Day 1

As the first day of 2015 comes to a close, I'm sitting here, with Caroline cuddled up next to me on the couch, reflecting on the last year.  It was a tough year for us.  Lots of struggles, pain, realizations and also a year of love, joy and hope.

It doesn't ever leave my mind that God has a plan for my family, but during these trials, I often wonder what the heck it is.  Don't we all?  My faith in His plan never waivers, but I struggle with being patient until He reveals his plans to me.  Sometimes it's hard to be patient with His timing.

My plan for this new year is to be patient.  To be open to what His plan is and to embrace it.  That can be a hard thing.  I plan to dig deep and see what he has in store for me, whether that's finding my groove with my photography, or creating or going back into the away from home workforce.  I don't know what's in store for me, but I know I need a change.  And as much as I love being at home full time, I'm ready for what's next.  I'd love nothing more than to stay at home, and continue creating beautiful images, creating things with my hands for people to enjoy and cherish.  Hopefully. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy my time with my crazy girl and cherish the last few days before she goes back to school.  And learn to be patient with a tween.  Hopefully.

Christmas Simplified

It's not a secret that this year has been a trying year for us.  Between family, a hormonal tween, and the ups and downs of the photography biz, it's been well, tough.

As Thanksgiving rolled around I started to think about Christmas. Pulling out the decorations, Christmas cards, presents, gatherings and I just wanted to cry.  In fact, I did.  I thought how in the world I am going to do all that this year?

I'm not.

I realized that I just can't do it.  We don't have the money and I just don't have the desire.  Christmas is about more than all that other stuff, so I'm sort of ditching it this year and focusing on what it's meant to be, the birth of our Savior.

That doesn't mean we won't be with family or go to Christmas parties, it just means that there won't be any big production of buying gifts for everyone, or heck even ourselves.

Instead of the stress I've been under the last few days of  'how am I going to do Christmas this year', I made a decision yesterday that we just weren't doing some huge, crazy expensive Christmas.  We aren't buying for friends or family except for the kids.  If we give to any adults, it'll be handmade and more than likely, so will the kids gifts. 

This year there just isn't any extra money for all of it.  To be honest, hubby and I haven't spent more than $50 on each other for the last 3 years.  We just can't afford it.  And instead of making myself sick over how we're supposed to buy for Caroline and everyone else, we're just not doing it.  And that probably will include Caroline too. 

I love Christmas and I love all the stuff that goes with it.  The decorations, the yummy goodies, the music, the smells, and I truly love giving presents.  But this year, its the bare minimum. 

We'll still bake, on a smaller scale, we'll still decorate.  We'll enjoy each other and focus of the birth of Jesus.  I just can't suffer through another year of trying to make everyone think we have it all.  We don't.  And I'm just so tired of making it look like we do.

I haven't even decorated yet.  We got the tree yesterday.  Instead of a huge noble fir, we got a little 5 foot $18 tree.  And you know what, we love it.  It's just perfect.  It's small and simple, it's just what we wanted.

So to everyone out there trying to figure out how to do it all this year, wondering how you're gonna buy for your kids and everyone else, just do what you can.  Caroline will do without this year and that's ok.  She'll get over it and hopefully have a more memorable Christmas this year.

This is life, real and in your face.  And we're not stressing about it anymore.

Sometimes a Word is Just a Word

The beauty of words is that they have meaning.  Sometimes a word means something different to you than it does to someone else.  Of course each word has its Webster Dictionary meaning, but we all know that sometimes a word is just a word.

I've discovered family is one of those words.  It has many different meanings.  My version is this.

Family is always there. Family supports one another.  Family loves each other.  Family stands together.  Family laughs and cries together.  Family comes together for events, birthdays, celebrations, holidays.  Family is well, family.

Merriam-Webster Version: Family - a group of people who are related to each other.

I've learned, over the last 13 years, that family does not mean the same thing for everyone.  My version apparently doesn't include being related.  I thought it did.  After the last year, with all the ups and downs, it makes me sad to realize that being related isn't a guaranteed part of being a family.

It made me wonder, what is family?  Then I wrote out what family means to me and yep, I never wrote being related.  Why?

Well the answer is simple.  Some of my family is related and some of those I'm related to aren't family at all.  What a heartbreaking discovery, but a life lesson nonetheless.  And one that really has struck me to the core.

You see, whether I like someone or not, if they're related to me, I've always considered them my family.  No matter the distance, no matter how well I know them, I've considered them my family.  Maybe I shouldn't have ever done that, but it's the way I was raised and it's what I did.  I've learned that these family members don't feel the same way, and that's ok.  Now I know, and I'll guard my heart accordingly.

As we head into the Christmas Season, there will be lots of family gatherings.  My only advice to anyone is this: love you're family, related or not.  And if that same love isn't returned, it's their loss.  No point in crying over someone who doesn't care about you in the first place.  But for those who I consider my family, I love you and can't wait to spend the holidays with you.

*there are many of those who are family who aren't included in this collage,

I couldn't include them all*

A Little {or a lot} of Tough Love

Oh mercy.  I always knew there would be tough moments in parenting.  I've had a few.  Those moments where you have to give a little tough love.  Those moments where you are hurt to the core watching your kiddo when they're sick.

Then one day, you realize that it's gonna be a tough love kinda day week and you have to stick to your guns.  You can't back down.  Even when it's their birthday.

Nobody can tell you how to parent your child, you figure it out as you go.  I've always had guidelines and boundaries for things, ideas of the way I wanted to parent.  I knew years ago that when Caroline hit 10, that would be her last big yearly birthday party.  I've always known that when she hit junior high {7th grade} that I wouldn't let her trick or treat anymore, it's for the little ones.  I've always known that I wouldn't allow her to wear visible make-up daily until junior high or get highlights or get acrylic nails.  And those last 2 may not even be allowed then.

But I have always faltered a bit with tough love.  Partly because she's my only child and I feel guilty taking things away or doling out punishments.  Partly because she has divorced parents and that carries it's own kind of guilt.   It's hard on me.  Which is just too darn bad, time for me to get over it.

So tonight when we were going over her homework and checking her grades and I see that she's being lazy in class, I doled out the ultimate punishment.  I took everything away from her, down to her birthday.  We've been battling for over 6 weeks with getting her to complete schoolwork and it was time to take this to an extreme level.  We've tried taking away her phone and ipad.  We've taken away sleepovers.  Nothing has worked.

And believe me, this isn't a case of she can't do the work.  She gets bored with it and doesn't bother to turn it in or sometimes even finish it.  It's so hard as a parent to watch your kid make bad choices.  My fear is that if I don't show her how bad these decisions are now, then she'll continue this behavior and one day it will have horrible ramifications.

I was very blunt and honest with her.  I talked to her with her dad on speaker phone and told her that as far as my house was concerned she had lost all and I do mean all privileges until her grade improved.  No phone, no ipad, no tv, no candy or gum, no junk food, no friends and sadly this means no birthday.

Her birthday is Monday.  I can't very well dish out punishment and say oh, but you can still have your friend sleepover for your birthday and we'll still buy you presents.  She wouldn't learn anything.  She'd think, "oh well, I still got a sleepover and I still got the charm I wanted for my bracelet and my book...".  I even called her grandparents and said that I was sorry but there wouldn't be any cake and ice cream this year.  They agreed and told me they understood completely.  Now I don't know that her dad will apply these same harsh rules at his house, but I hope he does.  Otherwise she'll think she can get what she wants over there even when she's in trouble over here.

I hated having to make the decision to take her birthday away, but she already celebrated it on a cruise 2 weeks ago, she's just losing her present and a friend spending the night.   It's not like she's losing it altogether. 

After all was said and done I sent her off to take her bath.  I could hear her crying.  My momma heart hates that part.  I went in and asked her what suddenly made her cry.  "Not getting my charm", she tells me.  And my heart broke.  The charm she asked for was a charm for her sweet dog Squirt that was killed while we were on our cruise.  I knew how much the charm meant to her, and it broke my heart.

I immediately wanted to take it all back and tell her I would still give her the charm.  But I knew I couldn't.  So I used it as an opportunity to teach her this tough lesson.  I asked her if she learned that her actions had consequences and she sobbed yes.  I asked her if she understood why I had to do this and she sobbed yes.  It was the first time I've ever seen her be truly upset that she was being punished.

I may be wrong and y'all may think I'm handling this completely wrong, but for her, I think this was the only way.  I sadly found something that she was truly hurt to lose.  My only hope is that she respects me for my decision one day.   Because in the end, this was so hard for me to follow through.  I just wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her it was ok, she just needed to do better.  But I knew that wasn't the answer this time.  She needed tough love.

But my oh my, my momma heart still hearts.

Sweet November

Ahhh November. 

A month of many emotions for me.

There's a slew of birthdays.  My dad.  My mom.  My best friend.  My daughter.

And then, there's my dark day.

November 13th.

The day my mom went to be with Jesus.

A day of healing for her.  A day of heartbreak for me.

And then, I'm supposed to be thankful.

___________________________________________

For me November is a time to be happy.  Sad.  Thankful.

And a time to reflect.

It doesn't matter how much faith I have or the fact that I know God had a plan for my mom, just as there's a plan for us all, it will always hurt to my core that my mom isn't here with me.

It will always make me giddy that God chose me to be Caroline's mom.

And it should make me happy that I had her 1 year & 11 days after my mom went to heaven.  To have such a blessing in the midst of such sadness.  Most days it does.  But some Novembers it's just hard.  It's hard because I want to share my unbelievable joy with the one person who isn't here to share it with me.

I'll always know that she's with us, watching and smiling down on us. 

I just wish she were here.

Smiling and laughing with us.