My Heart is Hurting

I can't believe it's almost March.  I'm not quite sure what happened to February, here one day and almost gone the next.

Life lately hasn't been what I had planned for it to be at the end of 2013.  But, then again, when is it ever what we planned?

Our house has grown by leaps and bounds. Well, okay, the house hasn't grown, just the number of occupants.  A few days before Christmas my sister told me she needed to bring her and her girls to live with us.  Like most of us, when your family needs you, your there in anyway you can be.  So on December 26th, at 11:30pm my sister, two nieces and their 3 pets pull into the drive after a grueling 3 days and 2600 mile drive.

Life hasn't been the same since.

We literally doubled our household size, which I thought I was ready for, but turns out I wasn't.  Not emotionally, not financially, not at all.  There's been bumps and bruises along the way and plenty of tears and laughter too.  It takes a lot going from 1 kid to 3.  I've gained a new appreciation for all those with 3+ kiddos. There's a huge learning curve when your not the parent, but, it's your house and your rules.  And 2 different parenting styles, 2 completely opposite ways of living.

I suppose you could say I was a little naive when I thought they'd move in and it'd be life as usual.  It's been anything but usual.  I knew how very different my sister and I were, I just didn't consider what that actually meant when raising our respective kids and running our households.  Our lives are so very different.  And it's breaking me.  It's breaking them.  It's breaking all of us.

I try to work through things daily so that we can all stay sane, and I seem to fail miserably.  I'm realizing how very picky I am about things in my house.  How things are handled, how things are cleaned, how things should happen.  I didn't think I would have such a strong sense of controlling the situation, and God is showing me I can't.  I've learned to appreciate my husband and daughter so much more than I did before, which I didn't think was possible.

My sweet daughter is becoming mean.  Yep, I said it.  She's so distraught that she has lost her sweet tender demeanor and has become snippy and short tempered.  I pray with her, read verses from the bible to try and guide her through this trial.  Some days she does really well and gets along great with everyone, and other days she has so much resentment.  I feel a huge amount of guilt over her distress.  I never stopped once to think how going from being the only child to having essentially 2 siblings would affect her.  She's been completely uprooted, losing her bedroom and bathroom.  Her daily routine is all out of kilter.  I'm aware of how selfish that sounds, but can you imagine being the only child for 11 years and then giving up all your space, all your comforts, all things familiar to you?  My nieces are 17 and 10, set in their ways and very very different from Caroline.  And they are struggling too, making it a tough place to live right now.  I thought the youngest niece and Caroline would be thrilled to have each other, but when there is such a drastic difference in the way each of them have been raised, it doesn't mesh well.

I really struggle with finding my Christian heart some days.  I try to remember the difficulties and upset they moved from, holding onto the hope that they will see all the love that's shared between Tab, Caroline and me.  I want so much for them, I just can't seem to help them find the way.  I know they have to want it for themselves, its not something I can do for them, but I wish I could.

I haven't felt like I could come here and talk about this before now, but I need to get it all out, or as much of it as possible.  I need that release of letting go of all of the hurt, the shock, the disbelief of how this is turning out.

I may not talk about it again, I don't know.  What I do know right now is that I would love your prayers.  Prayers of stability for my sister in a job, so that she can provide a home to her girls and they will feel like they have a place again.  Prayers for my sweet husband who has been literally working so much to provide for all of us that I only see him about 30 hours a week.  He worked 12 days in a row, totaling over 230 hours working.  I miss him.  Pray for Caroline, that she can find patience and understanding in her heart.  Pray for my nerves, they are shot.

But most importantly, please pray for my sister and nieces.  Pray that they see we are trying to be supportive and loving to them.  Pray that they can find happiness in a new life.

At the heart of it all, we just want to help them, they just have to want to help themselves too.  I just simply hope that this doesn't tear us all apart.  That we can move forward and love each other through it all.