Facing the Tough Things

Almost 14 years ago I faced the hardest thing I've ever had to face, my mother dying.  As I sit hear now, I almost can't utter the words I need to say. A truth I have to face yet again.  My daddy is sick.  Very sick.

We don't truly know what's wrong, the doctors say it's Alzheimer's, but we'll never really know.  He medically looks just fine, every test coming back mostly positive.  But he's anything but fine.  He can barely walk, falling often.  He's confused, forgetful and sometimes not present at all.

It's the most heartbreaking thing to watch a man that has been your everything, fall to pieces.  It's almost more than I can bare.

For that last several years, I've had weekly lunches with him which I will always treasure.  Now I spend 2 days a week taking him to lunch and helping out however I can.  It's hardest on my step-mother, Mary Lou.  She bares the brunt of his illness and I try to help both of them with what they need.

The reality of it all set in a few weeks ago when we had to get him a hospital bed for the living room.  It seems like each day I watch him slip away, losing more of himself slowly but surely.  It breaks me.

This man.  This man who has always loved me, stood by me, supported me, has been there for me, scolded me when I needed it most.  He's slipping away.  I don't know how to process that.  How could I possibly put into words everything he means to me?  How much I love him?  I don't think I ever can.

He taught me to ride a bike.  He taught me to fish.  He taught me to drive a stick shift.  He tried to teach me to whistle, I never could get that one down.  He taught me that I should never settle for a boy that didn't love and adore me.  He taught me to love Jesus.  He never missed a single dance recital, tennis match or football game that I performed in.  He taught me to love photography and that you can have too many pictures of flowers.  He taught me to grill.  He taught me to always stand up for myself.  He taught me to waltz.

He taught me what a father's love meant.


I spend my nights worried, panicked that I'll get a call he's not okay.  I hold back tears every time I'm with him.  I fear the day he truly doesn't know who I am.  And then I fear that he'll be gone before that day gets here.  Some days I curl up on the couch after being with him and just cry.  Today was one of those days.

I worry that I wasn't enough for him.  That I didn't make him proud.  That I let him down.  A few weeks ago as he was lying on his bed while I put on his socks and shoes, he told me I was a good daughter.  We sat there in tears, talking about things.  The ups and downs that are inevitable between every parent and child.  In that moment, he reassured me yet again.  I was enough.  I had made him proud, despite a few bumps in the road.  

With all the sadness this new chapter brings, I have so much joy.  My mom wasn't here when I had Caroline, she never got to hold my baby.  But he did.  He was there, ready to love on his new grand daughter and he's loved her ever since.  That has always been so special to me that she had him.  I love the way he smiles when she's silly and I laugh when he gets grumpy because she's loud.

I'm so very thankful that she's had the past 12 years with him, to make memories with her grandparents, something I never had.  She'll always remember the beach vacations, the trip to Canada so they could show us where her grandma grew up, and the cruise we took a few months ago with them.  She'll remember them coming to her soccer games, to her school events.  She'll remember his love, just like I will.

Somedays I just can't take all the pain.

I just can't.  I can't imagine life without him.

50 Shades...of Sadness

I never really thought a set of books or a movie could cause such chaos in our society.  But it clearly has.  Lines have been drawn. People are taking sides.  The biggest arguments are abuse, Christianity, and pleasure.

Lets just stop right there.  I won't even go into all these arguments.  I will however tell you where I stand and what my thoughts are about this movie.

First and foremost I'll be honest.  I read all 3 books.  When I read the first book, I had several friends rave about how amazing it was and how I just had to read it, so I did.  I was so shocked. I read the next two books because I was curious about how any of this nonsense could possibly be someones reality and I had convinced my self I wanted to see Christian Grey change, fall in love and leave the pain behind.

The writing was atrocious.  It was hard for me to understand how this series was a bestseller.  But, I'm a romantic and I got sucked in to wanting them to find true, deep, meaningful love.  I bypassed the crap I was reading and rooted for love.

In the end, they are hopelessly in love. Ha!  Love is not pain.  Or, it shouldn't be.

Love is beautiful and precious and something so magical it takes your breath away.  It isn't pain and torture causing you to be suffocated.  It isn't controlling.  It isn't harmful.  Or, it shouldn't be.

After I read the books, I realized how awful the whole story truly was.

Let me tell you my story.

In 1998 my 6.5 year relationship ended six months before we were married.  I was devastated.  In my sorrow, I met this hunky guy.  I fell hard and fast.  Why?  I was 20, just out of what I thought was my happily ever after and I wanted to be loved.  This hunky guy said all the right things, was smokin' hot, and made me feel loved. 

A few months in, I started getting in trouble for not getting to his house soon enough when I got off work.  I had to cancel plans with my family because he wanted me to spend time with him.  I was expected to be where he wanted me, when he wanted me there.  I was berated if I spent time with my best friend.  I blew all of it off.  I thought he loved me and just acted that way because he wanted to be with me all the time.

Things went on this way for the first year.  I fought with my parents constantly over hunky guy.  They hated everything about this relationship.  They begged me to break it off, and yet I refused.  Of course things just got worse.  When they finally got to the point where things were physically controlling my dad had all of it he could handle and forced me to break it off.  My parents sat me down and opened my eyes to what I refused to see.  I was being controlled and abused.

My mom helped me pack bags, my dad hid my car and we called a friend I knew I could stay with for a while.  I made the call to hunky guy and broke it off.  A few minutes later I was in a car headed to a place he would never find me.  And within 10 minutes hunky guy was circling my house.  Talk about eye opening. 

After a few weeks he quit driving by my parents house and calling me 50 times a day.  But I didn't feel safe for months.  I was completely blind to the fact that I was allowing myself to be controlled and abused.  As pathetic as it was, I truly thought he loved me that much that he couldn't be without me.

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As I closed the third book in the 50 Shades trilogy, I was sad.  Not sad that it was over.  Sad that Anastasia didn't love herself enough to see what was right in front of her eyes.  How horrible it is to be fooled into thinking abuse is love.  To think that you have the ability to change someone so vile.  It was tragic.  Love isn't pain. 

I have no plans to see the movie.  I don't need to see this unfold on the big screen.  Why would anyone want to see someone be abused, tortured and in pain?  I hope people do realize that this isn't some wonderful love story.  That sexual torture doesn't equal love and that nothing justifies this kind of treatment.  Being abused doesn't give you a pass to abuse others.  Anastasia may have been a consenting adult, but even that doesn't make it right or make it love.  It makes me really question our society, people flocking to see abuse justified.  It's just sad.


And if you still fool yourself into thinking this is a love story, imagine your daughter going through this.  Still think it's a love story? 

Tuesday Truths

I didn't have much to say last week, so on Tuesday I posted 'Tuesday Truths'.  I don't have much this week either, which leads me to another, yep, you guessed it...

Tuesday Truths.

-  I'm on my 3rd set of Valentine's nails.  In a week.  That means if you include the 3 times I painted my nails last week I've painted my nails 6 times in 14 days.  I have a problem. Clearly.

-  World Market finally opened here.  I've been stalking its progress since the sign went up.  I drove by on the morning of the grand opening, saw a line, immediately parked my car and secured my spot in line.  I had no clue why this was so important.  Until I got to the front and my hands were filled with gift card goodness!  Score!

-  While in World Market, I perused the wine section.  I picked 2 I had never tried, got home and chilled a bottle for dinner that night.  I forgot to open it for 4 days.  I remembered it last night!  I was so excited to have a glass while sitting down to watch The Bachelor.  Let's just say the wine was a train wreck.  Just like Kelsey & Ashley.

-  Since I don't drive to 'work' anymore I listen to my favorite morning show, Kidd Kraddick, when I drive Caroline to the bus stop.  When I drive the mile back home I sit in the car and listen to it.  Makes perfect sense to sit in the car instead of going in the house where I can turn on the radio.

-  I secretly envy Caroline's stick straight gorgeous blonde hair.  It looks exactly like mine used to.  Before I got pregnant with her and it got darker and grew in curly.  Thanks kid.

-  Morning coffee is a must.  When you run out of creamer, you search for anything suitable to get your morning fix.  I had no creamer, no milk, no dairy.  And then the heavens opened and a bright light emanated from the homemade whipped cream I used for fresh blueberries.  It may be my new thing.  A big 'ol spoonful of whipped cream was better than sugar and creamer.

Tuesday Truths

Y'all.  It's only Tuesday and I'm already exhausted.

I thought it would be a change of pace to throw in something a little different this week, so here you have it.

-I've changed my nail polish 3 times in the last week because I have an addiction to nail polish.  I.can't.stop.

-Have you seen the new Butterfinger peanut butter cups?  I bought the big bag, y'all know the one, with the ziplock seal?  I ate the whole darn bag.  My boo-tay is not happy with my decision.

-I'm up typing this post at 12:34am.  I should be sleeping.

-My hair.  It's been washed twice in the last 9 days.  Don't judge.  No, really, I was on a mission about 2 years ago to train my hair to go longer in between washes.  It's so so much healthier and has grown tons since I started doing this.  Normally I wash it every 3-4 days.  Unless I work out.  Sweaty hair, that's just gross.

-I treat my furbaby Shiner like he's my real baby.  It's a close race who gets cuddle time on the couch with me, Shiner or Caroline.  Sometimes he wins.  Mostly because he can't talk back or roll his eyes.

-I love Katy Perry but was totally blah over her halftime show.  But she does get major cool points for it being totally kid appropriate. #keepinitclassy

-Trivia Crack.  Get it now people.  It's why I can't sleep.

-I tuck Caroline in between 9:00 - 9:15.  Then I usually check on her at least twice before I go to bed.  I love that kid.  I had to leave on a gushy truth.

That's it, that's all I've got for y'all.  Yay Tuesday!

And just because he's so stinking precious...