You Shouldn't Post When....

....you're emotional.  Or having a glass of wine.  Or taking hormones. Or just flat out feeling down on yourself.

I'm really trying not to be sad.  I'm really trying to keep in the forefront of my mind that God does things in His timing.  That He has a specific time for things to be the way He wants them to be.  I know with all my heart that my faith in Him is above all else, but that doesn't mean that I don't have times when I'm human.  I have emotions.  I get sad.  I worry about things.

I have a lot on my mind.  I really do try to be positive.  I tend to keep things to myself {except with Tab, he knows it all!} and sometimes I just need to get things out.  That's what tonight's post is.  It's about getting out my emotions, my struggles, my pain.  I don't really feel the need to have someone's kind words, don't get me wrong, they're always welcome, but what I mean is that I'm writing this post so I won't forget it.  I need to remember that I had a time where I was floundering around in the world like a baby fish in the great big ocean.  Yes, I'm 32, and I'm floundering.

I always thought I knew exactly where my life would go.  I had my high school sweetheart, we were engaged, and I thought we would live happily ever after, I really did.  But that didn't happen.  I went through a time when I thought I knew what life had in store, but boy was I wrong!  You see, I grew up in a Southern Baptist home where my daddy was a Deacon and my mother ran the preschool program and Mother's Day Out.  I just knew that life would go according to the grand plan they had in mind....wrong.  I didn't accomplish anything they had planned for me.  I didn't get my college degree, I lost my mom to cancer when I was just 23, I ended up pregnant before I was married.  My life wasn't what I expected.

But, I have this unbelievable hope that God has great things in store for me.  I know he's blessed me over the last 4 years.

I'm at a point that I can honestly say never crossed my mind.  I have to admit that for most of my life I believed that because I was a Christian, I would be blessed.  I took that for granted.  My first real lesson was losing my mom.  Now I'm facing another lesson.  I don't know yet whether its a lesson in patience or a lesson in moving on and accepting things.  Only He knows what's in store for me.  I just really feel that I have to be open and honest with myself in order to understand the way I feel.  I'm sure that makes no sense to anyone but me :).

I'm stuck because I want words of wisdom, but then I want to just have a peace that He sends to me.  Uggghhhh!  I love it that we are always learning and growing through Him, but at times I can honestly say that I'm just flat out frustrated.  Some days I just want my mom to tell me how it's gonna be.  But I guess that can't happen.  So in desperate times, I turn to God, which is where I should be turning.  But at times, I'm just too impatient to wait for His answer.

So tonight, as I sit, waiting for an answer, I'm inpatient.  I've been looking through my bible for scriptures to help me through.  I look to my "go-to" versus and find some peace, but not enough.  I have to let go of my fears, my worries, my pain, and just solely trust in Him.  Wow, that's no easy feat!

I pray for those who are going through tough times, because I've been there too.  I'm just trying my best to be patiently waiting on what He wants to show me.