A Tough Day

Today was a tough day.  I've been struggling. 

I made the decision at the start of summer that I was going back to work. 

My business is growing, but not enough.  I've been stressed over it.

Do I throw in the towel?  Go back to work?

The only thing that fits is finding a job.  This stresses me out.

I panic about having a job.  What if Caroline's sick?  What if I'm sick?  What about my back, I have good days and really bad days with it.

I've been applying for jobs for a month.  Nothing.  I haven't heard a thing.

I try to spend part of the day looking and applying, researching what's out there.

Today, I lost it.  I broke down.  In front of Caroline.

I've had a tooth that's been killing me since the wee hours of Sunday morning.  My face started to swell yesterday.  I started antibiotics.

I haven't felt good this week.  I'm stressed.  And Caroline wants to be a kid.

I wanted to take her swimming today, and I told her if she would do a few things around the house I would take her for a little bit.

She just couldn't do it.

I'm sitting at the computer looking at jobs when I ask her again to pick up.  She ignores me.

I ask again.  She grunts

I feel like I've hit a wall with her.  She simply will not do anything.  Lay in the floor watching TV, that's about it.  Constantly arguing with us.

She's 10.  This isn't supposed to happen yet.

I turned the TV off and asked her to come talk to me.  I tried to explain to her that it makes me sad when she can't help do little things.  That I know she wants to play, but that we have to clean up too.  She covered her head.  Then she argued with me.

And I lost it.

I hate myself for it.

I forget she's a child sometimes.  Her vocabulary and comprehension is off the charts.  And it makes it hard sometimes to talk to her like you would a child. 

I told her that when she acts this way it hurts.  I told her that I needed help because I couldn't take much more of the struggles.  She grunted again.  I told her that I wanted to get in the car and just get away from it all.

And she cried.  Screamed at me because she thought I was saying I didn't want her anymore.  And I cried.  I tried to backtrack and tell her NO!  That I never want to be away from her.

My oh my, our words can be mighty.

I screwed up and hurt my girl.

I hugged her and rocked her and told her I was so very wrong to say that to her.  That mommy knew better than to talk to her like she was an adult.

After we talked she knew I didn't mean I wanted to leave her.  But I said something she will likely never forget.  And that broke me even more.

I took my frustrations at life out on my girl instead of giving it to Jesus.  I've tried to give it over, but apparently I haven't fully laid it at His feet.

The rest of our day went smoothly.  We talked most of the day about what I should have said.  I told her the ways that I needed her to help around the house.  I wanted her understand that we have to work for things, not everything is just done for us and given to us.  We cooked dinner together and snuggled on the couch.  Now she's sleeping beside me.

My heart aches for today.  I'm broken and trying to fix it.  I'm stressed and want it to all be better when I wake up.  And it will be.  When He's ready.  I just have to have faith in His timing.

"Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone."

Psalm 33:22