Excuse Me... Your Gonna Put What... Where?

Never again...N.E.V.E.R.

A few days ago I had an HSG {hysterosalpingogram} performed.  Worst pain I've ever experienced. I mean screaming on the table {using ugly words}, hitting the x-ray machine, yelling at my doctor pain.  It was worse than my c-section.  Yes, I'm aware that I was numb during the c-section, but I mean the whole process, ya know, the recovery.  This was worse.  

I believed the doctors when they told me it would be a little uncomfortable.  They lied.  And so did everyone else I know who's had this procedure.  You see when I walked in, I knew they had lied to me.  When I saw all the "tools" on the table I wanted to leave.   Now this next part is going to explain in normal people terms what those evil people did to me.

At first it was like a normal old pap smear, which isn't pleasant but tolerable.  Then they tell me I'm going to feel a big pinch.  Big pinch my @$$, they tried to remove my cervix with a screwdriver!  Then it just went downhill from there.  When they told me they were going to inject the contrast I was a little freaked out.  I came off the table screaming!!!  It felt like they were setting me on fire from the inside.  I actually begged them to stop.  I think Tab wanted to run from the room!

  Once they did finally stop and removed the lovely tools, I felt better.  Not much better, but it was an improvement.  They told me that everything looked great.  Tubes were clear {fallopian} and my uterus was the right size, shape and in the right place!  Great, let's make us a baby!  

Later that night, I was ready to die.  My whole abdomen was full of sharp, stinging pain.  Nothing helped.  By 10pm I had a fever.  I called a friend who's hubby is a doctor, he performs this same procedure, and he told me to go to the ER.  So after I cried for about 10 minutes, we load Caroline up and drop her off at her dad's and head to the hospital.  I waited, they put me in a room, ran tons of tests and released me the next day.  They said I was fine.  I already had an appointment that same day to have an ultrasound done with the doctor who performed the HSG, so we talked when I got there.  He had the nerve to tell me that sometimes that just happens!

All this happened Tuesday/Wednesday.  I'm still hurting.  And I get to go back again tomorrow, well today actually, and have another procedure done.  What's all this for?  I'm getting to that, I promise.

I really wanted to do this without talking about it, but I know that if I don't document it, I will forget what I was going through at this exact moment in my life.  What I felt, what exactly I went through.

I've briefly talked about it before...infertility. 

What a heavy word.  I'm not sure how I feel about that word.  I know that I didn't have any problems when I conceived Caroline.  But things have changed.  We're not sure if there is any change in me or not.  I know the main reason behind it, but I won't be sharing that here.  I've been under the impression that I was fine.  But after 3 try's at IUI with negative results, I question that.  But, then again, the statistics aren't that great when trying to conceive.  Did you know that?  I sure didn't!  Only 16% each cycle!  Which just tells me that it's all in His hands anyway.  But it doesn't mean I don't hurt for a baby.

I beg God for a baby...daily.  Does he hear me?  I'm sure he does.  Is that in His plan?  I have no clue!  I just have to wait it out. 

We're on our 4th try.  I'm scared, hopeful, excited and terrified all at once.  That was why I had the oh so fun HSG procedure done.  To make sure there isn't anything wrong with me.  And it looks like I'm fine.

When I went in Wednesday for the ultrasound, they saw 2 follicles {eggs}.  I was a little disappointed because they had me on all kinds of fertility drugs this time, and I expected there would be a lot more eggs!  But, of course I know that it only takes one egg!  They gave me my trigger shot, and we go in the morning to try to make a baby make a baby!

Please keep us in your prayers in the morning, and in the weeks to come.  I just pray that this is the time.  That this is His plan for us, for our family.