Pity Party #3

Are y'all sick of me yet?  I sure am!  But it is my blog, and I need to vent and put my feelings on paper ummm, something, so I can look back and learn from what I've gone through.  So, yes, that's right my friends you get another pity party from me today.  Yay!!! {sense that sarcasm?}

I went on Tuesday for my consult in Dallas with a specialist.  Of course I knew that since this was my first appointment I wouldn't get too many answers, but I did get a little clearer picture of what all is wrong with my back.  They did 8 or so x-rays and looked at my old MRI, so they at least had a starting point.  After looking at all that and running me through some physical tests, he gave me some preliminary thoughts.

I have adult onset Scoliosis, which can be very painful.  No kidding!  I thought that it was pretty minor, but apparently it's more than I thought.  I have one shoulder blade way higher than the other, which, I didn't know until yesterday.  I also have loss of strength on my left side, which he thinks is do to the scoliosis.  Looking at my old MRI he thinks that I have 2 herniated discs, and he explained that they're not the typical herniation's either.  Of course not, I can only do things the hard way!  Basically he said to think of my disc as a tire.  Normally when a disc herniates he said that it's like a blowout, mine however are like someone slashed my tires and then I drove around for a while and the tire is shredding off.  Nice!  And then you can add in pinched nerves and arthritis.  I'm a walking {or barely walking} wreck.

So now I have to go back for 2 more MRI's, one for my neck, and one for my pelvic/lower back.  I'm not really sure why they can't do it in one, but they said they can't that I'll just have back to back MRI's.  Luckily they'll be able to get those done in the morning and then I'll have my follow-up appointment that afternoon.  I have no clue what the plan of action will be yet, I'll get those answers when I go back.  For now, I'm on a regimen of meds to help ease the pain, and it's just not working.

I've never really known what it was like to be depressed.  And I always felt bad for those people who suffered with depression.  I can say that now I know how they feel.  It really is like a feeling of hopelessness.  I just don't want to get out of bed in the morning because I know how much pain I'll be in for the rest of the day.  I don't want to do anything.  I have zero motivation to get up and do anything.  I never thought I would be struggling like this.  I absolutely love my life, I love my sweet Caroline, my hubby.  I have the best family and friends.  I have no reason to feel like this other than the pain.

But I can't hide from the fact that this is how I feel.  I just want to hide from the pain.  And I try to put my big girl pants on and get ready, get Caroline up and ready for school, go to work, and just ignore what my body feels...but it's getting harder and harder everyday.  I can't do normal everyday things like taking care of my household, my family...now, I'll admit I don't miss doing the laundry one bit {really, I hate doing the laundry} but I can't even load and unload the dishwasher anymore.  I just don't want to do anything.  I love to go watch Boog practice at cheer, I don't even want to go.  I just want to hide at home, lay on my heating pad, order dinner from somewhere, and do nothing.  It's like I just want Caroline and Tab to sit in this bubble with me and never leave.

I'm not sure that I'm 100% comfortable with putting this out here for all to see, but maybe just maybe, doing this will help me to see that I'm not the only one.  I'm not the only person struggling right now.  I've been doing my best to let my faith lead me, going to my "go to" verses in the Bible for encouragement, and praying that He can relieve this pain soon.  I'm learning that even though I believe, that I trust in the Lord, there are times when you fall from that.  When you just don't have that complete trust in Him.  I still have it, but not like I know I should. For now, I'm just going to do my best to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.  I would appreciate your prayers right now.  I know I need them!