.  So I used it as an opportunity to teach her this tough lesson.  I asked her if she learned that her actions had consequences and she sobbed yes.  I asked her if she understood why I had to do this and she sobbed yes.  It was the first time I've ever seen her be truly upset that she was being punished.

I may be wrong and y'all may think I'm handling this completely wrong, but for her, I think this was the only way.  I sadly found something that she was truly hurt to lose.  My only hope is that she respects me for my decision one day.   Because in the end, this was so hard for me to follow through.  I just wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her it was ok, she just needed to do better.  But I knew that wasn't the answer this time.  She needed tough love.

But my oh my, my momma heart still hearts.