I'm tired. Tired of dealing with passive aggressive people and their nonsense Facebook posts. Tired of dealing with people who think I snub them. Tired of people who think that my time is better spent doing what they think I should be doing.
I am doing exactly what I need and should be doing. I'm a wife, mother, full time worker {away from home}, small business owner {after my full time job}, car pool driver, volunteer, daughter, sister and friend. And yes, those are listed in order of priority at the moment. I have no free time. None.
I have nothing left to give. I can barely attend to the first 5 things on my list right now, and I'm done being berated for not being able to do it all. I don't call anyone, unless it has to do with my husband, my kid or my jobs. I.just.can't.
For the last 4 years, I didn't work outside the home. I had plenty of time to chat on the phone, run errands, have lunch with family or friends, volunteer more...and why? Because I wasn't tied down to a 40 hour a week job and I had that 40 hours a week to maintain my household. Times have changed.
Let me give you a glimpse into my day.
5am wake up. Get things ready for the morning. Shower.
6am wake up Caroline. Dry hair. Get dressed.
6:30am make sure the animals are fed. Which means wrangling Caroline to get outside and deal with Grover the Goat. Leave for work.
7am-4pm JOB/make sure Caroline's ride has picked her up
4:30pm Get home and start dinner/laundry/homework/taxi service
5:30pm Eat/laundry/mop/vacuum/general house things/taxi service
6:30pm Make sure someone is at home to take care of Grover's nightly exercise/feeding
7:30pm If tab is actually home this early, take an hour to focus on my husband
8:30pm Finish up helping/checking Caroline's homework/return client calls/emails/texts/FB messages
9:30pm Tuck Caroline into bed. Start editing/designing/painting orders
11pm Hopefully, maybe, cross my fingers I'm climbing into bed
There are days I work from 6-3 or 8-5 {which are the mornings I drive carpool}, 9-6 or 12-9pm.
Throw in the days I have meetings, photo shoots, school activities, etc. Most days I'm not home before 6pm, so that above schedule is shifted around to accommodate my day.
I have nothing left to give.
Most nights, I don't spend any time with my husband because he isn't home until late. I use that time to take care of things around our house/yard, grocery shop, run errands, promote my business, plan out our days, pay bills etc. My "weekends" are mine. For the 1st time in over a month we had a free weekend. We went to dinner with family and the next night we took Caroline to play mini golf. I almost always work Sundays from lunch till 7pm. My "weekends" can be whatever day I'm scheduled off. And guess what, they are my time. I have to have a day or 2 to take care of all the things that can't be done during my work days. That includes Dr. appointments for me or Caroline, dentist, orthodontist, oil changes, car washes, grocery shopping, errands I need to run for my husband, banking, photo shoots, and if I can fit in time for my family and friends woo hoo! But that last part, the part that many people judge me for, it doesn't happen often. People don't get called, people don't see me.
I'm sorry for that. I wish there were more hours in the day. I haven't talked to my lifelong best friend on the phone in a month. I haven't had lunch with my dad in months. I haven't hung out with my best friend that lives 5 miles from me in over a month.
And guess what? That's ok.
I can't and won't bend my life or that of my husband and kid to make everyone else happy. If I have free time to chat, I call. If I/we have time to go to dinner/lunch/hang out we are thrilled to do that. I'm a planner, if I have notice of plans, I write it in my calendar and have made time for that. I can't do spur of the moment things right now or even 2-3 days out. And sometimes, I have to cancel things because there's just too many prior commitments.
There are so many people and things that are important to me and I want to do it all and spend time with everyone, but right now, this is my reality. I have to say no to things, I can't afford it or I don't have time.
My minutes are precious right now in this season of life, and I am not perfect. But please, please stop being rude, passive aggressive, hateful, or gossipy about my life. And if replacing me so you can have someone to fill the void I've left is what you really want to do, that's fine too. I don't have time to play games with people, I don't have the strength to fight for my place in anyone's life anymore. The people who respect that my life is busy are the ones who love me the most. They're the ones who realize we haven't talked in 2-3 weeks and they call me and say, " been busy huh? That's ok, I still love you". They don't make ugly comments, they have an understanding heart. They too, are busy with their kids and their spouses. They get it. Most of them have husbands that are home by 5 or 6 in the evening that can help with the million chores/activities that happen each week. I don't.
And I just can't handle the hurt anymore. I don't have the energy, and most of all I don't have the time.
