Some Days I Just Want to Cry

Really. I sit here as I type this with tears in my eyes. Tears of love over my daughter. Tears of fear for this stinking ITP she is battling.

When she got home today, I did my customary body check for petechiea, something I never imagined I would be accustomed to doing. As I looked over her little body, I saw the spots, and my heart sank. In my mind, I was screaming, "No, not again!".

I am full of fear.

This can only mean her count has dropped more since her counts were done yesterday. I just want her to be healed. I knew going into this that it could be a long battle. It could be a one-time occurence, or this could be a chronic disease that she fights. I hate not having the answers.

I want this to go away and be a distant memory. Will it? Right now it doesn't feel that way.

I think about all the things that can happen. If she falls, if she gets a bad cut, what will happen? I know sitting and worrying over this is not helping, but I can't seem to stop. I just feel so helpless. No mother ever wants to hear their sweet, precious little 6 year old say that they are used to getting their blood taken. That's what she says now. She wanted to know if we would have to go tomorrow now since she has developed petechiea...and I don't have the answer. That hurts, deeply. When those eyes look up at me, I want to be able to give her all the answers she desires.

I also want my mom. Not to say that I don't have a great family support system, and a wonderful step-mom, but sometimes, you just want your mom, and I do. I just keep thinking about something she told me long ago...Pray without ceasing. So that's what I'm doing, praying without ceasing.

And so everyone can think I'm completely crazy, I know my mom is with us.

Of course, with my faith, I know she is in heaven. But, I also believe her spirit is here with us. There are things that have happened that can only lead to her being here. Some nights I go to kiss Caroline's sweet head after she is asleep, and I can smell my mom on her cheek. Her perfume. Her signature scent, that I might add, I've never known anyone to wear, but my mom. And it comforts me to know that she is here, that she loves Caroline from afar, and that looks over her. If that makes me crazy, fine by me.

I also find comfort in one of my most favorite scriptures. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

No, I can't heal her, but I can find strength in Christ during these painful times. And that's what I need. I can have comfort in my faith, comfort that He can heal her.

I plan on getting up in the morning, and doing our usual routine. I plan on calling the school and telling them to restrict her activity, and that breaks my heart. She loves her school and playing with her friends. And then, I'm going to wait patiently {ha} until 9am when her doctor's office opens, call and see what we do next. Do we still wait until Friday to check her counts, or do we need to come in today? Then what?

For now, I am going to kiss my sweet baby girl goodnight. Of course, she's been alseep since 8:30, but I can't seem to find some peace so that I can sleep. I'm just going to pray myself to sleep...after I read a little Twilight.

Keep us in your prayers or thoughts please? I do have great comfort in knowing that I have friends to stand with me.