Perception

I had a conversation with someone yesterday that left me totally emptied, drained.  After we left the restaurant, I just really didn't understand the point of the whole thing.  I completely understood the why to it, thought it was a little odd, but I respected it.

Have you ever felt that way?  That you were just talking to the air around you?

I know a lot about myself.  I know my good points, my strengths...but I also know my weaknesses, my flaws.  Maybe that gives me better footing, maybe not.  And after far too many years of making mistakes, I've learned a lot about myself.  Why I do things, how people perceive me, my knee jerk reactions to things...but what's more is that I've learned to embrace that and then change it.  It makes you stronger to realize these things about yourself.  I don't like seeing the ugly truth about me, but you can't grow as a person until you do.  Or at least that's what I think.

And apparently, being honest is not what some people want.  The truth can be a nasty little thing, or it could be one of the best things you ever hear.  Trust me, I know...from experience.

I hurt one of the most important people in my life several years ago and it was out spite, simply because I just didn't have the guts to be honest about how felt.  I can't change that relationship.  I lost a great friendship over my own ego.  Why my ego?  Because I knew if I was honest about how I felt, then in return she would tell me how she felt, and I wouldn't like it.  So instead I said nasty, hurtful things that I knew would make me feel better, and I was a coward to top it all off, I didn't even say them to her.  Lesson learned.  But this event isn't the reason for my post.  

back to the point...

The conversation started out with some stuff that's not for me to tell {good stuff for her, not so sure about my family}, but then led to a statement I really liked:  "I want to start this with a clean slate".  Given the situation, I really was glad to hear that!  But then I got lost, very lost.

It went on, and I realized there was much confusion on both our parts.  I never really considered us friends, when she did.  I couldn't really recall any "good" times, she couldn't recall any "bad".  And that's where she lost me.  If there weren't "bad times" why would you ask someone for a clean slate?  Maybe it's the blonde in me, but I don't get it?

I went on to explain where I was coming from, and a lot of it has to do with perception.  I perceived her in a totally different way than she perceived herself.  So that's where our disconnect was coming from.  I tried to tell her that maybe it was all in my perception and I just read her wrong.  I also tried to tell her that I really understood that since I'm almost always told the same things about myself.  

None of my words mattered though.

I don't quite know what to do about the situation.  I don't dislike her, but I don't really know that I like her either.  We don't know each other.  In a four year period we might have spent a total of 50 hours in the same room together.  Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things.  I know she's a good person, she loves her family, she loves her friends, I just don't know her.  I just felt like I was giving her what she wanted...a clean slate.  But once we started talking I'm not sure she was ready for the conversation.  I can be pretty blunt and while I was doing my best to "clear the air between us" I kept that in the front of my mind.  I didn't want to come across harsh.  I didn't want to come across like a bitch {I know, I know...I said a bad word}.  I chose my words very methodically, so nothing could be read into them, yet it was.  I usually walk away from a conversation like this knowing that I said a million wrong things, or that I was really tacky.  But I felt like I was nakedly honest and sincere.

I get the impression she thinks the first is true.

I think what worries me most is that I do know how I react to things, and I know that I feel like I've tried, so my next move is typically to blow it off and leave the ball in her court.  And then once she goes to pick the ball up, I'll throw it in her face.  Yes, I know that sounds completely horrible, but that's the point.  I know how things makes me feel and how I react to them.  I know that going into most situations.  I'm not sure she knew what she really wanted out of the conversation she asked for.  I think she thought I created animosity between us for no good reason, or out of jealousy.  I don't think she was prepared to hear how I really felt.  Which was basically that she created animosity between us out of jealousy.  I told her that I thought lines had been crossed by her, and truth be told, she had nothing bad to say about me at all.  But was that because she really felt that way, or because she didn't want to be the bad guy?  Now in all honesty, she has every right to tell me the bad things, I wouldn't blame her, I haven't been that nice since we met.  I just don't think she wants to accept that I wasn't nice because I was reacting to the way she came across all these years.

Now I'm not posting any of this to say I was right and she was wrong, I'm mostly just working this out in my head, and to get some thoughts on how I could have handled this differently.  I'm told the possibility is there for her to be a big part of our lives and I want to like and respect her, I really do.  I'm just not sure where to go from here.