Eleven

Every year I think it will change.  Every year it doesn't.

Some people can't begin to understand the depth of the anguish that comes for me every November 13th.  That's okay.  Maybe some of you have never felt the loss of your mom, for that be grateful.

I've come to learn that people's relationships are very different, which I guess I always knew, but I never really looked too deeply.  People are sad, crushed, lost when their mom dies, but I'm completely and irrevocably changed by the loss of my mom.

I was 23 when we lost her.  So young.  So many things I hadn't done or experienced yet.  I wasn't sure what to do without her.  The same day she died, I went to the grocery store to get a few things and found myself in the middle of the store trying to call her because I didn't know what isle had what I was looking for.  I realized at that moment I didn't know how to do anything without her.  She was just always there.

To be completely honest, the next 6 months were a blur.  I spent all my time with friends, acquired a taste for wine and eventually found myself expecting a baby.  I truly didn't think I could ever walk that road without my mom.   And then the first shoe drops.  My due date is November 13th.  My precious new gift is due the day I lost my mom exactly 1 year later.  No words.

Now the interesting part of this is that I was born on the 3rd anniversary of the day my mom's mother died.  Talk about coming full circle.  I found comfort in this knowledge and terrified at the same time. 

After my 2nd appointment, they changed my due date to December 2.  So I went through my pregnancy trucking right along until the other shoe dropped on October 23rd.  I went into pre-term labor and I was barely 34 weeks.  They hoped they could hold me off for a few weeks.  Yet, I had this feeling that this was how she'd get here on November 13th.  They kept her cooking until November 24th :)

The moment they put her in my arms I had 2 thoughts.  Both were life changing.  The first may sound silly to some.  I looked at her and she had my nose.  Silly, I know...but I'm adopted and looked nothing like my family, haha!  I never cared about anything regarding being adopted except always wanting to look like somebody.  So, the moment I looked at her and she was my exact replica, my heart was filled.  My second thought was the profound one.  I can do this.  Without her. 

Even though I never wanted to raise a family without my mom, I knew at that moment I could, because she had taught me everything I needed to know.

So every year I look at my precious daughter and ache for my mom.  It's a day filled with tears, from start to finish.  I try to be normal, but it doesn't work.

I just miss her.  End of story.  She was amazing, a pain in the butt, overbearing, always there, supportive, she was a mom.  And I love her to the ends of the earth. 


***Please know that I know she's in heaven. She's healed.  And I will see her again.  She also gave me that gift.  Teaching me to love the Lord :)