Check Yes or No

I've entered preteen hell. Yep the so-called tween years.  And do you know what comes with being a mom to a tween girl?  Boys.

That's right friends, I said boys.  This was totally not in my plan.  Like ever.  Of course we joke about our kids not dating till their 30.  That's just what parents do.  We tease our kids about their little kinder 'boyfriends/girlfriends' and think its cute and silly.  We say things like, 'oh little sally has a little boyfriend' and then the dads roll their eyes and the moms giggle.  The kids share some dirt at recess and all is okay.

Skip forward a few years.  Our littles are now at the end of their elementary careers and start noticing the opposite gender.  The girls giggle, the boys act all grossed out and the moms, we kind of ignore the whole thing.  Sometimes we just think about it as their little friend and when they ask if they can get a valentine candy for them we oblige.

Now the little notes start coming home, and I have some of the cutest little notes my girl has received.  Some just saying they like her, some saying she's pretty, and then there's the note with cute little boxes. Check yes or no.  Heaven.help.us.all.

When that little gem came home the last week of 4th grade I had a choice.  I could totally deflect this whole thing or I could face it head on.  I chose the latter.  Why Lord, why?

Let me explain.  Caroline has always had a little boyfriend.  They've been best friends since kinder.  The mom and I are good friends and both knew that they called each other BF/GF.  Ehhh, big deal.  Then above note comes home from another little boy, who has also been one of her best little friends since kinder.  She adores this kid because they have so much in common.  He's her buddy.  As she shows me the note, she tells me that she wants to be his GF and that she has to break up with the other little boy.  Do what?  Wait.  I surely didn't just hear this.

My little 10 year old is talking about breaking up with boys.  Excuse me while I pick my jaw up.

I thought about my own childhood for a few minutes and decided that it was time to face this stuff head on whether I was ready or not.  I had a boyfriend the summer after 4th grade and so did my friends.  Obviously it was a different time 26 years ago, so it wasn't such a shocking thing back then.  So how do I handle this now, in an age of technology where they have access to things we never knew about at that age?  How do I shield her from knowing more than she should?  Especially about the whole big world of boys and girls, puberty and the inevitable, dating?

I was honest.  I told her about what God intended, about what is and isn't age appropriate.  I talked to her about feelings, about being honest with people.  I taught her about compassion for those who like someone and it's not a mutual feeling. After all was said and done, she said she understood and that if she was being honest, she really shouldn't be someone's girlfriend if she liked someone else.  Hearing that from your 10 year old evokes 2 emotions: fear and pride.  I'm not ready for her to like boys, yet I'm proud that she understands the need for honesty, to herself and to others.

Lucky for me, I'm good friends with both of these boys mommas.  We can talk about this whole new realm together and navigate a path for these kids that's informed, safe and innocent.  We have the opportunity to teach them what this should be like at their age.   And luckily because they've raised good kids I don't have to go all crazy momma on their boys, they both have always been so sweet to my kid.  Makes a mommas heart happy.

When we live in a time where 5th graders are going to homecoming with dates and mums they've made for each other {this is Texas, mums are a way of life} we have a responsibility to our kids to teach them what's age appropriate.  Now, we didn't do the whole homecoming thing in 5th or 6th grade, but as I watched my FB news feed fill with pictures of her little friends at homecoming I realized that, as parents I really hoped we were all teaching our kids the right things about relationships.

After this week, I realized we aren't.  There are 3 types of parents in this thing.  There's the ones who don't really say a lot to their kids, there's those like me who really try to explain, and there are those who are totally against any form of "dating". As parents, its our choice to parent our littles however we chose.  This is a wonderful thing.  It's also a bit challenging.  Hopefully we can all work together so that we teach these young 'ens how to be happy, productive, compassionate adults one day.

This week my girl broke up with her little BF and was asked back out by her 1st little BF.  Did I really just say that? Yes, yes I did. And it was weird.  We had a long, long talk about the whole thing.  Every thing from why, to the correct way to do this without deeply hurting someone's feelings.  Yes, I said deeply about the love triangle of 11 year olds.  Calm down people, these kids aren't in love, but they've been friends forever and no matter the form of rejection, it hurts.  In the end, she tried her best to write a note explaining the break up.  It wasn't the most eloquent note, but she tried very hard to be sweet and she was honest. 

Of course, I've talked to all mommas of said triangle.  I adore both of these littles and couldn't be happier that I have open communication with their mommas.  Thankfully, all mommas involved are on the same page.  We all know this is something to teach them about.  We don't let them blindly think they have real BF/GF's.  One day, many, many years from now maybe Caroline will date one of these little men.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try and teach Caroline how to be a little lady, how to treat people with respect, and pray that it works.

10 Things My Mother Taught Me

1. You Catch More Fly's with Honey than with Vinegar

Seriously.  Truth.  Not that many of us want to catch fly's, unless it's summer in Texas, and they're flying around your outdoor BBQ.  Really though, if we put a sour attitude out no one will want to be around us.  Try smiling at a stranger in the grocery store, you'll be surprised how much just a little gesture like that can do for your mood and those you interact with.

2. Never leave the House without Mascara and Lip gloss

My mom always made me go back in the house and put in mascara if I didn't already have it on.  Now this may seem mean or like my mom put too much emphasis on physical beauty, but that's simply not true.  My mom always thought I was beautiful with no make-up.  Her lesson was more along the lines of freshen up your face so you look bright and happy.  And it's true.  Try it.  I'm not an everyday make-up girl.  But let me tell you, the difference in my face with just a swipe of mascara and a little gloss is amazing.  It certainly doesn't make me beautiful, it does make me feel like I'm put together.  

No, my kid does not actually leave the house like this.

This was a mommy daughter date, totally different.

3.  Family Matters

Always.  Family's are tricky, I know.  We all have some sort of crazy in our families, no family is perfect.  But your family is your building block whether you have a great family life or a horrible family life. Your family matters.  Treat them with love and understanding.  Be there.  One day, they'll all be gone.  Take care with what you say and how you treat them.  And they should do the same although, that's not always the case.  Remember words and actions hurt, and sometimes you can't come back from those hurtful things.  God blessed us with this group of crazies for better or worse, make the most of your family.  They matter.
 

4.  Always Take Care of Your Nails

Next time you're at the grocery store check out, look at your cashier's hands.  Impressed? Grossed out?  My momma always told me that based on someone's fingers and toes, you can tell alot about their hygiene. So far, that's true.  That doesn't mean that you have to have long perfectly polished nails.  What it means is, if you can see a line of funk under someone's nails, what else are they not cleaning? Eeek!  And this goes for toes too...this was taken in line at the grocery store.  Would you want to go to his house for a lunch date?

5.  Know How to Cook

My mom was a fantastic cook.  I can't remember anything not being yummy.  It was important to her that she have a hot meal for us everyday, and not always prepared by her.  We took turns.  We each had a night that we were responsible for dinner.  From a very young age she had my sister and I cooking dinner.  Mom was old school, everything from scratch, so that's how I learned.  No boxes or jars, which can be super time consuming.  What I realized, is that she gave me a little edge on creativity.  I can always through something together without stressing that I don't have what the box says.  Which, don't get me wrong, however you choose to cook is up to you.  Just cook.  Its better than wasting a ton of money eating out all the time.  Even if you don't cook a lot, at least know how to cook a meal every once in a while.

6.  Always write a Thank You Note

 Like Always.  Telling someone thank you is essential.  No, not in a life or death type of way, but in a that really meant a lot to me, thank you, kind of way.  It's important, it lets us know we did something that mattered in your eyes.  I'm not saying for every time your hubby, friends or mom send you flowers a note is required, you'll know when you should take the time to write one.  Like Nike says, Just Do It.

7. Volunteer

Whether its for the PTA, church, or a local charity give a little of your time when it's needed.  Everyone is busy.  Everyone has a million things on their to do list and never enough time.  Find time to give back.  Just like we're all busy, we all need some help every now and then.  Get your children involved, teach them that helping others no matter how small that help is, it's helping when someone is in need.

8.  A Woman Should Always have a Signature Scent

I've talked about this before.  It seems silly to some, a little dated, but trust me on this one.  Think about your grandmother, a teacher, a friends mom.  What reminds you of that person?  Every time I smell L'Air du Temps I think of my sweet momma.  When I smell Chanel No.5 I think of one of her dear friends Miss Sandra.  When I smell eucalyptus I think of my mom's other dear friend Janet.  All 3 smells bring me the best memories of 3 amazing women who I love dearly.  

9.  Wear Clothes that Fit Your Body

I can't stress this enough.  Seriously.  I went through the normal teen girl phase where I thought I was as bis as a whale and I dressed like it.  When I finally put on clothes that were the correct size...wowzers, huge difference in the way I looked and the way I felt about my body.  Having the right fit makes such an impact on self image.  

10.  Love Unconditionally

Even when it's hard.

A Letter to Caroline

Sweet girl.  Goodness, we've had a rough time lately.  You're growing up and finding out that life isn't always barbies and snow cones. 

God gave me the biggest blessing and job I'll ever have the day I became your mommy.  He has entrusted me to raise you, teach you and love you unconditionally.  Yes, that means even when we don't agree on things.  I take my job as your momma very seriously.  I want to raise you to love Jesus.  I want to raise you to be compassionate.  I want to raise you to be respectful.  I want all these and so much more for you.

I need you to know that I am not your friend.  I'm your momma.  I do things based on what I think is best for you.  Not what you think is best.  Get used to this my darling girl, it won't change anytime soon.  This doesn't mean that I can't be your friend, you can always come to me with anything, I promise.  But I'm not going to shirk my momma duties to be cool, so you'll like me.  I hope you'll like me because I am an amazing momma.  Even though there will be times you can't stand me.

Lately we butt heads every.single.day.  And it's hard on both of us.  I promise I understand what you're going through.  I remember 6th grade.  I remember the mean girls, the new friends, chores, pimples, the other girly stuff, homework and yes, boys.  I also know that your little life has been pretty easy up until this point.  And sweetheart, your growing up, you'll gain more responsibility and the more you whine about it, the more you'll get.

I was raised in a time where things were very different.  We weren't all winners, we got spankings.  Not like your generation at all where every one gets a trophy, and the most common punishment is asking what choice you could have made differently.  You will have consequences for your actions.  If you miss blocking a goal in your soccer game, well, then your team might lose.  I may ask you if you made a good choice, but I promise it will be followed by a punishment other than a stern talking to.  This isn't because I'm mean.  It's because I love you.  And in the real world, you're not all winners, and getting in trouble can be a lot worse than a spanking.

You see, what I teach you matters.  If I teach you that pouting till you get your way and you get to keep your precious iphone then, when you grow up and get a job, the first time you pout, your boss will not think it's cute and let your tardy slide.  If I teach you that a task is important, then you'll grow up and have respect for the job that you have and want to do great at that job.  Or at least that's my hope.

I want to teach you about Jesus, so that you know His love for you.  I want you to know that His light will make your light shine stronger and brighter.  That no matter what, He will always be with you, even when things are tough.  And I want you to know that His light shines through you and reaches others. 

I want to teach you to be a lady.  To respect yourself.  I want you to know your important and precious.  That you deserve to be loved and treated like a lady.  That boys are mean sometimes {and girls too} and I want you to know how to deal with those things.

I want you to be respectful.  No more eye rolling.  It makes me crazy.  I want you to value what I say, not count the seconds until I quit talking.   Seeing as your only 11, this might be hard, but no matter what we have to get through all this together.

Now, this whole letter may seem silly to you, but if we have more mornings where I'm screaming, your crying, phones are being thrown out of car windows, and I stop the car and get out walking...neither one of us will ever make it to the goal.  You'll cause me to be drinking in the corner while you Instagram my empty wine bottle. 

So lets work a little harder to be kinder and more patient with each other, ok?

Love,

Your Worn Out Momma