Fall Magic

 She makes my heart smile!!!!!

Excuse Me... Your Gonna Put What... Where?

Never again...N.E.V.E.R.

A few days ago I had an HSG {hysterosalpingogram} performed.  Worst pain I've ever experienced. I mean screaming on the table {using ugly words}, hitting the x-ray machine, yelling at my doctor pain.  It was worse than my c-section.  Yes, I'm aware that I was numb during the c-section, but I mean the whole process, ya know, the recovery.  This was worse.  

I believed the doctors when they told me it would be a little uncomfortable.  They lied.  And so did everyone else I know who's had this procedure.  You see when I walked in, I knew they had lied to me.  When I saw all the "tools" on the table I wanted to leave.   Now this next part is going to explain in normal people terms what those evil people did to me.

At first it was like a normal old pap smear, which isn't pleasant but tolerable.  Then they tell me I'm going to feel a big pinch.  Big pinch my @$$, they tried to remove my cervix with a screwdriver!  Then it just went downhill from there.  When they told me they were going to inject the contrast I was a little freaked out.  I came off the table screaming!!!  It felt like they were setting me on fire from the inside.  I actually begged them to stop.  I think Tab wanted to run from the room!

  Once they did finally stop and removed the lovely tools, I felt better.  Not much better, but it was an improvement.  They told me that everything looked great.  Tubes were clear {fallopian} and my uterus was the right size, shape and in the right place!  Great, let's make us a baby!  

Later that night, I was ready to die.  My whole abdomen was full of sharp, stinging pain.  Nothing helped.  By 10pm I had a fever.  I called a friend who's hubby is a doctor, he performs this same procedure, and he told me to go to the ER.  So after I cried for about 10 minutes, we load Caroline up and drop her off at her dad's and head to the hospital.  I waited, they put me in a room, ran tons of tests and released me the next day.  They said I was fine.  I already had an appointment that same day to have an ultrasound done with the doctor who performed the HSG, so we talked when I got there.  He had the nerve to tell me that sometimes that just happens!

All this happened Tuesday/Wednesday.  I'm still hurting.  And I get to go back again tomorrow, well today actually, and have another procedure done.  What's all this for?  I'm getting to that, I promise.

I really wanted to do this without talking about it, but I know that if I don't document it, I will forget what I was going through at this exact moment in my life.  What I felt, what exactly I went through.

I've briefly talked about it before...infertility. 

What a heavy word.  I'm not sure how I feel about that word.  I know that I didn't have any problems when I conceived Caroline.  But things have changed.  We're not sure if there is any change in me or not.  I know the main reason behind it, but I won't be sharing that here.  I've been under the impression that I was fine.  But after 3 try's at IUI with negative results, I question that.  But, then again, the statistics aren't that great when trying to conceive.  Did you know that?  I sure didn't!  Only 16% each cycle!  Which just tells me that it's all in His hands anyway.  But it doesn't mean I don't hurt for a baby.

I beg God for a baby...daily.  Does he hear me?  I'm sure he does.  Is that in His plan?  I have no clue!  I just have to wait it out. 

We're on our 4th try.  I'm scared, hopeful, excited and terrified all at once.  That was why I had the oh so fun HSG procedure done.  To make sure there isn't anything wrong with me.  And it looks like I'm fine.

When I went in Wednesday for the ultrasound, they saw 2 follicles {eggs}.  I was a little disappointed because they had me on all kinds of fertility drugs this time, and I expected there would be a lot more eggs!  But, of course I know that it only takes one egg!  They gave me my trigger shot, and we go in the morning to try to make a baby make a baby!

Please keep us in your prayers in the morning, and in the weeks to come.  I just pray that this is the time.  That this is His plan for us, for our family.

You Shouldn't Post When....

....you're emotional.  Or having a glass of wine.  Or taking hormones. Or just flat out feeling down on yourself.

I'm really trying not to be sad.  I'm really trying to keep in the forefront of my mind that God does things in His timing.  That He has a specific time for things to be the way He wants them to be.  I know with all my heart that my faith in Him is above all else, but that doesn't mean that I don't have times when I'm human.  I have emotions.  I get sad.  I worry about things.

I have a lot on my mind.  I really do try to be positive.  I tend to keep things to myself {except with Tab, he knows it all!} and sometimes I just need to get things out.  That's what tonight's post is.  It's about getting out my emotions, my struggles, my pain.  I don't really feel the need to have someone's kind words, don't get me wrong, they're always welcome, but what I mean is that I'm writing this post so I won't forget it.  I need to remember that I had a time where I was floundering around in the world like a baby fish in the great big ocean.  Yes, I'm 32, and I'm floundering.

I always thought I knew exactly where my life would go.  I had my high school sweetheart, we were engaged, and I thought we would live happily ever after, I really did.  But that didn't happen.  I went through a time when I thought I knew what life had in store, but boy was I wrong!  You see, I grew up in a Southern Baptist home where my daddy was a Deacon and my mother ran the preschool program and Mother's Day Out.  I just knew that life would go according to the grand plan they had in mind....wrong.  I didn't accomplish anything they had planned for me.  I didn't get my college degree, I lost my mom to cancer when I was just 23, I ended up pregnant before I was married.  My life wasn't what I expected.

But, I have this unbelievable hope that God has great things in store for me.  I know he's blessed me over the last 4 years.

I'm at a point that I can honestly say never crossed my mind.  I have to admit that for most of my life I believed that because I was a Christian, I would be blessed.  I took that for granted.  My first real lesson was losing my mom.  Now I'm facing another lesson.  I don't know yet whether its a lesson in patience or a lesson in moving on and accepting things.  Only He knows what's in store for me.  I just really feel that I have to be open and honest with myself in order to understand the way I feel.  I'm sure that makes no sense to anyone but me :).

I'm stuck because I want words of wisdom, but then I want to just have a peace that He sends to me.  Uggghhhh!  I love it that we are always learning and growing through Him, but at times I can honestly say that I'm just flat out frustrated.  Some days I just want my mom to tell me how it's gonna be.  But I guess that can't happen.  So in desperate times, I turn to God, which is where I should be turning.  But at times, I'm just too impatient to wait for His answer.

So tonight, as I sit, waiting for an answer, I'm inpatient.  I've been looking through my bible for scriptures to help me through.  I look to my "go-to" versus and find some peace, but not enough.  I have to let go of my fears, my worries, my pain, and just solely trust in Him.  Wow, that's no easy feat!

I pray for those who are going through tough times, because I've been there too.  I'm just trying my best to be patiently waiting on what He wants to show me.

Wowzer!

This week has been ex.haus.ting!  Between Caroline's activities, work, PTA, being mommy & wife, pets, I'm worn out!  LOL!  Whew, who knew being an adult was so tough?  I love it though :)

Friday night Caroline's cheer team performed at the fair in town.  She had lots of fun and thought it was really cool that she got to perform!  After she was done, she got to spend the night at the fair with her grandparents and cousin and had a blast.  

She was a little nervous!

 This is her "okay, mom...are you done taking pictures yet?" smile!!!

 Caroline's Team

 They showed off their tumbling skills, this is her doing her back walkover

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I've gotten to the bottom of some of Caroline's clothing woes luckily.  It's all based on her wanting to exert her own personality, taste, fit in with others...which I'm not so sure I like that last part, but I do understand it.  Her little friends are all beginning to pick out their own clothes, and apparently the other moms are smarter than me and just let them dress however they want, as long as it's dress code appropriate.  We talked about it this weekend, and basically she feels like a baby in the stuff I pick out  :(

Of course this makes me sad {and yes, I cried...multiple times!} but I realize that she is growing up and that the big bows and cutesy clothes are not the things she's liking anymore.  We went shopping for some things that we could both agree on and I realized that having a girl is tough!  I went to Old navy first for some jeans, which luckily is a pretty easy thing to agree on!  But you should have seen her going through the racks, looking at stuff, it was a very weird moment for me.  I usually just buy what I want, I've never really let her have an opinion.  We couldn't agree on anything other than the jeans, so she didn't get much there.  Then of course, she wanted to go to Justice.  Do any of you take your little girls to shop there?  I'll be honest, I just don't like the place.  To me, it's just pushing these little girls to grow up too fast.  But I decided I would take her in there and see what it was that she was wanting to wear.  Nope, my money isn't getting spent on the stuff in that store!  The things that I liked and thought were age appropriate for her, she cried about, so we won't be going back.

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I think I've mentioned before that we have 5 dogs, and yes, I know we're crazy!  We have the land for them, and we love them!  One of our sweet girls, Betsy, was out yesterday running around and came home hurt.  We're pretty sure she was bitten by a snake...probably a rattlesnake or copperhead.  We have nothing but open land surrounding our house, so there's no telling what bite her.

We watched her all day and night, and she's doing great!  Unfortunately, living in the country this happens quite often.  We've had 3 dogs get snake bites, and all of them were fine!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Sassy Pants vs. Mommy

My mornings have turned into a battle of wills...Sassy Pants vs. Mommy.

I dread getting Caroline up and ready...I never know what is going to happen!  Lately she hates all her clothes.  When did 7 year olds start being sooo opinionated about their clothes?  She has a few things {literally} that she wants to wear.  And to top it off, the things she wants to wear are things that I consider to be play clothes and look a little worn out.  And don't get me started on shoes!!! Grrrrrrr!!!!

Please tell me I'm not the only one?  Please tell me your daughters {or sons} do this too.....

We've tried picking her clothes out before bed.  That works, but only sometimes.  We've taken away privileges, she could care less.  I just don't know what else to do!  Now, I know what my step-mom would tell me.  She'd say that there was no option, that Caroline would just have to get over it and wear what was laid out, no arguments.  And I agree, I'm just not very good at putting that into action.  

Seriously, one morning I may let her pick things out herself and take a picture to show you.  It's just awful!  She doesn't want to fix her hair, let alone even bother to brush it.  She used to let me get her all cutesied up {yes, I made that up}, fix her hair with big bows or headbands...but now, she looks like a little homeless girl.  I'm utterly embarrassed when I drop her off at school.  Luckily the teachers all know me and they know that she is strong willed and dressing herself these days.

Every morning ends up with tears and hurt feelings.  Her crying all the way to school while I give her the consequences of her morning behavior.  I feel rotten by the time I get to work.  It stinks!  I'm not sure if it's her wanting to dress like a friend, or if she's just decided to be a pain!  I need help!  I hope your mornings are smoother than ours!